Open Closet > Close Closet > Open Closet > Get in Closet & Weld the Door Shut?

I've been around this place for quite some time now (thank you to all the friendly EC Staff - you know who you are!), but have only just garnered enough courage to speak about it openly on the forum. I won't bore you with all the details (because not only is it long and tedious, but because I'm not ready to bare my soul). So this is my first post, please be nice

I have so much praise for all those that have managed to come out, whether to their parents, family, or friends. You all give me so much inspiration to push on... but sometimes it feels like I'm going up shit creek without a paddle (excuse my french).

I realised I liked other guys when I was in high school. Didn't say anything to anyone, kept everything to myself. Went to university, and ditto - didn't tell a soul. By my mid-20s, I started fooling around with other guys... and as weird as the experience was, I think it confirmed my orientation and who I was. Several years passed until I was ready to tell my parents... and so the closet was opened. But not for long. So much negativity from my parents and family forced me back into the closet. And I stayed there until I was 30.

With the wonderful help and encouragement from many EC Staff, I broke open the closet doors again. Yes - that was the 2nd time I came out - with no uncertain terms to my parents about my sexuality. I needed to make it loud and clear about who I was. Fast forward 15 months to today, and all that negativity has returned. I just can't stand all the continued negative criticism thrown at me. Sometimes, it's not even spoken - it's the vibe or looks you get from them. Or simply some seemingly "friendly" banter about how hot some woman looks, whether it be on the street, TV, or newspapers.

The reality is, I can't afford to move out of my parent's home. Finding a better paying job (that pays enough so I can afford to rent another place and have bread on the table) doesn't look likely at the moment.

My parents and family are some of the nicest people and I love them to bits. They have taken great care in raising me up to be the best that I can be. I have grown up in an extremely close-knit family where they have always been there for me (and I can't imagine life without them). Just on the matter of sexual orientation, they have an extremely strong stance against it. And I know their views on homosexuality will NEVER change.

Ultimately, this decision is my own... but is it really wise to walk out on your parents/family, leaving your family behind forever? Perhaps in the past, I was being far too optimistic about keeping my family while being gay. Clearly, these 2 things cannot co-exist... and I will need to choose one or the other.

My fighting days are over - I've had my fair share of arguments with them and refuse to talk/discuss/negotiate with them anymore. Honestly, I'd get further doing this :bang:

Should one really sacrafice family (by cutting family ties) in order to live out their own life? The alternative is in the thread title.

 

Thank you for all your responses Although I'm feeling down and depressed, it has given me some food for thought. My apologies in advance if I'm sounding difficult and negative.

Yes, my family have been very supportive of me... and have poured in blood, sweat, and tears raising me up. And so, how do I repay them? By doing one of the very things they despise of most - being gay.

They do expect me to progress with my life - in the traditional manner. By traditional, I mean no "funny" business and getting married to a woman. Then having children. So I have my own family, with children looking me (and wife) as we progress into our elderly years.

Bingo (excuse the pun)! That is exactly how I see it. Having been "shot" on numerous occasions, I've covered up the bullet wounds but still got quite a bit of internal bleeding.

In a sense, the closet does feel like an upright coffin. Trapped and suffocating inside, with limited air supply.

Their problem with me being gay? Here are some of the comments thrown at me:

• "Every man needs a woman - like how night follows day... like how 1+1=2..."
• "No one in the family is gay - it must be you imagining things and believing it is true when it really is false"
• "You must get married to a woman before your younger siblings do" (as it has always been traditionally)
• "Why don't you listen to us... we are not your enemies or trying to deceive you... don't fight it, just get married - you'll thank us in the future... living happily ever after (like us)..."
• "You will grow into the marriage... and grow to love her. It's not all about passionate love as you see on TV... because that just fizzles out. It's about commitment to each other, and your children. And as you see your children grow up, thoughts of other men will simply disappear. Your focus will be on your wife and children - you will forget about being attracted to other men. Trust me."

Also:

• The idea of gay sex (e.g. inserting a penis into an anus, sucking a penis) absolutely disgusts them
• When they saw 2 guys kissing in public, they almost vomited
• They fear all the diseases inherent with sexual contact with another man (I do agree there is a higher risk for some activities)

And the list goes on... my heart aches the more I think about it. I find it easier to suppress all those comments - it helps blunt out all these depressing feelings). Of course, I've only paraphrased the quotes... but they are worded to a similar effect.

Despite all this, I do believe what they're saying is true to some extent.

So essentially, they want me to go into the deep recesses of the closet where there is another compartment. Inside, there is a HUGE non-cash prize - my perfect match: a woman.

I've tried discussing alternative options with my family. They hate the idea of me living with gay folks. In a sense, they think it'll make me even more gay (if that's even possible). I've looked into house share, but again, my finances aren't looking good right now. I might be able to get some emergency accommodation for a couple of days, but really that isn't a plan at all.

As for being bright with Uni qualifications? Ha! :badgrin: My parents think firmly believe I'm so bright that I can teach myself to become straight! It's just like tackling every other difficult project at work, right??? :tears:

So my family are 95% good - and I should slice off my arm because they are pulling on the 5% that's bad?

So if 95% love = incomplete love, then I should just forget about them and move on? Surely 95% is more than complete enough. If I did a maths exam and got 95%, I'd be over the moon! Imagine the teacher giving me a FAIL mark because I did not get 100% in my exam.

But yes, I do get where you are coming from. I can see how it amounts to "slavery". And I'm glad you managed to move out to a far away place with better opportunities I too have been thinking about the possibilities, but have been held back.

I still believe my family have my best interests at heart... and want the best for me and my future. They are "attacking" my decisions because they strongly disagree its the best way forward. They see a life in isolation, with an uncertain future, and no true support when I'm old and fragile. Even if I moved into a nursing home, I would have no one to visit me because I have no family of my own. A very lonely life.

My parents and family do love me - I have no doubt about that. The last thing I want to do is to destroy my family, just to get what I want. I am hurting and suffering, probably more than I want to admit. But so are my parents - they are in a lot of pain and don't want this life for me. I'm looking at things from their perspective and it all makes so much sense. They are pushing me in a certain direction - because it is for my own good.

If what I said doesn't make sense, that's okay, because I don't get it either... I'm really just arguing with myself. :bang:

 

I wish I wasn't born, but hey I'm still alive... barely kicking. Maybe resu's right, I'm just a slave after all. :icon_sad: