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So.. I'm a femme girl.. I might deal with the ''oh you're too girly to be gay''

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ChloeKiss, Jan 22, 2014.

  1. ChloeKiss

    ChloeKiss Guest

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    How do I deal with something like that without wanting to jump off a bridge? These stereotypes about gay people seem to be dying down a bit but I think society still has a long way to go before people DON'T assume your straight by the way you look and act.

    This is one of the reasons I joined this site. I need some advice on how to deal with ignorant people? I'm pretty sensitive so whenever someone tries to tell me i'm something i'm not it basically breaks me. Girls and Guys how do you deal with the stereotypes?
     
  2. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    I'm so girly which has let me stay in the closet without anyone suspecting but it's not exactly bait for other lesbians. I wouldn't be offended so much because like it's so hard to figure out who is apart of the lgbt community that they probably just want a way to identify who is and who isn't, I think the only way to deal if you were out is to tell people and that would like change their opinion on who is gay and who isn't.
     
  3. ChloeKiss

    ChloeKiss Guest

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    *facepalm* I knew this I really did.. I'm just whinging. I know it's hard for others to tell gay or not apart from masculine guys to feminine girls but life itself surrounding my sexuality becomes difficult when I think about trying to explain why I am the way I am and why I am feminine and how I don't desire a man. The only explanation I have for them is.. I don't feel at home with guys? *sigh* This is going to be a long journey! Thanks for your reply though :slight_smile:

    Even though I am pretty much a lesbian myself I shouldn't be so ignorant when it comes to stereotypes.. Because I for one wouldn't believe you were gay for a second but then I would look at myself in the mirror ha! I don't look gay! It makes me feel a bit hypocritical. Life is life though :icon_wink
     
  4. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    Ahaha yeah it's like people would only believe us if we were butch or something but their are other feminine lesbians. I think people just want others to fill out a role but everyone is different.
     
  5. ChloeKiss

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    There is a tumblr page called lipstick lesbians.. I go on it all the time. That one page on the internet would prove to lots of people that feminine girls can be gay. Hopefully more people reply to this post though.
     
  6. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    I hope others post too, it'd be nice to get perspectives from others.
     
  7. femmeinpink

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    I'm definitely a femme girl myself and that's part of the reason why I'm still in the closet. I know it'll be hard once I come out to explain the stereotypes, but that's the only way we can change people's minds about what it means to be a lesbian.

    I'm also worried about finding a girlfriend once I am out. I'm mostly attracted to girly girls and sadly, most of them are straight! It's so hard being femme...but I don't want to change who I am just to please others and I don't think you should either!
     
  8. stocking

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    I'm a femme myself and it's very hard for me to find other women that are gay or get a girlfriend i came out to my friend last week and she couldn't believe that i was a lesbian she said I don't look it at all . What annoys me is I always get hit on by guys and asked out by them but never girls i feel so invisible . When guys compliment me it feels nice but then again it's not that important . I know I'm annoyed by it but I guess I have to deal with the fact that i'm invisible to other lesbians and bisexual women . But one time I know is when I come out to people I can break that dump stereotype about lesbians . But what annoys me the most is the dump comments from some straight men that i don't look like a lesbian and because I don't look like one I can be turned gets on my nerves more than anything :dry:
    I'm currently trying online dating to meet other lesbians that's all I can do it's better than going around town asking random women if their gay and being femme has helped me stay hidden people just think I'm a virgin that can't get a guy or have trouble getting men .
     
  9. SLBC94

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    ^^^^ This

    I'm pretty femme too although I do have days where I can tip toe across in to androgyny and I find it so hard to meet girls. I know it's awful but I have the habit of assuming every girl that looks remotely femme is straight even though I know it's not true (myself being an example)

    As for people saying you're too girly to be gay, I've only had that happen to me a few times and I just usually explain that being gay does not affect personality or shrug it off depending on how much I can be bothered with educating said ignorant person (there are some people that will never change how they think no matter how hard you try). When you do deal with people that say things like that just remind yourself that you're breaking down stereotypes by coming out and being proud of who you are. That should reduce the urge to jump off a bridge. :slight_smile:

    Usually I just get a surprised face and the exclamation of 'I never would have guessed.'
     
