I finally found a site like this one. Kinda feeling awkward now, knowing that I can finally open up somewhere. So... I'm a 14 almost 15 year old only child, I live in the UK, and in an area which I think is quite homophobic. Obviously I'm not out, but I sometimes leave small hints, which seem more like messing around than anything. I'm not popular or anything, I just have a very small group of friends (well... "mates", I wouldn't consider 75% of them friends) who I see at school only. My female best friend whom I've known since year 2 (or since, 6-7 years old) is apparently bisexual. I know that she liked a few girls before, and she openly admitted that to me. Now she is sort of openly expressing that she is bisexual, and I never know what to say which is bad of me, seeing as I should be supportive. But she's the type of person you never know what to say to, as she's kinda sensitive when she is down/depressed. I'm an extreme... erm... introvert? I stay at home after school playing video games on my PC or maybe watching TV enjoying my own company. I don't really like sport, as they're too aggressive for me and everyone gets too obsessed over it, IMO. My mother is kind of homophobic... I'm not quite sure though. She openly states she cannot stand watching two men kissing. Whether it's the sight or the fact of what they're doing or who they are... I dunno. My dad I dunno, since I don't live with him. He is the more supportive one I think, and I'm not sure if he'd be hostile if I ever came out to him, but I don't really know his opinions on many things, as I only see him once a week, and he'd take me to the cinema and then to McDonalds for something to eat, and then take me home, which is the base of our time together. So... I wondered if there was anyone in a similar position to me... Although I like being "different" it's kinda hard not being able to relate to anyone about anything. That's it for me... I don't intend coming out just yet, though. I would do it now, but seeing how homophobic this place is I think I'll wait till college, as I've heard "nothing matters once you're there". So whatever.
I know exactly how you feel. (wow, is it just me, or is that a bit of a strong conversation starter?) I think I might be a lesbian (I'm almost sure...) and my mom is not the kind of person to have anything to do with that. I'd like to stay how I am though for now, no life changing confessions for now, but it would be nice someday to let my family know. I have no clue how my dad would feel, he moved out a while ago, I see him mabye once every two weeks if he's not busy. I haven't told anyone besides my best friend, and she seemed okay with it, and I don't really trust anyone else with that. Sports arent for me, esecially locker room sports, when all the girls have to change around me (talk about awkward) and the computer and viedo games are pretty mch my life. But I'm happy with the way things are now, because I don't really have to worry about anything until later. I don't really need to tell anyone else now, it would just complicate things in my "middle school DRAMA" life, and I guess I'll leave well enough alone for now. ~Jesse
Hey OneBeKnown, I'm 17 and am living in the U.S. (Minnesota, to be more specific). I've been out for two years at school, and it's been pretty okay. My community isn't outwardly homophobic, but it's still relatively more conservative than other suburban cities in my area. Kind of like people don't necessarily hate you, but they don't really want you here either. Anyway, though our situations are fairly different, I can relate to a few things you mentioned about your personality. For one, I myself am a severe introvert. Going out and doing things with groups of friends aren't as satisfying to me as staying home and being by myself would be. I spend a lot of time online, playing games, or just reading. And I've got very few people I can relate to, and whose company I truly enjoy, but quality over quantity, right? I also never liked sports... in fact, I'm not a huge fan of overly competitive activities. So, in those ways, we're alike. And really, it's not so bad being an introvert. I'm also very glad to hear that you enjoy your "differentness". I know it may be rough a lot of times (like you said, finding someone who can relate), but teenagers tend to be more understanding and appreciative of people as we grow older. I STILL can't relate to most people my age, but being gay offers a unique perspective on life, and I honestly would not have me be any other way. Self-confidence is one of the most important qualities to possess, especially for those of us who have to be continually told that we're somehow less than human for not being able to adhere to society's norms. It's great that you're already fine with yourself. I think it might help you to try and become closer to your dad--the next time you go out to eat, start some conversation. Ask him about random, trivial things, and then you can build up to more serious issues, like, for instance, how he feels about gay rights. Anyway, if you ever need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to PM me or whatever. I really do think you're an interesting guy (partly because you remind me of me, haha). - Trac
Thanks finding out, video games are pretty much my life too. I don't like it to be, but I don't think it affects me in a negative way. I still manage to get my schoolwork done, but I'm unsure if it affects my grades. I don't choose to play than work... so I dunno. However I'd prefer to have a larger circle of friends and hang with them than playing games. Not popular enough to be big-headed, so to speak, but to have more people to turn to and talk to and relate to... if you get what I mean. Heh... the locker rooms. All we really do is football (Or soccer. I'm British, remember? ) so we have to change every lesson. I try to avoid doing it, as I have not chosen it as a subject for my GCSEs so I take opportunity to not do it. At the same time it gives me a chance to look at everyone else... am I a pervert? :/ I can get away with it too, I think. I had a dream the other night about a lot of guys my age messing around, shirtless, and then 2 of them started fighting, shirtless, and I couldn't help but stare at them. And people noticed, so I got worried. Recently I can't tell if things were real or dreams anymore. >_< "Middle School Drama" I'd assume you're 13/14... which is the time I begun to finally realise I was