I'm not sure where to begin with this. I guess, if you haven't seen my post in the welcome section: Hi! I'm new here. Genderqueer, pansexual. Only recently out to a few people... I recently came out to someone... I'm sort of romantically involved with someone long-distance. And we got along quite well for about a year before I came out to him. I decided to bite the bullet, knowing if things were ever going to work out, he'd know eventually, or question me. The first part of the conversation was fine. He's generally open-minded (though after this all transpired I'm not so sure that's the word I'd use... maybe more conditionally open-minded) and was genuinely interested in the term genderqueer and how it related to me. He asked me questions, and I answered as best as I could. But then he started saying things like, "Well, I wouldn't want people to think I'm dating a dude" and "I'm worried I'll lose respect because my friends aren't as open minded like me." And it sort of became like, it's okay for me to be who I am and dress a certain way or act a certain way as long as it didn't negatively affect him. Which I didn't like. So we didn't talk for a couple days. When we talked about it again, he said he was completely okay with who I am, but it still seemed like he was placing conditions on me. He said at one point, "I'm fine with it, I have no problems, as long as you're being reasonable about it." Reasonable? So I can't dress or act a certain way because it's unreasonable? We haven't really talked since, and that was two weeks ago. We've talked every couple days, but usually just about his work or our exercise routines--small talk. I kind of feel that we're drifting apart; it suddenly seems like he has no time to really talk to me. I'm not sure what to think. I'm partially thinking maybe I should just tell him it's not going to work out, but at the same time I want to hang out just in case it DOES work out. I'm sort of lost on how to make him understand me and how I identify... Any thoughts or advice? What would you do in this situation? And also, thanks for listening.
My mum tried that. The whole, as long as it doesn't affect me it's fine. For starters my step-dad and her were desperate not to let me leave the house as a girl. Needless to say it was promptly ignored and they realised they were being idiots about the whole thing since random strangers and their friends really didn't give a crap. Unfortunately for you, it's different. Your boyfriend doesn't want people to start saying he's gay...which, you know, if he isn't gay is probably fair enough really. BUT it is completely unfair to put it all on you. If you want to know if it will work with him then you need to ask him straight if he is able and willing to accept you and whatever his friends and anybody else might say. If not, why put the effort in to a relationship where your partner is constantly checking to make sure you don't get mistaken for a guy? How is it likely to feel the first time someone says "That your...boyfriend?" and he turns around and goes "Dude, she's totally a chick for fuck sake. I'm not gay, got it!?"
Right. And I don't think he understands that me expressing myself as a boy doesn't make him gay; and that just because other people may think that doesn't make it true. I even told him that it doesn't matter to me what people think of me. And I'm trying to get him to understand that being open-minded doesn't come with regulations... a truly open-minded person wouldn't say, "I'm open-minded about trying new food, but I refuse to try sushi." I feel that's what he did/is doing. "I'm open-minded to hearing more about how you identify, but not if people are going to think I'm dating a guy." He kind of put it on his friends, too, saying they aren't as open-minded...yet, he has many openly gay friends, so I'm not sure how closed-minded they really are? I'm starting to think maybe it's just new to him and he doesn't know how to handle it. Maybe he's wondering what it's going to mean as far as his own sexuality? He's been pretty closed off. I'm not sure I want to continue things because he won't really open up now.
