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Well, I came out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Thorrible, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. Thorrible

    Thorrible Guest

    I told my mom yesterday about my gender doubts. I told her I was wondering if I wasn't meant to be a guy. I have been seriously doubting my gender for the past couple of weeks. And with that I mean that I think about it every single day, but I have many doubts. My mom aparently does too. She told me she doesnt think so. Her arguments were:
    - If that was true you should have felt different much earlier in your life.

    That's true, and I have, as a small kid. I never did anything with it, but I have always, and even in my teen years, been one of the guys.

    - I only discovered I liked girls two years ago.

    Bullshit. She even knew I would be bisexual all my life. I found out when I was around 10 years old, when a new girl joined our class. I had never felt those butterflies before, but I never did anything with it.

    - I still find guys attractive.

    What does that have to do with it!?

    - I'm trying to find my place in my relationship, which (to her sadness) is the guy role. It isn't strange I'm wondering.

    I don't know, but I feel like a guy in more ways than just with my girlfriend. I know she wants to see me pampered and taken care of, but come on...

    - My mind is too feminine.

    F*** you

    I know I'm still doubting, but I just had to tell my mom and find out what she would think about it. Well, I got my answer. When I came out she was quite relaxed. Today she acts ice cold and barely speaks with me. Well, good to know she supported my trans friend a year ago, but not me. Does anyone have anything for me?
     
    #1 Thorrible, Jan 27, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2014
  2. Hartofgold

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    Sorry to hear it didnt go well. Often, when someone comes out they are faced with the same reaction, and the only thing you can do is be patient and wait for that person to come around. But that doesnt change the fact that their actions hurt like a b****.
    hang in there and keep your head up!
     
  3. BookDragon

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    " If that was true you should have felt different much earlier in your life."

    Actually that ISN'T the case, but since you felt things anyway it really doesn't matter.


    The usual response to this is she's in shock. It's easy to support someone you have no real connection with, because ultimately if something bad happens to your trans friend all she has to do is tell you how sad it all is and leave it alone. If something happened because you were trans - and that could be anything from something bad happening to you, to a friend calling her a bad mother (who else would have a freak trans child?!) - then suddenly she has to deal with a whole lot more.

    Try and talk to her normally, and give her some time to process things, heck, give yourself time to process things. If you feel things are getting too bad, ask her what is wrong. Try and get her to express her own feelings, even if those feelings really suck. At the moment she is telling you you're wrong because it doesn't take a genius to figure out that being trans isn't easy, and she doesn't want you to go through all that if it's not true. It just comes out as "You're wrong!"

    I cannot express how amazed I am that you told her though. I couldn't have forced myself to tell my mum before I was absolutely sure about things. I hope you figure things out and she comes round soon!
     
  4. Thorrible

    Thorrible Guest

    The talking part is also kind of a problem. A while ago my mom and I were having major fights. Apparently my wording wasn't very good. I never meant bad, but it came out as such. Luckily I have that more under control now. But whenever I give her my opinion in her eyes I snap at her and she gets angry. (even so a few days ago). Yesterday she was happy to have a discussion, she said, which consisted of her talking to me, and me saying 'okay' or nothing at all.

    Concerning me telling my mom: My mom and I have/used to have a good bond due to my past. I also could easily tell her I was gay/bisexual. She didn't mind the slightest. (I live in the Netherlands though, don't be mistaking). But when she had asked me before about my gender, I didn't think of anything, but she told me she wouldn't agree. So it took me a while to tell her... and a lot of courage. It's just my mom and me. Of course I have a girlfriend, but at home it's mom + me. We have to stay in contact, and I felt kind of obliged to tell her. My mom is an open person, but like you said before, I think she is in shock. That all piles up with her feeling of loneliness lately, due to me leaving the house more and more. She still sees me as her little daughter. (Also a major aspect of telling her yesterday was her being happy with me and in a good mood.)
     
  5. Thorrible

    Thorrible Guest

    Update:
    My mom has been away all day. She barely spoke to me this morning and she didn't say a thing during dinner. The only full sentence I got growled was that she would clean up the kitchen. I feel terrible.
     
  6. Hartofgold

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    You shouldnt feel terrible, seeing how you did nothing wrong.
     
  7. Thorrible

    Thorrible Guest

    Well apparently I did, since my mom hasn't talked to me in two days. And when she does her answers are short or passive aggressive... I'm not an alien, but I suppose it's what I became in her eyes.
     
  8. katwat

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    Sometimes one person's tension leads to the other person's tension leads to more tension. You might try to reset things. Just a simple statement of "I'm sorry if my being honest and sharing hurt you in some way. I don't want to fight with you or have you upset." Then just be cheerful around her. Her bad mood is hers to deal with. If she is not going to be at least pleasant with you then you do not have to be around her. If she is actively nasty just say something like "I really don't want to fight and it seems you do" and leave the room.

    Hope things get better soon.