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We think our son is gay.Now what???

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by genetravisb, Mar 23, 2007.

  1. genetravisb

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    HELLO,
    My wife and I are pretty sure our son is gay. Hes always been a bit on the girly side and in the past we have found that some gay porn sites had been visited. At first we thought he was just courious. But he recently has been visiting them and we,re pretty sure he knows we can find out the sites he's been to. Today he called my wife and asked her to bring an item he needed for drama. She found the item next to a book titled 'Boy meets Boy'. Our guess is he's tring to leave clues. We,ve always been a pretty open family and no subject is taboo. I now we have discussed gays in the past so I would think he understands that we accept gay people. We also have gay friends and family, but we also have no problem making a gay joke, to us its just goofing around but I guess now he may see it as our true feelings. We want him to know that if he is gay we still love him the same as if he was straight. My wife is a bit uneasy about it but nothing she can't get past. I'm fine with it because I think I'v known since he was six and wanted to go shopping after he got his pink power ranger cake for his birthday.
    We could use some advice on what to do next. Should we just bring it up to him or wait and let him bring it up? We know alot of gay people suffer a huge amount of inner turmoil when it comes to comming out and we don't want him have to go through that.
     
  2. genetravisb

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    Oh yeah, he's 14yrs old
     
  3. Paul_UK

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    It will be interesting to get the opinions of some of our members who are around the age of your son, as to what they would want their parents to do or not to do in this situation.

    My suggestion would be not to ask him directly, but to continue to show that you are fine with gay people etc. If there is something on TV for example and he's around, make some sort of positive comment, but only if it is genuine (he'll spot if it is contrived).

    Try to stop making any jokes about gay people, because they can appear to be negative reactions which could put him off.

    I don't know which of you he is closest to (it sounds like it could be you in this case) but also mention that if he ever needs to talk about anything, you are there for him no matter what. A good time for this may be if he seems to be feeling down.

    Maybe he'll make things a bit more obvious, by leaving a book or something downstairs, and you can say "I put your 'Boy Meets Boy' book back in your room when I was tidying the lounge" or whatever. Then he knows you've seen it.

    The great thing is that you both know already, so it shouldn't come as much of a shock if/when it becomes "official". You might want to take a look at the "Parental stages of grief" thread in this section though, more for your wife than you.

    I know that's all a bit vague, but I don't really have any relevant experience to draw upon. There are a few other parents of gay sons and daughters here though, so I'm sure you'll get some good advise soon.

    Thank you, on your son's behalf, for doing what you are to try to help make this as easy and painless as possible for him. I wish more of our members had parents like you!
     
  4. OneBeKnown

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    I think you've answered you're own question. :slight_smile: If you're looking for a second opinion I think Paul pretty much covered it.

    Good luck with his coming out, not all parents make it a positive one. :grin:
     
  5. GuitarGirl1350

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    Hello there Gen,

    If he hasn't come out to you yet, he's being stopped. Possibly it's fear, possibly he just isn't sure himself. I would advise you to stop making gay jokes because even when you KNOW your parents are fine with gays, the mindset is one of "It's different if it's your child." Hearing those derogatory remarks, even in a purely light hearted one, can be hurtful if he's grappling with his sexuality. I remember before I came out being afraid because my mother made the occasional gay joke. It's probably an irrational fear, but it's real to him. Don't confront him directly- it will make for a very stressful event and one he probably isn't ready for, seeing as he hasn't done it himself.
    I feel like I should congratulate you, because it definitely isn't easy being in his position. =] I think you'll make the best situation you know how. Congrats =]

    Good luck with your son. =]
    Jack
     
  6. xequar

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    For a bit of backstory, I am currently 25 and just now coming out. About three years ago (give or take), while I was on break from college, my parents pulled me aside one day at home and asked me straight out if I was gay. At the time, I hadn't even begun to seriously consider the idea, let alone be anywhere close to coming out. I knew that even if I said yes, they would love me all the same and not reject me, but I wasn't anywhere close to being sure for myself, so although it made some sense in my mind, I got scared and vehemently denied being gay.

    For some time after that, I really did sit and ponder the question, never really coming to an answer, so I just sort of ignored it with the hopes that it would go away. Here I am all this time later, finally having come to grips with myself and finally beginning to come out to the world.

    Was it right of my parents to ask as they did? I honestly don't know, so take all of this for what you think it's worth. At the time, it scared the hell out of me, and it possibly sent me running from myself for however long. But on the other hand, it also did force me to finally give consideration to what I really was and showed me that even if I was gay, they'd likely accept it. However, that conversation is going to make it all the harder to come out to them now, because since then, my mother has grown fond of the idea of grandchildren, and as an only child, if I don't do it, it ain't gettin' done.

    I wish you the best of luck, because I'm sure right now is just as hard for you as it is for your son (and believe me, I'm certain that it's no picnic for your son...).
     
  7. JayHew

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    I think there is an opening for you as presented when your wife obtained the object from his room and found the book, "Boy meets Boy". It may well have been a planned thing consciously or unconsciously, but seems it would be a bit of a beginning:

    "When Mom (or Mum depending) got the drama item from your room, she saw the "Boy meets Boy" book on your desk. Is it a good book?" and perhaps later "What do you think of it?" Then I guess it could go from there. It is not a direct confrontation and can open door for discussion from a tangent perspective and then lead to his personal view.

    That you are supportive is a wonderful thing. From the sounds of it you are both very loving and caring, which should make it a bit easier, but it all depends on how your son is perceiving it. Sometimes youthful thinking doesn't necessarily take in the obvious.

    Let us know how things go. And thanks for being such great parents.
     
  8. Proud1p4

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    Well firstly, congrats *party poppers* You're the most accepting parents ive seen in a while.

    As to your son, if you think he's hinting, hint back. A great way to say "hey we know and we love you, wanna go for ice cream?"
    is to get a resource such as maybe a booklet that affirms you know and are already taking steps to accepting him. Such as a PFLAG brochure or such and leave it lying around the house, half-hidden under a book for him to find. Another idea, which was used by a friend's parents in the past was leaving a pro-gay site running on the computer, intentionally (probably minimized in the corner, as if you tried to close it and it never worked) for him to find later.

    Now the above is only if you feel you son is able and strong enough in spirit to take this blow. Even if he may be hinting, no matter how accepting the parents are this is ALWAYS a huge change.

    Now if you feel he isn't ready, as Paul said, make off the side programs when anti-gay protests are on the news like "how immature, so what gays are people, they deserve better" and if you wanna get risky...."even if you were gay it wouldn't make a dime of a difference. " (tread carefully, which i know you will). Try not to put him on the spot by prolongued eye contact, a quick glance is enough to make your point.

    I think with parents like you, you don't have much worry. Your son is in good hands as i see it.

    EDIT: My parents outed me (forced me out of the closet, they were accepting but abrupt) and although that night it felt like the entire world had crashed down around me. The next day i was better. By the sounds of it you are many times more accepting and it wouldnt be as bad for your son. Don't worry too much because in the end...here i stand a year later, and in a better life than id ever imagined. Being outed was the best thing that ever happened to me.
     
    #8 Proud1p4, Mar 23, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2007
  9. Micah

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    Some of the guys here have given excellent advice, I'll just add something from a friend's coming out experience.

    One of my really good friends was raised in a very close family environment. He knew full well that his parents would accept him - the only difficulty he faces was coming out to himself. He said to me "it was weird coming out to my parents, not because I was afraid they wouldn't accept me, but because it was the first time I'd actually said the words "I'm gay" aloud."

    Also, there are a lot of cases when people want to come out, but aren't sure about their sexuality. The main mindset in these cases is "what if I'm not gay?" It's a lot harder to say "I'm actually not gay anymore" than it is to say "I'm gay". Your son might just be wanting to confirm his sexuality before "taking the leap" of coming out.

    I think others have brilliant ideas on how you should respond, but I just wanted to reassure you that there are more reasons for him not coming out than simply him not trusting your reaction. I'm sure when he's ready he'll confide in you.
     
  10. Asselstine

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    I am a 32 year old gay man. I have been out of the closet for almost seven years. I stick to a few things about coming out that I believe to be entirely true. "Forcing" someone to come out is psychologically crippling. If your son is unsure if he's gay or not and trying to find the answer for himself, I believe it best to let him come to terms with that. Yes, it seems as if he is dropping hints, but perhaps that is to quietly let you know without up and saying it. I have two friends that are a couple, both from Latin families, where homosexuality is highly frowned upon. Niether of them have told their parents that they are gay, nor that they are a couple. Although both sets of parents visit them at their house on a routine basis. Although this is an extreme case, it is easier for them to let the quiet assumption say "I'm gay" rather than saying it.

    Personally, I come from a conservative family and I was afraid of being the outcast gay kid. I was very fortunate as to the response I received from friends and family.

    For your son, I would imagine there is some confusion as to the "why" of his sexual preference and embarrassed, all the while wondering/fearing what the outcome will be when he affirms what you suspect. Feel free to e-mail me here if you want a more personal dialogue. I hope the best for you, your wife, and your son.

    Eric
     
  11. Jamie

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    genetravisb,
    Firstly i've got to echo everybody else here and congratulate you on being a fantastic parent. If only everybody was as lucky.

    I agree that the 'boy meets boy' book is likely to be some form of hint and from my distant view i'm guessing that either your son is in a little doubt as to whether or not he is gay, he may also be in a little doubt as to how you or your wife will react when he comes out or simply, he may just have problems saying the words.

    However, as for the advice and well you will know your son better than most here anyway, you'll know what his persona is generally like. But going against the flow here slightly, don't be too blunt but make it obvious. Open with asking about the book and then just reassure him that you would still love him no matter what. I think then, you won't actually be saying "are you gay?" but you'll most certainly be laying down the fact that he can tell you if he wants and that it's not a problem. That you won't love him any less and that he won't be a disappointment to you.

    Personally... the one main thing keeping me from coming out to my own parents is that i'll be regarded as a disappointment. Granted that would then lead to its own repucutions... but just make sure he knows you won't be disappointed and I hope all goes smoothly for you all!!
     
  12. Sam

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    well first of all thank you for being ok with this so many parents aren't I think your son has wonderful parents. While your son might be leaving clues I would say let him come to you and tell you. It might make him panic and answer untruefully if you all the sudden ask him if he is gay or else get mad at you when my mom asked me I paniced and said no and then it was harder for me to admit that I had lied and in fact she was right but who knows how he will react everyone is different some people actually are relieved that they don't have to actually say the words ''I'm gay'' to their parents and like it when they are asked and all they have to say is yes but the reason I decided to add to this thread is basically to say thank you for your support he'll come to you when he is ready I believe

    Sam
     
  13. secrets to be told

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    The fact that you are so open and caring about your son is a good sign. This is actually almost my exact story. I was in 7th or 8th grade, and completely unsure of my sexuallity. My parents tried to force it out of me with the question, "Do you like boys more than girls?" I said no, but mostly in panic, and because I was unsure. In the end, it made things alot worse. It made me defensive and made me not want to reveal myself to anyone.
    I think alot of it involves the social stigma with being gay. Depending on where you live, at least. But for me, I had to accept being gay myself before I would even consider telling other people. I still haven't told anyone in real life. Revealing that you're gay, to anyone, is difficult. Maybe it's just harder for me because I know I would lose friends if I told them. My dad would probably kick me out of the house too. So, don't rush things too much. Just continue to be supportive, and when the times right, he will tell you.
     
  14. beckyg

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    Hello! I'm the parent of a 23 year old gay man. My son came out at 19. You've got some really good advice here the only thing I would say is just keep an eye on your son. Make sure he's happy and not suffering any emotional problems. I feel I made a mistake with my son. He was very upset, anxious, and vomiting every morning before college. If I had told him what I suspected, it might have made things much easier for him. We weren't like you. We didn't have any gay friends except my lesbian cousin. We didn't talk about it. We went to a fundamentalist church. My son had alot to be fearful of. I would say as long as he's well-adjusted let him decide when to tell you. In the meantime, continue to talk about your gay friends and keep the subject open. Tell him you love him and nothing will ever change that.

    Becky
     
  15. TriBi

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    Well - I have nothing really new I can add to a lot of good points posted above.

    What I DO want to say is that we have had one or two people who are parents coming here lately because they want to better understand their kids problems with being (or probably being) gay and that is just fantastic to see. Also beckyg (who has posted above) has joined us and can give advice as someone who has had their child "come out" to them and has now become an advocate for gay people and a very active member of PFLAG.

    I see proud_2b_gay456 mentioned PFLAG above. Just in case you aren't aware of what that stands for, it is "Parents Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays". See this link: http://www.pflag.org/

    If you want any more personal info on who they are, what they do and how they might help - I'd think beckyg would be more than happy to help with that. :wink:

    To echo everyone else - fantastic to see parents being so proactive and supportive:thumbsup: - all power to you. :eusa_clap
     
  16. justjoshoh

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    I, prior to coming out to my parents, would consciously leave evidence (i.e. meeting agendas for a LGBT group that I am involved in, germaine newspaper or magazine articles, etc.) around in semi-conspicuous places in an attempt to stimulate discussion. He might be trying to do the same, as a starting point for the conversation.

    I must be honest though, for me, the jokes from family members about gays were and do play a factor on how I approach the subject. Even though I have opened up and talked to my nuclear family, I have not to the extended family and have grown farther apart from them. I feel somewhat estranged by them, considering the perception they have shown through jokes, comments, etc.
     
  17. genetravisb

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    THANK -YOU FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE. Keep it comming. We had a much longer reply but it didnt post and now we have to leave. We'll write later but we just wanted to say THANK-YOU, for now.
    Gene, Candy
     
  18. Cloud Nine 5

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    There's really nothing I can add. The fact you're even here assures it'll be fine, no matter what advice you choose to take from here :slight_smile: My parents are probably more likely to visit an Ex-Gay forum.
     
  19. GuitarGirl1350

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    Just for another note- saying these things is wonderful, and it will make him feel better, but he won't come out until he's ready. My mother tried to coax me out for almost a year but I always denied it. I just wasn't ready to tell her. So, if he denies anything, don't assume it's the end of everything. He might just deal with it later down the line.

    =]
     
  20. Rain33

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    Yeah... I think he may be leaving clues. Or he may not really care anymore if you know. Or maybe he could be leaving them there on accident. You never know he may not be gay. I mean he might be but you never know.