  10. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    I dunno when I'm out I might try dressing more like less than girly until I hook a lesbian and then I can be like aha I've trapped you and then start dressing girly again.
     
  11. Gia K

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    To be honest, I generally dislike gender binaries like "masculine" and "feminine", because, the way I see it, there are many shades of grey and things in between and we shouldn't guidge ourselves after binaries. But I do get your point.

    However, I see we share a common frustration. I'm also quite a femme myself and, to my annoyance, only attracted to other femmes. The biggest problem is that you can't really tell them from straight girls, and also, if you try and come out to someone they're more likely not going to take you seriously ("You're too girly to be a lesbian..."). That's why I hate fucking gender binaries.

    After all, who the hell says that a lesbian can't wear lipstick or highheels or, hell, be a darn housewife if she wishes to! It's like we can't express ourselves fully because people have already this cutboard version of what a lesbian is and what she should look like and can't see anything past it.

    I'm sorry, I think I whined more than I helped. Right now, I don't know what advice I could give because, hell, I don't know what advice to give to myself in this situation! :frowning2:
     
  12. ChloeKiss

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    I know what you mean. I have only ever gotten crushes on feminine girls. They are so cute I can't help but want to be their girlfriend :frowning2: I think I will struggle finding a girlfriend too.. Unless I get out and proud which wont happen anytime soon. I flirt with girls but I look straight so they probably just assume i'm straight but no.. I want to get on them :icon_wink aha.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2014 at 08:31 PM ----------

    Oh I know how you feel about getting hit on by men.. I get looked at in sexual ways by some disrespectful men (the ones I would NEVER date in a million years) It doesn't mean much to me either when a guy compliments me. I appreciate it but don't feel anything from it. When a girl calls me cute I fall :icon_wink too bad some of those girls were straight that called me that. I have fooled around with a girl before (my ex) but because we were both so scared of coming out we broke it off. I will have a huge smile on my face when I come out and hear the comment ''you don't look lesbian'' because the smile I give them will have a great big f**k you written all over it (I really don't have a bad attitude but I sometimes seem like I do ha). I understand it's a surprise but seriously..

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2014 at 08:33 PM ----------

    I will remind myself i'm breaking the stereotypes :slight_smile: It will make me smile when I see a guy surprised because maybe then they will be a bit more careful with how they try get with girls.. some cute feminine girls could be gay you know. I just proved it to them. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2014 at 08:35 PM ----------

    Trapped? eek those girls should be careful you sound dangerous! :icon_wink in a cute way of course :slight_smile: Never change who you are.. Just try make it more obvious. Wear a necklace that says love is love or something to show people you like women :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2014 at 08:42 PM ----------

    Aw :frowning2: I feel your pain.. You know that though :slight_smile: You know what? I almost get the urge to SCREAM girls who dress and act feminine SHOULDN'T be assumed to be straight. Look at me i'm an ultimate femme! And I like women.. Like alot!!! I like the femininity a woman posseses and I love their whole body every inch of it! I can't deny the way women make me feel. Get it through your heads!!! But i'm such a wimp when it comes to my sexuality it will take me awhile to get the guts to say something like that.
     
  13. kessiej

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    Yeah I know where you guys are coming from, it must be hard to be attracted to women but nobody can take you seriously. I've pretty much got both feminine and masculine qualities so it can be easier for people to know my orientation.

    On the other hand though I think it's all abouut confidence and self-esteem, I mean I ask out feminine girls all the time (I'm not a tramp lol) and seem to get positive responses. I'm not afraid to go up to a pretty girl n ask for her number, maybe because I'm sure of myself, but not in an arrogant way though.
    Is that what you girls want, more women to be brave enough to come onto you???

    XXX
     
  14. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    I guess wearing a crucifix necklace would throw them off ahaha.