gay, and that any hope of trying to have sexual feelings for a woman is non-existant. Thanks TriPlume, I am quite happy being an introvert too. But as said, I'd like the friends, but I'd probably stay at home more often than not. I say that, though... I tend to do the 5-year-old-wants-a-toy-but-gets-bored-of-it-after-a-day kinda thing. Quality over quantity is exactly how I feel. I can really only open up to 2 or 3 people, and I think I'm quite lucky to have that than when people have the "buddies" thing going on - if that makes sense. I'm not entirely happy about being different, with neither my introvert-ness or my sexual orientation. There are times where I think that I will have a happy relationship with another man and that I will thoroughly enjoy their company and their body. And there are times where I think I have been bestowed a curse, that I will not live up to the expectations of my family (those that care about me) and that I will not be able to have children of my own. I have accepted who I am, I just change my mind if I like it or not... if that is possible. I do have self-confidence issues. I feel that no matter what I do, I have the same luck as a fly stuck in a spider's web being a few centimetres away from its killer. I highly doubt I don't appreciate the things I have, and therefore think everything is going bad for me. There are big things and little things that seem to affect me only and no one else. I can't really explain it without going pointlessly thorough about it and sounding silly... but yeah. Becoming closer to my dad will be quite a task... and I most likely will not be able to bring up those kind of subjects. I don't think he is the social type, and that he really has many opinions of his own. Although certain subjects he can really rant on about like computers and religion. It may be the cultural differences... if there are any, but it's not the kind of thing we do around here. You cannot really get serious about anything unless it's something like death or whatever. I'm not sure though, I don't spend time with enough people to make that kind of conclusion. In the end, my dad in whatever culture will be a tough nut to crack. I get the feeling he doesn't really like the idea of gays... but that might be because he thinks I'm straight so he "doesn't need to worry". As I said before, I do not plan to come out until at least college. Both my parents have that "dream" of your child having children whilst having a beautiful wife. I think it'd bother my mum more than my dad though. Due to personal issues... my dad knows what I have to cope with, and being supportive in that sense, if I ever came out to him I doubt he would treat me any differently. At least, I will continue to think that. That was a lot to write I guess... by my standards anyway. I was concerned about how people would answer me, as I did not ask a question so why should I expect an answer? So its nice to know that there are people who can relate to me... Maybe my gayness (I don't like that word) does give me a different perspective on things, but I guess I'm still in the "confused" state. Thanks guys for replying... Nice to have/find people who can understand, even partially how I feel... Maybe there is hope for mankind. *This post is probably messed up and unstructured, so I apologise if it is hard to understand or if I repeat things... I just written it from my head trying to keep it as essay-like as possible. *
I know what you mean when you say "the buddies thing"... I think I'm very lucky to have my close friends too, even if they are few in number. I know it's cliche, but I really adhere to the "honesty is the best policy" mantra. I just feel it's best to have at least one person around whom you can be honest, and with whom you can share some of your deepest concerns; it doesn't matter if everyone else likes you if you can't open up to any one of them. I didn't mean to assume that you were completely happy with your life, hehe. I realize that that's rarely the case. Even I find myself changing my mind about whether or not I like who I am a lot... it's human nature. Honestly, I fluctuate between feeling good about myself to being utterly miserable more than I'd like to admit. But to keep it from getting too bad, I always keep the goal in mind--that one day I would find a man who can make me feel whole and love me as much as I love him. Self-confidence is hard to come by, and even harder to maintain. I'm not perfect when it comes to it, but I can tell that I've come further than most of my peers. Even the slightest sense that what you're doing is worth something, that what you believe in is worth something, or that the person you are is worth something... can really help you cope with some of the non-blessings of being gay, or just being different. (And you shouldn't worry about sounding silly... haha... pointlessly go through it if you want to. ) Even though I suggested getting closer to your father, I know what it's like to... not be. My parents and I are fairly emotionally distant, and I don't even know how I could begin to bridge the gap between us. And I'm positive cultural differences play a role--they always do. You're from the U.K., and I'm in the U.S., but even so, my parents are Vietnamese immigrants... and that adds a completely new layer of complexity to the situation. But yeah, certain things are just hard to talk about... although I might be able to join your dad in ranting about religion. ;D I'm waiting for college too, just because by then I won't be as bound to them as I am now. And guess what, my parents expect me to shower them with grandkids too. Isn't life just peachy? (Hehe, why don't you like the word "gayness"?) But anyway, I'm glad you found this place, as it's a great remedy for those periods of stress and confusion. I wish you the best of luck. - Trac
Not wanting to hijack (as I don't really have anything constructive to add to the point in question) but I think this is a good example of what EmptyClosets is about...just the fact that you find out that you are NOT alone, there ARE other people feeling exactly the same as yourself, etc etc. At the very least you have found people to talk to, exchange thoughts with and compare situations and experiences. Meeting people online with whom you have that much in common could well help give you confidence (and some knowledge) of how to do eventually do the same in real life. What did we ever do before the internet, hehe?
