I think my wife outed me yesterday

Hi,

You most likely are angry but is your wife just a handy outlet in the moment?

Tom

 

You need to make it clear to her that telling nobody means NOBODY! But you also need to remember that she likely was trying to help you, not hurt you, and people screw up when they are under stress, which she is also, and mostly not of her own initiation. Forgive her mistake; being angry isn't going to make the coming days any easier to deal with and ultimately hurts you as well. You could both end up in much worse condition if anger gets out of control and lawyers enter your situation. Talk this anger out with the therapist and get it out in the open why it is so important to you that you stay "in" to your children at the present time, even though you know that they will have to find out some day that their dad is gay. Likely the source is that you are still feeling shame for something you have no control over either, and need feel no shame over in any event, nor should they.

 

I wouldn't worry about your son finding out. If your son hasn't overheard you and your wife talking by now then he probably won't overhear your friends talking
Your friends don't sound like the type of people who would talk about your buisness anyway. They can relate to what you're going through and they know that your buisness is your buisness. That's why they didn't approach you and ask you whether you wanted to talk. They're giving you time and letting you know that their door is always open and they're there for you when your ready.

 

Loud and clear, Pete. I agree with your first reason. But once we set the wheels in motion, we're not fully in control, are we? It would be great if your wife could accede to your terms, but it may not be possible. She's in a bad place herself, whatever your history together, and she'll do what she has to do.

When I came out to my wife (God, was it just 2 weeks ago?), I had accepted, finally, who I am. Would I like to have full control over who knows and when they know it? Sure, but I do love her, whatever that means in my current existence, and I acknowledge (and even feel, at some level) her pain. So I told her that I'm willing to let her dictate some terms in this process of redefining our relationship. Do I want to separate right now? No. Do I want to rent a billboard and announce to the world? God, no. Partly because I have this work I do, with young people, in my personal efforts to heal the world, and I don't want to jeopardize it. But if she needs to talk about this with people we know as a couple, to try to make sense of this change I've thrust into her life, I'm OK with it.

I'll be OK. And so will you.

But, on to your second reason... What's holding you back in telling your sons? Is it because you haven't accepted your sexuality completely, because you're still unsure? If so, fair enough. I get that. But if you have come to terms with your sexuality, what then, is holding you back? Kids are so young, and they seem to adults to be so vulnerable (especially when they're your kids). But they're not. Did you raise your kids to be tolerant and accepting of differences? Do they tell homophobic jokes and mean them? No? Then I believe they can handle this. They know what 'gay' means. They may have openly gay friends (but what teen-aged kids are going to bring up that topic at the dinner table). They're in that adolescent stage of separating from their parents to find themselves, and they have private thoughts, friends, relationships you know nothing about. But I doubt strongly that they're naive about the world--kind of not possible in today's world.

I don't think it's about when you tell them, but about how you tell them, whether they can walk away from the conversation feeling loved and safe, feeling that you'll always still be there for them. What else matters for your kids?

And that's me, speaking from a position of absolutely no experience...

 

Pete, these are the same issues that are holding me back right now. I know I'm gay, always have been, always will be. I got married for the wrong reasons, but I do love my wife and kids. I've remained closeted for so long because I care about them.

It's an unhealthy part of how I've developed; putting others' feelings so far ahead of my own that I sacrifice my physical, mental and emotional health. The fact I can now recognize this withing myself is hopefully the start of correcting that part of my relationships.

FInancially speaking, separating would be a disaster at this point. We are still unloading debt accumulated over the years and exacerbated by our untimely relocation for family reasons in the midst of the real estate crash in 2006-07. Add to that there are several big-ticket items that need to be done to our house regardless of whether I stay closeted or if I come out and we separate and are forced to downsize selling the house.

Lastly, as you're seeing, once you come out part-way you no longer have any control how the news gets spread. I've taken a huge risk coming out to a few close friends. Only two of them ever have contact with my wife and both I am 100% confident in trusting them. One is a priest and he affirmed I'm protected by the seal of the confessional (he's also a family member :eek, the other is a friend from our old neighborhood. They have an openly gay son who lives in SF with his partner. I've also been in touch with him during my freefall last year.

 

Pete,

from your story i can gather that the best thing you have is a wife who is extremely supportive. I guess you need someone like that to be able to take the next steps in your life.

I am in a marriage where i am not comfortable to tell anyone who i really am. I sometimes fight with myself for not being 100% truthful to my wife. I really think she deserves better and is wasting her time with me. But this is most difficult thing a person has to do in their lives.

Good luck my friend...

GayDadStr8Marig - Your story is really resonating within me. I have joined this group to get some support as my struggle within is becoming a little unbearable and thoughts that run through my mind are really scarring me.

 

Pete - I am really sorry to hear that. Ii commend your courage to come out to your wife. One step at a time. I wish I could do the same in my case.