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I really need to fall out of love with my straight best friend.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Arbogast, Jan 22, 2014.

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  1. Arbogast

    Arbogast
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    I'm in a rough patch right now. He is my best, and oldest friend, we've known each other for about 14 years. But around July of the past year I realized that I was madly in love with him. We used to have a somewhat regular foreplay from when we were 14 until around March of the past year, but then it just... stopped (we're both 17 now).

    After that, he got a girlfriend and he started to recriminate some gay-ish things that I do, like using ":3" and saying "cute" often, though in my native language it does sound very feminine. I spent a lot of time really confused, I had no idea if he was really gay/bi or straight, hence the foreplay being only an "experience". But I have my thoughts sorted now, and I realize that even if he's gay/bi, he's not into me.

    And that brings us to the part two of my struggle. We both finished our senior years in high school, and he's going to college. But here in Brazil you have to take a very hard test to get into college, he made it and I didn't, so I have to go to a cram school. I was supposed to attend it in my city, but there's a cheaper and better one in the city that my sister resides, so I'll have to move there. And I'll probably go to college there, since it's a better one and it's a large city, therefore more opportunities for Architecture (my "thing").

    I am at a stage of love right now, that seems to only have a way to name it in french. It's called "La Doulour Exquise", which is the pain of loving someone unattainable, yet you try to be with them - it has a drug-like effect. The days that I don't see him I really feel bad. I get all grumpy, depressed, and basically want to die. So I have no idea how am I going to live in another city and still be in love with him.

    So I need to fall out of love, and fast. School term is about to start. I keep telling to myself that it's useless and there's nothing special about him, though there is, but every time I stumble across a picture of him I'm reminded of what I fell for. And yet I can't just stop talking to him, I really don't want to lose such a special friendship.

    Tomorrow he's going on a trip to a beach resort for five days (here we are at the end of the summer vacations), so I think it's the best time to do it, as I won't be seeing him. I really need to know what to do. Can anyone help me? Please?
     
    #1 Arbogast, Jan 22, 2014
  2. NotSureWhatIam

    NotSureWhatIam
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    I went through the same exact thing bro (pretty sure every gay guy has at some point). I just started thinking of him as a brother and nothing else. Start to notice other people to get your mind off him and remember how important the friendship is. If you do tell him, I would stay away from the sexual feelings and stick with romantic ones, that would probably help him swallow the idea.
     
    #2 NotSureWhatIam, Jan 22, 2014
  3. fortheloveoflez

    fortheloveoflez
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    That's a right of passage for queer identified people throughout the world. I've been there. It's awful. I know it really is just...hard...and it's awful. For me personally the only way I kind of "got over it" was by telling her how I felt. Now, I think when I got rejected (kind of) I took it in more readily. But then again......it's been years and I'm still kind of in love with her but it's not at the point where I feel physically ill if I don't see her, you know?

    I think your situation is different though if you have to see him every day.....with mine I rarely see her any more...but when I do there are always feelings I just learned to control them and accepted that it's probably not gonna happen

    so basically...it's hard...and I don't totally know how to do it.....I was able to diminish but not erase all the feelings completely. Hopefully you have better luck.

    Best wishes!
     
    #3 fortheloveoflez, Jan 22, 2014
  4. NotSureWhatIam

    NotSureWhatIam
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    I should add to what I said, it doesn't just apply to "gay guys".. not what I meant.
     
    #4 NotSureWhatIam, Jan 22, 2014
  5. Julieno

    Julieno
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    I think that the fact that you are both going to live in different places is going to help you. It is going to be hard, but you will eventually get to know other people and get a "new life" without thinking about him 24/7. It was like that for me at least, and now we are still good friends, just not so close.
     
    #5 Julieno, Jan 23, 2014
  6. Cigsmoker

    Cigsmoker
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    This will definitely sound really mushy but I am currently listening to Janet Jackson's Again while reading your post and it kind of made the entire experience of me reading your post a bit melancholic. *sorry*

    When I was your age [I'm 30 now] I used to have pages and pages of journal entries solely dedicated to this guy who wasn't into me. He is straight so the thought of me hooking up with him is extremely impossible. I even felt the same set of emotions that you have right now and I wanted to fall out of love [or fall out of awe, in retrospect] as soon as possible.
    Sorry for sharing my story but my point is, I truly understand your dilemma. It feels like the world is coming to an end but you know what...you are only 17! And this is something to be happy about. You have years and years of happiness and experiences [sometimes so surreal it will make feel utterly alive] ahead of you...and this is something to look forward to. I know you feel so down and depressed right now but once you start college, you will get to meet a lot of people and you will fall that genuine and profound love that you desire. The kind of love that will be reciprocated to you. The kind of love that you deserve.

    I don't know if this would help but I hope that this reply will make you smile a little.
     
    #6 Cigsmoker, Jan 23, 2014
  7. jargon

    jargon
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    Someone else mentioned trying to notice other people, which I think is good advice, though it can be hard in this situation.

    Another thing to consider is this: when anyone is in love, they tend to emphasize that person's qualities and ignore their flaws. Try forcing yourself to be more realistic about the negatives of this person - the things that would actually be kind of annoying to have to deal with on a daily basis if you were in a relationship with that person. Believe it or not there are always a few, and if you put a little effort into noticing them and recognizing them for what they are you'll probably have an easier time.
     
    #7 jargon, Jan 23, 2014
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