    I would love a woman to be like that, I'm so use to guys taking control to get with me and then when I'm dating them (cause I'm a closet case) I end up taking control. I'm pretty confident about myself, like I was a cheerleader but I prefer to take the more submissive role in hooking someone.
     
  15. kessiej

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    I would love a woman to be like that, I'm so use to guys taking control to get with me and then when I'm dating them (cause I'm a closet case) I end up taking control. I'm pretty confident about myself, like I was a cheerleader but I prefer to take the more submissive role in hooking someone.[/QUOTE]

    Ahaha gosh I wish there were more women like you around:icon_wink

    So what do you go for in a woman then??? I'm only asking cos sometimes 'butch' women might see a 'femme' as 'out of their league' and afraid of getting knocked back and rejected. I myself prefere women who look like women (not to offend anyone) or as some people say 'straight' looking women (not to offend anyone again) and sometimes get it wrong.

    Do you ever ask a girl for her number yourself or is it something you couldn't imagine doing??? You said that you would love more women to ask you out, I take it you like your partner to be in control then (if it's a female). When I've dated guys I pretty much go for shy types, I think it's so I can feel in control of the relationship and do as I please, on the other hand though I prefer my women the same, not out of control though, it's just that naughty and nice scenario!!! XXX:kiss:
     
  16. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    Ahaha gosh I wish there were more women like you around:icon_wink

    So what do you go for in a woman then??? I'm only asking cos sometimes 'butch' women might see a 'femme' as 'out of their league' and afraid of getting knocked back and rejected. I myself prefere women who look like women (not to offend anyone) or as some people say 'straight' looking women (not to offend anyone again) and sometimes get it wrong.

    Do you ever ask a girl for her number yourself or is it something you couldn't imagine doing??? You said that you would love more women to ask you out, I take it you like your partner to be in control then (if it's a female). When I've dated guys I pretty much go for shy types, I think it's so I can feel in control of the relationship and do as I please, on the other hand though I prefer my women the same, not out of control though, it's just that naughty and nice scenario!!! XXX:kiss:[/QUOTE]

    I've never asked anyone for their number cause I can't picture doing it, I dunno I'm really into the girl role of things so I always wear dresses, I have my hair done nicely and I exercise a lot so I can look great. Usually the guys that always ask me out are really confident about themselves and more of the jock guys cause there the ones I usually attract, but I'm a pretty heinous girlfriend, I'm so high maintenance and I have control issues since I dunno if I don't feel I'm in control I'd usually make the other one feel bad about them self and reduce their self esteem and then exploit that so then I can take control, it's either control issues or that I'm not really into them since I like girls. I'd go for either femme or butch, I wouldn't mind either so much.
     
    #16 Beantown, Jan 23, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2014
  17. ChloeKiss

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    Wearing a crucifix necklace? I don't know.. Maybe some girls would be into that :icon_wink I personally find goth/scary girls sexy but it depends would you make them feel like you were going to murder them? Try not to do that :lol:

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2014 at 03:22 AM ----------

    I'm the type of girl who sits there with her legs crossed on the bar or at the table. I look like a mysterious but not creepy girl. Yes I do want girls to come onto me! I can do it myself if I find her too cute for words that I just HAVE to do something but honestly I just want more girls to be gay is all! But guys are pretty cool so I understand to an extent why they aren't wired like me :icon_wink
     
    #17 ChloeKiss, Jan 23, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2014
  18. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    omg no it's not like that when I mean crucifix necklace, I'm not goth, I'm a Catholic so I wear my crucifix necklace cause of like Jesus. My crucifix necklace is tiny and not one of those huge ones, usually I wear like my crucifix necklace with a dress, a cardigan and matching shoes or with my cheerleading uniform for school.
     
  19. ChloeKiss

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    Oh my god I am so sorry. I totally didn't even think of that! I feel stupid as! Oh well in that case i'm sure it wouldn't matter :slight_smile: They probably would just think you were a christian gay girl? Anyway.. Yeah. Look at all these replies! I'm getting some great responses.
     
  20. lovely lesbian

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    I'm would say was a little femme but then I'm not really bothered xxx