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Pushing it under the rug

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Destiel, Jan 28, 2014.

  1. Destiel

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    Okay, I came out to two of my friends recently. One of them was so cool with it and I feel comfortable about it and we discuss my sexuality on occasions and its totally normal and not over bearing. And then there is the other friend.

    At the time she was totally cool with it and nice about it and now, its gotten bad. She's rude constantly and always being over obsessed with herself and rarely shows interest in me and my problems anymore and doesn't even acknowledge I'm pansexual. She seems to be acting like I never said anything - not in the way that 'it doesn't change how I see you' way or 'you're still the same person' way - its plain ass ignorance of me being me. When I attempt to express my problems dealing with my sexuality she gets, well - rude, and brushes it off and pretends I'm straight. I feel like I constantly have to show I do have an interest in men still to be around her with how she acts and I hate having to do that, to exploit my sexuality and pretend the rest of my sexuality doesn't matter. I hate having her push it under the rug. I hate having to pretend I don't also have feelings for girls, and trans*, and any other sexuality or gender identity. And trust me, I should have never told her and I wish I could just stop associating with her but I'm scared to just stop.

    I have this huge fear and concern that she'd out me. I'm not ready for that and I told her in confidence and I feel that she'd out me. I didn't feel like this at the time I told her but now I do and its horrifying. I can't be outed, if she does my family will find out because my younger sister goes to my high school now and she'd find out. I can't have my family finding out because they are so homophobic I know that I'll have to move out - my brother already got into a physical fight with me because I said I supported LGBT, leaving me with bruised arms and a blood nose. I'm scared and worried and feel super vulnerable and upset and mad.

    Please someone give me advice and help. I'm so lost and have no clue what to do. :help:
     
  2. Yossarian

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    If your father didn't beat the crap out of your brother for doing that to you, then I have no respect for him at all; I certainly would have. Boys don't beat up girls; period; sisters or girl friends. He is headed for serious trouble if he isn't straightened out.

    It sounds like, for now, you should probably keep quiet to keep safe. When you head off to college in another year and half, you will be free to establish a different identity, and able to share the truth with your homophobic family later, after college, when you are established financially and living on your own. It is their loss, and their fault that you cannot share your life more with them.

    If your friend tries to out you, you will just have to do the best you can to deal with it at that time. She risks having herself "labeled" if she does so, so she will probably not do it on a grand scale even if she does let it slip as gossip.
     
  3. IJustWantToLove

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    Hey Destiel,
    I'm sorry, this really sucks!

    I think best would be to talk to her calmly. This is probably going to be really hard, but I guess you are (or at least at one point have been) really good friends since you confided in her.

    Tell her about how her ignorance makes you feel not taken seriously and hurt.
    But try to understand her stance, too. You're coming out to her might have come really out of the blue for her and maybe she doesn't really know how to deal with it. Maybe she needs just time to get used to it. That doesn't neccessarily mean she doesn't accept you for who you are or something, just that she needs some time to adjust and come to terms with things, I don't know... Maybe you could try to keep off the topic of sexuality alltogether for a while giving her time?
    You could also ask her why she has a problem talking with you about your sexuality. Maybe she just doesn't know anything about it and needs you to clarify (Honestly, I didn't know anything about pansexuality until I came across the matter online and decided to read up on it and educate myself...).

    Most importantly I think that you should make her understand your situation in regards of coming out though. Make clear to her that coming out to people is a huge step and that it is something you need to do yourself and in a safe environment. Make sure she understands that your coming out to her means that you fully trust her and that you hope that you having confided in her doesn't change the fact that she is worth your trust.

    I really hope your friend comes to terms with your sexuality.
    Good luck