Miscellaneous thoughts on coming out

Just as a note: if it seems like there are no actual questions or statements herein, I'm not looking for specific advice or answers or anything here, just looking to work some thoughts out in a place that isn't my head.

So I have come out to my three close friends who live in my city (just moved nine months ago). It went well, and it's been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The next major step is to talk to my parents and my sister.

I'm very certain it will go fine. The worst that will happen is that I get a slightly off reaction based on surprise that will be corrected soon thereafter. This is not a problem. But I also work with my dad, thus see him daily and have to force small talk, and have been kind of withdrawn from my parents in general since I accepted myself that I'm gay, and so I'd like to tell them sooner rather than later to rectify that, since I genuinely do like them.

Despite how right it felt when I came out earlier this week, I'm still starting to feel nagging doubts about the process eating away ever slow slightly at the corners. This could be many things. I might be questioning my judgement, as I tend not to trust my decisions and, in general, much prefer to leave things open-ended. It could be a lag in my brain catching up with the reality of the situation. It might be that I'm now starting to consider the obvious next steps, and getting started with sex and dating seems a little daunting at any age, let alone 28. It could be a reaction to things changing so much, so quickly. It could be that I'm not much for sharing personal things, and this has been more personal sharing than I've done in probably the past year, condensed into 3 days. It could be simply that I just haven't slept enough in the last few days and my tiredness is starting to morph into doubt.

I'm still feeling tons better than before I came out, and I don't regret that decision. And, hell, I think of how nervous I was before the first time that I could barely form sentences, and the fact that it even feels like telling my parents in the next couple days is a viable option is something I could barely even imagine as of last Sunday. But it would be so much nicer to head into that on more sure footing. On the other hand, I'm really done with waiting and would love to go back with interacting with them like I'm an actual person again.

The friend I came out to tonight works in mental health, and she brought up that they often talk about the difference between change and transition in her field; change is the external stressor that we have to adapt to, and transition is the psychological adjustments we need to make to adjust to that change. In that sense, it makes perfect sense that we shouldn't expect everything to fall into place immediately. The change may happen instantaneously, but there is still that psychological inertia we have to wait for, no matter how impatient we may be to move forward. Things will sort themselves out as they're ready.

Anyway, I guess the short version is that decisions are hard and feel final and sometimes it would be nice if things seemed more black and white before having to make them.

Thanks for letting me wax philosophical. Now I must sleep.

 

I think by final, I mean less "permanently locked in" than "this is something that is happening." Although I'm kind of like that with most decisions, though, I tend to over-intellectualise things. I'm one of those guys that spends WAY more time at the movie rental place than is necessary.

But yeah, you're right. To flog the flight metaphor to death, just because one has booked the flight and the destination seems right, it doesn't necessarily ease the fear that, however unlikely, the plane's wings might fall off, and that the flight attendants won't stop coming by to say "ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO RENT THE HEADPHONES?" And then the flight is over and the airport is kind of busy and overwhelming but you forget all of it soon enough and get on with whatever at your destination.

Anyway, like I said, I wanted to hash out some thoughts and that was helpful. With a night's sleep my head is a little clearer. The unknown future is a little scary at the same time as being exciting, but you have to just roll with it.

And, okay, the order wasn't the most important thing there. Perhaps "sex; dating" was more the appropriate phrasing.

 

Yep, that's what I do! I hope that didn't come across rudely (which I realise it could have in hindsight), I just liked the parallels I could draw there. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. And all the best for you, I've read a few of your other posts and I hope all is going well.

Thanks man. I'm jealous you've just about wrapped that all up! I'm apparently super impatient, and part of me just wishes I could send out some sort of blanket message to everyone I know and might still talk to that says "Status update: turns out I'm gay. Please make a note of it." And just be done with it and move on.

I'm actually feeling a lot less uncertain now than I was on Friday night, I think the whole coming out three times was just a tad overwhelming at that point. I actually got invited out to a Flames game at the last minute Saturday night with a few people I know, and I thought it would feel a bit awkward being out to one of them and not to the rest of them (and I don't think I'm quite at the point to casually drop it in a group yet). But actually, it was the first time in ages I've been out for drinks with people when I haven't felt like I'm on autopilot. And I actually cooked food and cleaned my apartment this weekend. I know that a five-day vague-ambition streak isn't exactly something to write home about, but it's the best I've done since November. I'm well on my way to being a functional person again! Moral of the story is even if my brain is stupidly questioning my process, my gut appears to have no qualms whatsoever.

Also, the parents thing did not happen this weekend, after all. I kept trying to figure out a way to meet up with them that didn't sound too eager or contrived and apparently wasn't very creative, and it all started feeling like trying to plan a surprise party for a super suspicious person. I figure I will wait until there is a natural time that I'll meet up with them; I'm in a good enough mood now that I can handle a little bit of anxiety in the meantime.