Hi there, I found these forums through google while trying to find advice on a horrible situation at work. Firstly, I should introduce myself. I'm a young trans woman in my 7th year post transition who works in a professional environment. I'm in a position of responsibility over others and deal with everyone in the work environment on and off - around 300 people. Recently I came out to a gay guy at work who is openly gay. He said he had no idea I was trans until a colleague recently told him that I was transgender. Following the chain of people back, I have discovered that it originated from an HR person who knew my gender history (I always disclose to HR where I am employed so that I am protected in case of nastiness). The information has been spread around fairly widely, as far as I can tell. I can usually tell when someone has been told that I'm trans because there is a definite attitude shift - especially in men. Suddenly I am being called 'mate' and 'buddy' a lot whereas it was 'miss' and 'ma'am' before. So I'm very uncomfortable at work at the moment. I have never wanted to be 'out'. I'm a straight trans woman who has been engaged for several years (marriage soon) so I don't feel there is anything 'visible' about my part of the LGBT spectrum. All I wanted to be treated like is myself (i.e. a woman) and get on with my life. I don't want to be a revolutionary or a radical or to be 'out and proud' because I can't see what that could possibly achieve when my goal has always been to be 'just a woman'. But now I've been forced into the position of a lot of people knowing and I don't know how to cope with it. HR have been cautioned for spreading the information around, but that doesn't put the jack back in the box. The information is out there now, beyond my control. I hate to idea of people looking at me and trying to figure out what I would look like if I were male. I hate the idea of people trying to dig up my old name or speculating in whispered conversations what's in my underpants. It makes my skin crawl and I don't want to be here anymore. Has anyone been through anything like this? Can anyone offer any advice? E.
Yeah, I figured this would go in the 'too hard' basket for most people. Will attempt to figure this out myself.
Overall, I really don't think that there is much that you can do to contain the information now. It sucks that HR did that, and as HR they really should know better. Do you think that there is any chance of getting HR to talk to the employees that interact with you? I would try to explain to them how being referred to in a more masculine manner makes you feel. If you don't feel comfortable with that, then maybe you could convince HR to talk to them or have some sort of training about LGBT people. There's also not much that you can do to control the thoughts of others. If somebody straight up asks you about your transition, you could use that as an educational moment and explain to them why those are questions that you do not ask. As hard as it is, I would try to carry on like nothing happened. Hopefully with some time, they will realize that nothing has changed about you, you are still the same person that you were before they found out about your identity.
i would say sue them hr should never of done that caution really? most bosses at least any good one would never allow someone intrusted with personal information to keep their job after that. really sorry your in this spot.
Can't add a lot, but if you are their boss or they are your coworkers, they need to treat you like a colleague and with respect. You are all there to work. I'm an engineer first and a woman second personally. I know they are probably not being outright rude, or even know they are doing anything wrong, but subtly or unknowingly being a jerk is still being a jerk, and it won't stop unless people know what is okay with you. You're a professional, and so are they, and everyone needs to act like it. I really hate how callous this feels I mean I really can't imagine how terrible this must be. Hopefully I only ever have to imagine myself. But it is very likely that some of your personal relationships with your coworkers will be changed. Still, I don't think you are out of line if you give them funny looks or correct them with "that'll be miss and not mate thanks all the same" every now and then. No, you shouldn't have to, HR was incredibly unprofessional, I would feel betrayed, and it sucks that you are the one that gets punished for it. But as I'm sure you remember, if you are up front with people who are unsure how to react, they will take their cues from you. You are a woman, you know that, your husband knows that, and at least intellectually you know that's all that matters even if your feelings say something else. I know it's terrible going back to some of those feelings you worked so hard to get away from, but really, how other people see you does not define you. Let your coworkers imagine what's under your dress. Some of them probably did before they knew this about you. They just feel a little bolder about talking about it now, even though it's just as much none of their business as it was before. Otherwise, if you want to address it directly, I think Thecat was right about having HR help you.
Thanks for all your replies people, very much appreciated I will think over what you've said and see what I come up with. My other option is to ask to be transferred to another account, even though I love(d) working on this account.
The regional HR manager emailed me back and was very supportive. She offered to step in if I wanted her to and also suggested being transferred to another account. I'm strongly considering the transfer, even though I will miss all the friends I made here. All I want right now is to go home and cry. I hate this part of my life and wish I could cut it out of my flesh somehow.
It's good to hear that there was a silver lining I still feel really bad for your situation and hope it gets better one way or the other. I also really hope the other people in your office realize how uncomfortable they're making you, and some of your friends step up for you. There have to be some people in the office that can continue treating you like a woman and a coworker.
