Hello, I'm in the process of considering how to come out to my parents, and I'm considering the difference between coming out in college versus coming out while still in high school. I'd first want to come out to my mom, who I believe would be more supportive. On one hand, my parents are under a little bit of pressure right now considering I'm a high school senior and the college decision season will soon be approaching. There's also the emotional consideration of them sending a child who they've known off to college, and I wouldn't want to ruin that moment unnecessarily. However, I believe my mother would need to deal with my coming out by talking to her sisters and a family friend (all should be highly supportive), and I feel I could best 'arrange' and prepare support for her if I was at home rather than away. In college, I'd be away for most of the year, and would only be home during certain breaks. They'd be emotionally charged as well and generally wouldn't be the 'best' time to come out, so doing it while at home would have more flexibility with time. Has anyone made a similar decision in the past, and what should I consider that I may have missed? I certainly want to make sure this goes as well as possible for the sake of my parents. Thanks in advance.
As someone who is 25, in graduate school, and still not out, I would say the earlier the better. In high school, it can be hard because there is a lot of gossip and cliques since most of the kids have known each other for years. But, that also means you have strong friendships with people who are likely to be accepting. Coming out in high school will also mean you get through all the initial awkwardness and are more confident in college and later years. College is a different beast than high school because for the first time everyone is making a choice (and a very expensive one) to attend. Also, since not everyone takes the same classes, you will find yourself meeting a lot of new people without the baggage of having people know your entire life history. Most people in college care little about whether you're gay or straight; this partially has to do with more educated people being less homophobic. Basically, you make your own college experience because there is less pressure to conform. So, really if you think things would be okay, if temporarily stressful and emotionally charged, you should try to come out in high school to get that over with. Coming out is just the first step.
I'm not sure if this is a common sentiment or not, but I think the longer you wait to come out the more difficult it becomes. My parents live close by, but with the exception of Christmas I really only see them for a few hours each month and I think that makes it too easy to avoid the subject. You might find the same with your visits from college. Just as a counter-argument to not wanting to take away a milestone from your parents by sending you off to college, if you come out right after that they could feel like you were waiting to get away from them to be yourself which could be pretty painful. The bottom line though is that you have to come out for yourself. It's awesome that you're considering how your parents will take the news and don't want to screw anything up for them, but it's their job to love you unconditionally and handle any curve balls you throw their way. If you feel you're ready and that the pros of coming out outweigh any cons, do it. ...I really wish I could get myself to take my own advice sometimes. Good luck with whichever path you decide to take!
It's hard to suggest which would be particularly better, high school or college, because there are so many more variables and little things going on in everyone's lives. There really isn't a particularly better or worse stage in life to come out, but in general, pick a time when your parents are in calmer, better moods. If it helps, I'll say that I came out to my parents during college. It probably didn't particularly matter, because I think they sort of knew from the get-go (plus, when I was younger, let's just say I wasn't as careful about my browser history as I am now...) Also, it wasn't a huge event because I don't really care too much about who knows or not or how soon they find out. I just thought it was something they'd like to know. If you go ahead and get it out of the way now, you have the support group much closer so you can get them ready without as much effort. The whole college decision part shouldn't be much of an issue as long as they're at least mildly supportive of you. If you choose to wait until college, you have the benefit of having been away for a while, letting them get used to you out of the nest, and giving you some time to be on your own and discover yourself a little. You can always call the people in your mom's support group while in college to prepare for a time when you're home, such as a break or if you decide to come back for a weekend. If you're worried about them being emotionally charged, you should certainly not do it the first time you come back. Wait a few times so they get used to you coming back. Definitely do it while you're home, as a phone call or text message while away might just seem cowardly, since you can't say it to their faces. Not to sway your decision too much, but waiting until college worked fine for me. If it's something you feel is urgent, do it now while you're still around and have less prep work. Otherwise, I would suggest waiting and giving everyone some time to mature and get used to changes anyway. I hope this helped, and wish you the best of luck in this situation. Let us know what you decide.
Not speaking from personal experience, but it sounds like you are leaning towards telling your mom now, rather than trying to find the "right" time later, when your visits would be short and might not be a good time to have an emotional discussion. Even if you are not coming out to anyone except your parents, and want to change your "identity" when you get to college rather than now to your high school classmates, it seems to me that you are better off getting this done now, so it will not be a distraction when you are starting college. This enables you to start anew at college with your authentic identity, and not have to deal with the "deception" of establishing yourself first as straight and then changing that to gay with your new friends, or having to deal with your parents from afar. My 2 cents.
I recently moved to college in a different country and also came out some time afterwards. I has worked pretty well for me. I think coming out right after leaving would have gice my parents the idea that I just wanted to get away from them :S From the beggining I was open with my sexuality at my new uni and that gave me the sense of seccurity that I needed to come out to my parents. I don´t know if this applies to you, since it seems you have already decided that you are ready to tell them and just trying to figure out the best way to do it. To play devils addvocate I would say that beign away from home may give your family some space that may be helpful for them to make up their minds. So if you think that you can also help them to adapt (by talking to tem on the phone or to the people that you think will support them) without necessary being there that may be an option. You can wait for a bit to give yourself time to adapt to your new "out status" before telling them too. Anyway you seem to be putting a lot of thought into it so I am quite sure you will do well. Just keep being like that and if something goes wrong try not to let any emotions to impar your judgement!
I would recommend doing it before you left (if your comfortable with that, but it sounds like you are). I decided not to tell my parents before I left for university, and its been 3 years and my dad still doesn't know. :/ It gets really easy to not tell them when you only see them a few times a year. *off Topic* 1000 posts ! Crazy.
Thank you guys for your advice, it's exactly what I needed to hear. It's true that I'm considering the consequences of coming out now to my mother a little more heavily than those during college. I plan on being open about my identity in college, to "start anew" so to speak. I don't want to have to reveal any sort of "secret life" to my parents as a college student, and I don't want to have to act "open" with the strong disclaimer that it be secret from my parents. I understand that in college, most people won't care, but I do realize that in today's environment, a single "casual" public post on a Facebook wall could do the same harm at home. I realize that in college, she'll already be adjusting to my new identity, and that a revelation would only increase her anxiety. In high school, I could try and help lead her away from misunderstanding me and could prevent her from going so far in a process of grief (her son going to college) only to be forced into doing it all over again (her separated son being a gay student in college). My dad is less open to the thought of homosexuality and is more emotionally sensitive than my mother, and has made several remarks against gay people, although he has surprised me in the past with his tolerance. I don't know how to proceed here yet, so I may wait until college.
