Coming out via a letter? Any members here have used this technique? At the moment I just dont have the guts to tell my parents in their face. Also, up to now I came out to my friends via instant text messages. And then only afterwards discussed it with them. So far so good. For my parents I want to approach it a bit differently. It has dawned on me that my parents are easily disctracted. I struggle to hold a proper serious conversation with them. But they read a lot and thus my reasoning. :help:
I think it's a great idea. You can communicate what you need to without feeling rushed or ignored, and your folks can think over how to respond and are less likely to be reactionary. As for giving them the letter, I wouldn't be there in person when they read it. You could leave it in the house where they are sure to see it and take off for a while, or actually send it to your own house through the post. It sounds silly, but at least they'll be sure to read it.
I had intended to use a letter to come out to my mum, but she clawed it out of me in a fight. I still wrote and gave her the letter and it seemed to do some good. They are useful, I think, because it means you can choose your words really carefully and make sure there is no question about what you are saying. You can make it clear in the writing that this isn't a question of you having 'not found the right girl' or that you are 'opening up your options'. You can get those questions dealt with before they get asked!
Don't confuse "distracted" with concerns they foresee taught them by experience which you lack. Imagine you have 29 dominoes and they have 55 dominoes set up for toppling. When their dominoes topple they go far beyond where yours stop. They can see beyond your experience and may offer other concerns. The problem arises in their experience most probably being 100% straight with only stereotypical societal hearsay which society drills into them about what being gay means (useless crap). They read a lot... Dr. Joe Kort - "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives". Buy it, read it, write your letter to your parents and give them the letter and the book imploring them to read it BEFORE talking to you. Level playing field. Tom
Thank you all for the great feedback. Skiff - I will have to search for that book. I live in a rural part of the country$
Hypocrite alert since I haven't been able to do this, but in many ways I think sending a letter is the best way to do this. You're able to really think about what you want to say and get that out clearly which probably wouldn't happen in a one-on-one confrontation since the level of emotion is so high. On the flip side, your parents have a chance to let it sink in before talking to you and avoid an immediate reaction that they might regret. Good luck!
It's one of the best ways to do it. It gives the recipient time to absorb it without you having to directly deal with them; some of the questions might be hurtful or invasive. It also means that you can cover the salient points without feeling embarrassed or breaking down. Whether you hand-write it or type it, give it physically or electronically, just make sure that it's clear and brief, but still covers all of the points. With writing, you're less likely to beat around the bush, but still make sure that it's clear from the beginning what you're saying; that it's a coming out letter. And under no circumstances must you write it in an apologetic way. That said, good luck.
Thank you all for the words of support. I will start to work on a letter. Unfortunately I am not going to be able to post it here since it will be inmy mother tongue Afrikaans. And I don't want to translate it just yet to prevent it from being watered down. But I'll keep ya'll posted.
Okay - I discovered the "letters" section of this site. The coming out letter of "Mike" is excellent and gives me new hope.
Today I have written the prototype "coming out" letter to my parents using old school pen and paper. It is about 5 pages long and I hope cover all the most important aspects. I will re-type the letter on the computer. But I am thinking of maybe re-writing it neatly for a more personal touch. Anybody care to add any more insight? I am not planning to present them with the letter any day soon. Maybe in the next four weeks or so but I am planning it now so that I can refine it as best I can, making it as clear as possible.
I can't think of anything to add, other than good luck with it! Actually, I can, if I were you I would type it up first and THEN write it neatly if you feel you want that personal touch. At least that way if you think of a way to change the letter to make it sound better you haven't ruined a full sheet of writing for no reason!
I also came out to my parents via letter and I can't think of anything to add apart from I hope it goes well for you
Write it. Wait two weeks. Then read it. Correct anything which now sounds awkward or bad grammar or spelling, which will distract from the message. If you have a friend you are out to, ask them to critique it for you.
I think typing your letter to proofread and refine before writing it out is a great idea. Handwritten notes just pack more meaning, in my opinion anyways.
Writing a letter is a really good idea!!! I really hope everything will go well and that your parents are accepting of it! Maybe it is a good idea to let a close friend read it first so he/she can give you some insight? Don't know how your relationship with your friends is but I think it is always good to hear insight from people who can see the entire picture ( don't know if that is just a dutch saying but I think you know what I mean ).
Thank you all for the advice. I have plenty of friends to whom I can send it for "proof reading" and think that it will be a wise thing to do. Thank you. May I please ask something selfish? Please keep me in your prayers and/or think of me during this time. It is really grinding at my nerves and I am totally stressed out and physically tired of be contorted by all of this. /Dave
Of course we will think about you !!! This is a big moment in your life and you need people to talk to and that is what we are for
