I was raised a Protestant Christian since a young age. I have always had a habit of repressing thoughts, feelings, and emotions if they left me confused or if I simply did not want to accept them. I was doing a lot of thinking and trying to figure myself out, and I mentally kept stripping away the barriers I created in my thoughts to figure out what was at the core of it all, because I had repressed so much over the years it became a swirling mass of confusion. After hours of self-reflection and meditation I came to accept the fact that I am bisexual, that was about a week ago and since I have only come out to my three best friends. I still felt I was ignoring or repressing some thing else, so I kept meditating and thinking and probing myself mentally to see what I would find. I realized that I have never quite felt like a man nor a woman, but sort of a mixture of both and that some days I feel slightly more like man than a woman and vice versa, after doing research on gender, I came across a term called Gender-fluid and I think that is what I am but I would like the input of other people. I already told two of my three best friends, one of them seemed indifferent the other one laughed at me and thinks I am just being goofy but I am not goofing around. I've repressed these feelings for so long and need to try to understand them and accept them. My physical sex is male, some times I am fine with that when I feel more like a man, but some times I wish I where female, and some times I wish I could just move between the two sexes at will, or even a third one in-between. I was wondering what I can say to my friend that thinks I am just being goofy to make him understand, he's got ADHD so he can be tough to deal with some times but I think of him like a brother. I don't think I want to emerge fully from the closet with my family because they are all the type that would just mock me and it would cause chaos, I still live with my parents and don't want to make my life at home hectic. I am 26 and had been repressing these feelings my whole life, since before I can remember. I suppose it's more proper to say I repressed and self-denied those feelings. As odd as it sounds it was a song from a movie that broke my emotional wall I put up. I usually don't express much of my emotions on the surface but some how that song got to me and I actually cried the first time I heard it. The song was let it go from frozen, I don't know why it got to me so much, it just did. That break in my composure is what caused me to want to do some soul searching. I have also always been very anti-social and shy but lately I have been trying my hardest to socialize and make more friends, I think my anti-social nature was a by-product of that self-denial of those feelings because it probably caused a fear of rejection and a desire to keep some distance from others, but I am so tired of being anti-social and bottling up my feelings. Sorry for the long post, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and felt that I needed to share it with some one. Your advice and thoughts would be most helpful. May love and peace be with you, Always. In the name of Asherah the Queen of Heaven, Amen.
First off, I'd like to congratulate you on coming out to someone within a week of accepting your sexuality. It takes a lot of courage to do something like that! As for your friend, there's no way to make him immediately understand what gender-fluid means. Just be patient with him. After some time, I'm sure he'll at least get used to the idea and accept it, even if he doesn't fully understand it. You seem to have conquered a lot recently, so feel free to relax. You don't have to worry about coming out to your family just yet; do it on your own time. Hopefully you're starting to feel a little better, now that you've accepted all these feelings. It might seem a little scary at first, but it does get easier!
Congrats on getting through to all those repressed thoughts and figuring yourself out! That's quite the accomplishment to get out of your own head and admitting who you are inside. I can definitely see how "Let it Go" could be the one to get through to you; it's not only beautiful, but a powerful song. Also, I know just how you feel being rather anti-social and bottling up everything inside. I tend to do that as well, even though it's really not healthy. It's a difficult task to break that habit. I don't really know what to say about your gender situation, as I myself have a hard time understanding gender-fluidity. It isn't that I think it's phony or weird or anything, I just can't fathom what it would feel like to not really belong to a specific gender myself. It's like trying to describe a colour. Anyway, don't feel sorry for the long post. It's only natural to unload every once in a while. I think you're on a great path with yourself now. Just keep going and take it as slow as you feel comfortable. No need to rush coming out to everyone or anything extravagant. -hugs!
Hi, I'm here if you need to talk, also I understand having to repress thoughts, feelings and emotions although I wasn't a Protestant, I'm a Catholic. So if you want to talk just let me know.
Thank you for all of your responses. @RainbowRally: I have this fear that should I come out to other Christians I will lose the respect they have for me. Though: I no longer identify as Protestant nor even Mainstream-Christian for that matter as my beliefs are almost a different belief system than what I was originally raised.
Omg I have the exact same feelings about coming out to other Christians because we're taught that homosexuality and stuff is bad so it's pretty much a coin toss to whether they accept us or not. I think being closer to them would make it easier for them to decide between accepting their friend's sexuality and their religious belief's but from what I've heard a lot choose to accept while also still believing in their religion, So whether they lose respect is pretty much based on different variables.
So I spoke to the friend that I thought, thought I was just being goofy when I told him I was gender-fluid, and after an argument he came out to me about also being Gender-fluid, and he's the one who said I was a goof for claiming I was. It was an odd argument felt more like a lovers quarrel than a argument between friends. Though he claims he's straight some days, and a lesbian other days. I am bisexual and I use to be in love with him, but after that argument it reignited those old feelings that I thought didn't exist any more. His friendship is important to me and I don't know if I should tell him that I might still harbor romantic feelings for him or if I should keep it to myself. What are your thoughts? It caught me off guard, a few days after I came out to him, he came out to me about the same thing..........................LoL we both have ADHD/ADD too.
