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Coming out to my 11 year old brother

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tom not Tim, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. Tom not Tim

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    Hi, so I'm gay out and proud. My family knows so do my friends. At the time I came out, I thought I didn't have to really bother my 10 year old brother about it. He hasn't started thinking about girls yet. But I wanted to get your opinion on when you think is a good time to let my little brother know. Now or a few years later?
     
  2. Moogie

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    Hi! :slight_smile:

    I think it's fine for him to be acknowleged right now. It's easier to deal with these things for a children and he will have some time to get used to it. Your family already knows so that shouldn't be that much of a trouble. It's all up to you, but I think that if you wanted to tell him, there is nothing in your way. Not really having an experience with dealing with children, so my opinion is probably not that valuable.
     
  3. EleanorHunter

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    My best advice would be to mention whenever you want to, but don't pile it all into one big speech. Maybe just mention it casually one day, and say you're willing to answer his questions. He might not have any immediately, but could think of some over time. It just makes things a bit easier, for you and for him.

    I accidentally came out to my sister last year, when she was 12. I was a panicky wreck for a few days, despite the fact she showed little to no reaction. Once I officially came out to my parents and her, we'd talk about it every once in a while, but not everyday. It worked out well, and she's totally fine with who I am, she understands more too.
     
  4. katwat

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    My daughter is 12 and she has come out to us, my mom, and her best friend. She says she has known something was different for a few years but not quite sure until this year. Ten is not a wee little kid. Just be honest
     
  5. Andrew99

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    No I met my gay neighbor when I was 8 and I didn't care if he was gay or straight and now I've discovered im gay. Didn't see that one coming.
     
  6. StillAround

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    Hi Tom,

    I spend a lot of time with a 13-year-old boy, and have done so since he was 6. I'm old enough to be his grandfather, but I signed up as his Big Brother. I'm thinking back to when he was 10 or 11 and imagining that I'd just told him I was gay, trying to picture how he'd react.

    This is how I imagine the conversation going... We're in the car on our way to see the latest animated film. I turn to him...

    ME: You know, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while, now.

    HIM: Yeah? What's that?

    ME: Well, I've been hesitating because I wasn't sure how you'd react.

    HIM: (worried expression) Are you gonna say you don't want to hang out with me anymore.

    ME: No, little man! Why would you even think that?

    HIM: (shrug) I dunno.

    ME: No, I just wanted to tell you that I'm gay, and I hope you're OK with that...

    HIM: (looks serious for a moment) No, that's cool.

    HIM: (pauses for a few more seconds) Can we go get ice cream after the movie?

    If your brother was raised in a tolerant, loving family, I'd expect it to go just this way. Acceptance is so much higher among the young today! And telling him when he's 10 means he's not dealing with the hormonal angst of a teenager--even easier.

    As someone else suggested, just don't make a big deal of it. He will have more questions later, but they'll come naturally. I mean, he's your brother!

    Good luck!
     
  7. Yossarian

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    It might be better to let your parents explain this to him at what they feel is the right time, if they are willing to do so, since you are far away. They can do so in the simple terms he can deal with at the time, then when you see him, you can answer any questions he has and talk with him, if he wants to, in more depth.
     
  8. StillAround

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    So, Yossarian brings up a good point about distance. When I responded to you above, I was thinking about a face-to-face conversation. I would not do this by phone, e-mail, or text. There's this bond between brothers, this debt that you'll think you owe one another your entire lives, even though all you ever need to do is be honest and open with each other.

    So if you live far away, find a way to go home for a few days. Start talking early on, and give your little bro time to digest your story and ask you questions face to face.

    But I can't imagine leaving this reveal to your parents. I would, even at 10, feel betrayed that you didn't look me in the face and tell me yourself. I mean, we're brothers, for Christsake, aren't we? Aren't we supposed to share stuff like this?
     
  9. ComingClean

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    Well, that's completely up to you. Your brother probably won't care whether you're gay. Your family and friends sound quite accepting, at least you've given me no reason to think any different.
    I agree with what Katwat said. He's not a little kid. He's old enough to know about these things. Slip it into a conversation but be careful not to bombard him with too much information. He might need a few days to process it and he might have a few questions later.
    Good luck!
     
  10. Tom not Tim

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    Hi, thank you for all your responses. They got me to do some thinking, sorry I replied so late. Hmmm, I think I will tell him myself, I may perhaps let my parents know beforehand. Thanks again for all your advice Xx