Hi guys, I was hoping you could help me out with a problem that seems to have developed in my relationship over the past couple of weeks. I've been dating a guy for six months now. I came out to my friends and family back when I was 19 and am generally very comfortable being gay and don't really mind who knows this. My partner on the other hand is the same age as myself (24) but was only out to a very small handful of people that didn't include his close friends or family. I was also his first boyfriend, so alot of what we experienced together was a first for him. Initially he seemed to like my confidence in my sexuality, and this helped him to come out to alot of his close friends, and to his siblings who he is very close with. He made all the first moves in the relationship, including asking me out and suggesting that he should come out to his family/friends. He did integrate me alot into his life, very much as a partner. However he has had a difficult time coming out to his parents which has developed feelings of anxiety and depression on his side very recently. Things had been going great, although I imagine in hind sight they probably were moving quite quickly for him but there were never really any issues or warning signs about this. I knew that he was very nervous about telling his parents (he had tried to tell them once before and they pushed him back into the closet saying he wasn't gay). He obviously doesn't want to let them down and deal with those feelings of disappointment. I think what seems to be happening now is that he has so much fear and anxiety over coming out that it reverberating back onto our relationship where he feels this pressure to come out, or to be like I am with my sexuality. I don't want this to be the case at all and I definitely haven't openly pressured him into coming out but he must feel that in order to be with me he has to do this. He has met with a mental health counsellor this week which is a good step but I was wondering if you guys had any advice about how I should approach this issue from my side. I want to provide him with as much support and guidance as I possibly can for the long term. I am happy to back off and provide him with space, or show that I am here to support him. But I worry if I do the latter it might increase that pressure to come out and ruin what we have, whereas if I give him space it might let him stumble further into depression or anxiety without that support he needs. Sorry for bugging you guys this with - it's an issue I've never experienced beforehand and felt like it would be good to reach out to people who are either going through or have gone through these feelings beforehand. Thanks,
I think you just have to give him time and make sure you tell him he's got you for support. Do you two live together or does he still live with his parents? Obviously, if he thinks they will react negatively, even for a short while, then he'd be better off with a bit of distance from them. On the other hand, if he's not then you can make it a bit easier by reassuring him that he'll always have you to support him, even (or especially) in his toughest times. I feel like I keep repeating, but you just have to be clear that it's his decision when he comes out to his parents. In my mind, there are two types of fear; those that will disappear with time and those that will not ease and you just have to push yourself now to get it over with. I'm not saying it's right to come out when you're not ready, but sometimes stress probably won't get that much better (it could get worse the more he thinks about it) and the right thing to do is to just deal with it now. That's for him to assess though and will hopefully be aided by the counselling. I wish you two the best of luck!
This is the line that really jumped out at me. Fortunately, this is something that you can control -- tell him that you're not going anywhere and that you don't want him to do anything he's not ready for. I'm sure he knows that in the long run you'll be happier together if he's able to come out, but he needs to do this for himself, not for anybody else. You definitely don't want to discourage himself from coming out if he's actually getting himself closer to doing so, but make sure he's doing it for the right reasons and that you've got his back.
Hey man thanks for your advice and quick reply (it must be early in the morning over in the UK!) We don't live together he does live with his parents. He is a triplet, and his two other triplet siblings have already moved out and his old sister has also moved out as well. So I'm sure the fact he'd be effectively home alone with his parents would exacerbate his anxiety. The family is also very close as well. I'll see him tonight to talk through his feelings and get an idea of where he is at right now. Hopefully we'll be able to talk through the issues and work out how to tackle his mental health issues together - and show that he has my support. I've been trying to do some research today into different mental health issues so I don't accidentally say something wrong and can understand more about his situation. Hopefully it goes well! I'll give you guys an update after I see him just incase other people are one day going through the same thing and want an idea about how everything played out.
Hey mbanema, Thanks for your response it's much appreciated. I agree I think looking back he may have been putting pressure on himself to come out to his parents so that it would improve the quality of our relationship. Maybe I can be more reassuring that our relationship isn't dependent on him coming out to his parents, and that I'll be there to support him regardless of what happens with that. I'll definitely be sure to emphasize that he needs to come out for his own reasons. I'm looking back now and thinking he probably came out to most people because of me (When he came out to them he would always lead with "XXX is my boyfriend" and not "I'm gay"). I'm a bit concerned that now he's come out to these people and he's still not quite comfortable with the idea (because like you said, he came out for me and not for himself when he was actually ready) it's creating a bit of resentment on his side towards me. Hopefully we can work through the issues.
Hi guys, Just to update briefly on what has happened. We have met and spoke through his issues and decided that because he is currently suffering from anxiety and depression due to coming to terms with his sexuality it is best for us to wind things down at the moment. He is associating these negative feelings with being with me so in order for us to have a chance moving forward he needs to work through these issues. I think it's definitely the best way for us to move forward and should hopefully allow him to have some time focusing on improving himself. From what I can see it appears as though alot of the anxiety and depression has been connected with the reaction of his parents and siblings to his coming out. If anyone has any resources on how to deal with these situations then that would definitely be much appreciated. Cheers!
