I've been thinking more and more about coming out lately. I really just want to be able to move on and not deal with this anymore. However, when I think about the idea of being out, I start to feel worried. I guess I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm kind of afraid that I'll start looking to date and realize that I don't want to date guys. I can't exactly come out and then turn around and say that I was wrong and change my mind. I'm 24 and for the most part, I don't really have much of an attraction for guys my age. I have had feelings for maybe a handful of guys my age, but mostly I feel physically attracted to older guys. By older guys, I mean like 40+. But at the same time, my attraction for older guys seems almost purely physical. There's only been one older guy I've ever felt like I actually had an emotional attraction to and a desire to be with. I actually have really strong feelings for him currently, but he has a partner, and there's no potential for anything to develop there. The more seriously I think about coming out, the more worried I become about being wrong and the less attraction I feel to guys. I don't know what to make of it. I actually came out to my mom a few months ago and was immediately filled with regret. I felt like I had just made a huge mistake. And I started noticing girls more and guys less. Maybe that was just part of me panicking and grasping at straws as a last ditch effort. I've spent my whole life hiding and misleading people, and maybe it was just a shock to me to change that. Or maybe I realized that I find more girls my age attractive than guys my age. I've never really fantasized about girls. But, when I go out, or see people my age, I feel like I have more interest in girls than guys. It's not like I'm drooling over either group, though. I don't know. The more I think about it, the less attraction I feel for anyone. I've been trying to move forward, and I even went on a date with a guy the other week. The whole time, I couldn't decide if I was attracted to him. Obviously, the fact that I was thinking about it so much was not helping. At the end of the date, he invited me to his place, but I declined. I really wasn't sure if I would be able to perform if I did go back. I don't know. I'm clearly over-thinking everything. I bounce all over the place with my thoughts too. Sometimes I think I'm just being ridiculous and I want to just move on. Other times I genuinely worry that I don't have an attraction for guys my age, and coming out is just going to be a mistake. I also feel like I'm too old to be this confused. I'm not even sure if I have a question. Are these kinds of thought processes/ these concerns normal? Should I have felt relieved and happy upon coming out to my mom? I'm just really sick of feeling so confused. I don't know what to do. But I don't want to keep ignoring it and not making progress.
I am sorry you are feeling so confused and upset. Wish I had words of wisdom for you. I will leave those for people who might have experienced what you are going through. In the meantime I will just say I hope you figure it all out soon and life gets easier for you.
I accepted that I was definitely gay when I was nearly 24 and in this forum you will find many people that did it way later, so don't feel bad about that there is not such a thing as "too old" I guess it is different for everyone, we all feel attracted to different types or kinds of people. In my experience, once you accept yourself and start getting know more people you "horizons expand". It may be just a matter of time that you find someone you are both physically and emotionally attracted to. If you find a guy that is attractive to you in both senses? Or do you think you could ever be attracted to a woman in both senses?. I think you just need to be as sincere as possible with yourself and you will eventually clear your mind. I may be totally wrong, just trying to help here. I'm sure there is someone more experienced here that can help you to find out how to clear your mind (but do not let anyone tell you what you have to do!)
Is it possible you're aromantic? Maybe not completely but it sounds like you've liked so few people that you could just consider yourself that. (if you don't know, aromantic means you don't feel romantic attraction to any gender. It has nothing to do with physical attraction)
Well, try exploring what it is about older men you find attractive. Is it the old look they have or just a level of maturity?
To answer both of your questions, I have definitely had romantic feelings for people, and for people I have had a physical attraction for. These feelings have almost always been for guys, with a notable exception, the one girl I ever had exceptionally strong feelings for. If I'm honest with myself, I'm obviously gay. But, since I've rarely found someone that I am really into, I guess I'm worried that I won't find someone. Which is ridiculous, really, because it will be much easier to find someone if I am out. And it would be much better to be honest with myself and be out and single, than hiding and pretending to be straight and single. And at the moment, I have such a crush on this one guy, who I can't be with, that I don't care to think about anyone else (...and somehow I'm still trying to question my sexuality :eusa_doh: can't help but laugh at myself for that) Anyway, thanks for your responses. Just venting on here a little has made me feel a bit better.
Well when a crush is really big it is sometimes quite difficult to get over it, but in my experience you end up doing it so (as much as a cliche answer as this is it is nonetheless true). It seems we have picky guy here! As you said when you are out it is easier to find people you like (I am not saying its impossible otherwise but well...).Anyway don't let that force you into coming out unless you want to and feel ready. I was not out for a long time after I started accepting it and just knowing that coming out was my decision and that I could do it if I wanted, helped me even though I was not out yet (and to build the confidence I needed) Hugs mate!
You can be selectively out to individuals if they are receptive to you without having to be out to everybody, even though, as you say, it does limit your marketing of yourself to a wider audience, and might cause problems with them if they are out and you are not. I don't know how well your attraction to older men will work for you, but I can tell you that when you do, you are going to make a lot of older men very happy. :lol:
