I'm 20 and I'm at the stage in my life where I want to come out really bad but I am hesitant to because if I mishandle the situation I could end up homeless, kicked out of college,potentially jobless, and with a huge risk of not having a solid support group. In order to explain my current dilemma I'm going to have to discuss my background. If you really don't want to read about my background you can skip to paragraph 7. :icon_bigg My dad is a Christian pastor. As most of you know Christianity is very anti-gay and my parent's views will not change. My brother is extremely homophobic (like he is always mentioning how he hates and wants to beat up gay people). My younger sister who is now in high school started out homophobic like my parents but has become very sympathetic and tolerant over the past few years and now has some close gay friends (that I'm sure my parents wouldn't approve of but they don't know). For most of my childhood and teen years I believed in the Bible and tried to be a "good Christian". I knew ever since the 7th grade that I was attracted to guys but I didn't dare tell anyone because I knew it would upset my parents. In addition I didn't tell anyone because deep down I was always hoping it was just a phase and that I would become straight later in life. I was deathly afraid that since I was gay I would end up going to hell so I stayed in the closet and tried to just change my mindset over my high school years. Because of my dad's job, I was very involved in the church's youth group and mission trips. Most of the people I became closest friends with were conservative Christians. While not outright hateful most of my guy friends were homophobic. It wasn't overtly apparent but they would sometimes slip into hateful rants. They feel gay people are disgusting and trying to shove an "agenda" down people's throats. My girl friends aren't as bothered by gay people but still are bothered by the lifestyle. After high school I ended up going to an extremely conservative Christian university. And at this point I know what you are all thinking: Why the hell did you do that!?! Well at the time my parents were really pressuring me to go to a Christian school and they weren't too keen on the idea of being financially supportive of non-Christian schools (they didn't explicitly say no, but it was obvious they didn't want it). And at the time I was applying for colleges at 17 I really didn't realize how trapped I would be if I did come to terms with being gay. During my senior year of high school I still was hoping that I would eventually "get over" being gay and that I would meet a girl in college I would marry and that I would stay a Christian and keep my friends and family and all would work out. Well, three years later I am now a junior in college, I have fully accepted that I am gay and I know that I won't change, I don't believe in God, and I hate my school with a passion. One day last year I just knew in my heart that I am going to be gay forever and that eventually I would have to tell the truth. Once I came to accepting that, I felt much more at peace. My detachment from religion just sort of happened. I was never 100% sure if the Bible was true or not but as I got older I just saw more and more signs that there was no real evidence for it. And as I studied the Bible more for a Theology class I really grew to detest the kind of person the God of the Bible was. Like seriously, what kind of a person would create human beings if he knew most were going to suffer in hell forever? Some of the commands he asked of his followers were downright barbaric. Why would anyone want to worship such a cruel being? I think the reason it took me so long to separate from Christianity was that I didn't want to admit to myself that my dad's job, all of the years I had spent serving the church, and that my choice of college was meaningless and all for nothing. But I had to admit it, otherwise I would just remain stuck in the same place forever. Once I stopped believing in God it made going to a christian college very unbearable. The religious rules, the conservative ideals, and the uptight and judgmental atmosphere just made me despise Christianity. Which brings me to the present and the current dilemma. I am in my second semester junior year of college. I would love to transfer but at this point I think that ship has sailed. Most schools don't let you transfer your senior year and if they do I would probably have to do an additional two years of schooling. And I really just have a little bit more than a year at the school I'm currently attending. But I often feel like I just can't take this school much longer. I feel like I am in a cage. Not just cause of the rules and the overall judgmental atmosphere, but because if I were to come out here, I would have no where to go and no one to turn to. At this school I don't think I have any true friends since I think most would be disgusted with me. There aren't any gay support groups at my school (there are groups at the school that are about repressing gay desires and trying to convert yourself into becoming straight but that is the LAST thing I need). I have two roommates and both are a bit homophobic. One of my roommates claims to be okay with gay rights, but I still don't feel like telling him as I don't trust him completely and because there is a very good chance he would tell my other roommate (who is very homophobic). As for my parents, I really don't know how they will respond. They will not change what they believe and think being gay is okay. I think my parent's would still "love" me, but their actions on how to respond to me being gay will likely be very misguided. When I come out I want to fully come out. I don't want to say "I'm gay, but I'll keep quiet about it and try my best to act like a straight person". I want to say "I'm gay, this is the way I am and always will be and I want the world to know." My parents will probably want to change me and try to find a way to keep me from ever getting in a relationship with a guy. Worst case scenario is they kick me out of the house. If that were to happen, I would really have no where to go. Second worse scenario they try to force me to go to some conversion therapy or get counseling. My brother is the wildcard in all of this. I can see him just acting very angry, I could see him trying to kill me, or I could see him trying to kill himself. And none of this is taking into consideration of how my coming out would affect my dad's job. He's the FREAKING PASTOR!!! Imagine the scandal it would cause in the church when the congregation finds out that the holy pastor has a gay son! Rumors and gossip would surely embarrass my family. And its very possible the elders of the church would ask/force my dad to resign as they would probably say something along the lines of "If you can't even lead your family to Christ, how can you lead a church!" If my dad were to lose his job I would definitely be kicked out of the house because I would be seen as the cause of all of the family's struggles. And my extended family members would not take me in. My aunts and uncles are even more homophobic than my immediate family and my grandparents would be appalled. There is a part of me that resents my parents for making me feel the need to hide myself, but I don't want my coming out to come across as a form of revenge and get my dad fired. Even though I think Christianity is a joke, it's very important to my family and I don't want to make the situation too hard on them. At times I do hate my family yet I still love them so no matter what I do coming out will be very difficult. But the thing that is holding me from coming out the most is that I may not have a way of supporting myself if I do. I have gotten to the point where I don't care if my family or friends are supportive or if they abandon me. Frankly if my friends don't accept me I don't want to be around them any more. Emotionally I am content knowing that I am gay and I've accepted it. But from a financial and stability perspective...I could be in some serious trouble if I come out and things spiral out of control. What should I do within the next year? Should I just come out and risk everything? Should I stay silent, finish college and then come out? One thing is for certain: I need to become more financially independent. But as it is now, I am only able to work during the summers as I am too busy during the school semesters. I have come out to a total of one friend so far. She was the one person I knew I could fully trust and would be supportive of me. But most of my friends are wildcards and I cannot be entirely sure that they would handle the info that I'm gay with care. If you have made it to this paragraph I seriously thank you for listening. I know this was an extremely long read but I just needed to let it all out.
Wow, that's a really tough situation, especially considering your dad's role as a pastor. I completely empathize with you hating your school, but given the complications with transferring credits, your parents will pay for it, and the fact that you're only a year away from finishing, I think I'd try to push through the difficulties and try to graduate as soon as possible. Do you think it would be possible to do something in-between staying completely closeted and coming out to the world? Do you have a really close friend or two you can trust at school that you can talk to about how you've been feeling and explain your situation? School might be a little bit easier to cope with if you know you have someone by your side that you can count on. After you graduate, hopefully you're able to get a job and move out on your own pretty quickly. Once that happens, it would be easier to tell everyone you want to know that you're gay and live your own life. I don't know; this is one of those rare times where I'm not sure I'm giving good advice. I know it's not healthy to hold in this kind of secret (I can't seem to force myself out of the closet even though I don't have the same kind of obstacles that you face) and it must be awful to spend all of your time in a place that goes against everything you believe. I'm not sure what the best approach to this is, but I hope you figure out something that allows you to be happy.
I shall attempt to help you, lost lamb *trying to crack a religion joke* While i do not agree with religion, especially the old testament! i think you will have to bottle it up for a year, either find a lgbt support group, or a friend Sorry about the circumstances you are in!!! :tears: In the mean time start researching atheist perspectives and rebuttal, for people you may face in the distant future that way when they act idiotic and condemn homosexuality you can backhand them with knowledge ^.^ Good luck! and sorry if this advice didn't help much
I read it and enjoyed having some details about the situation to better understand where you are coming from. As you describe your situation, it really does sound like you need to just hunker down and finish school where you are, then move on and do your coming out after you graduate. Because you have accepted yourself as gay, the only real concern you have is the uncomfortable setting you find yourself in. While there is no joy in being in that sort of situation, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, which you can see, which is your graduation at a known time ahead. People endure jobs they don't like for much longer times than that to support themselves; consider that your "job" right now is to finish college and thereby obtain the financial security you need to begin living life with your new identity at that time, when your parents and your previous circle of friends don't matter to your financial stability. Your sexuality is only ONE aspect of your life; don't make it the star issue for the time you have to remain in school. You have already come out to everyone here; you can rant here any time you want to if it helps you get by until you graduate. Meanwhile, figure out something else besides gay dating which you can do to keep you happy until graduation day. Sports, gym exercise, biking or hiking, etc; all help to relieve stress and fill in the hours when you don't need to study. Patience, grasshopper.
It seems like youve come a long way in accepting yourself, you should be proud of that I think youve gotten some good advice here. Where do you go to college - are you still in the same town as your parents? But yeah i agree - becoming financially independent makes a huge difference. Im at a point where im on my own and pretty well off, and it makes the idea of coming out to my parents SO much easier. And yeah as the others said, try and find an outlet in some form. I cant imagine how it must feel to be surrounded by religion. As for your friends and family, when you eventually do come out, it sounds cliched, but, well theres a whole world out there, screw them if they cant accept you - their the ones losing out not you Ulimately, It sounds selfish, but you have to think of yourself first - do what you think is best with regards to your studies, especially if youre in senior year. I mean, if you have to just grin and bear it until you finish college, well then yeah maybe thats best? I'm guessing you dont want to make things unnecessarily difficult, and youve got your whole life ahead of you. Hope i helped a little bit
I already came out to one close friend who is very supportive of gay and lesbian people, and her telling me everything was okay and that she still loves me made me feel a lot better. I have two friends back home who have mixed views on LGBT rights but have gay friends and will definitely keep it to themselves if I told them I was gay. The problem is finding a time when I'm alone with one of them. Very often I find myself meeting my friends in large groups of people and it's hard to separate from a group when that happens. And I don't want to schedule a sketchy meeting over the phone and say "Meet me at ____ I have to tell you something". I want my coming out to feel like a natural flow of the conversation. If I go home for spring break, I will probably tell my sister. She is the one member of the family who telling my secret probably wouldn't affect our relationship. I feel that if I tell her it would make living at home over the summer a bit easier. Thats what I've been thinking. I've made it so far in college it would be awful to throw everything away the last year. One concern is that I am a journalism major which is a very difficult field. I find it very fascinating which is why I chose the major, but in terms of financial security it's very important I get a good internship within the next year. In the meantime I should maybe try to see if I can find a part time job near campus. That way if I can't get a job immediately after college I can still have money to keep me afloat until the opportunity arises. I know it's just one aspect of my life, but relationships are an aspect of my life people won't shut up about. People keep asking me "So when are you going to get a girlfriend?" or "She's cute, want me to hook you two up?" or (if it's my parents or grandparents) "Find anyone special lately?" It's really annoying. I don't know why people are so interested in my love life. It's probably because I never had a girlfriend and they are trying to help me out. And while I respect them for trying to help me, I wish I could tell them how they are making my life so much worse. The reason I never got a girlfriend (and never will try to) was because I knew I liked guys and I didn't want to use a girl as a cover up. It would be unfair to the girl and it would waste her time. I would love to just say "Um, I'm gay" but it's just not that simple. And you mention doing other activities other than dating to keep me happy. While I do want to date, that's really not the issue bugging me. It's the prevailing sense that I have very few true friends in the world and that I am often extremely lonely. I've slowly been pulling away from some of my high school and college friends because there are certain people I know I'm going to lose once I announce my sexuality. I'm trying to make the transition easier by not being too attached to any one person. I've been depressed the past several months and I find myself just not enjoying anything in life, even stuff I used to enjoy doing. I'm sure this will past but it's this feeling of....nothing about life that made me join this forum in the first place. Thats kinda the mindset I've taken. If a friend is upset and doesn't want to be my friend anymore I'm not going to cry about the loss. In a way, coming out will sort of be a good test to see who my real friends actually are. If they can't get past he gay thing, even though my (nonexistent) love life has nothing to do with our friendship, then they were never really my friend to begin with. Of course it's not easy to simply relocate, get an apartment, and become friends with tons of strangers instantly, but that's sort of what I see myself trying to do at some point in the future.
