The f*** you coming out... is that not wise?

Try saying something indirectly at first, as opposed to just yelling all of the sudden. I bet that now that you feel like this you should be able to make a calm debate, at least

 

Not wise at all, and won't get you any sympathy. A lot of us have families or friends who are like that and that sort of tone is just going to make you drift apart from each other rather than help you repair the wounds.

 

Try something like this. "Why do you think Joe Namath is a homosexual? He was an outstanding athlete, a much admired person, and stood up to constant physical hits from some of the best linemen in the football business trying to tackle him. Are you saying that only homosexuals have the strength of character to be constantly attacked by other people all their life and still go on to become successful athletic heroes? That the constant prejudice and attacks builds strength of character and a will to fight for themselves and their rights that straight men don't have the advantage of?"

That ought to raise some eyebrows.

 

I can certainly relate to your sentiments; I've come to term this solution "the nuclear option" for myself.

Any time I find myself considering "pushing the button" so-to-speak, I remind myself that it is a disservice to myself:

1. coming out should never be weaponized. I recall reading with horror the stories of people being forcibly out-ed publicly back in my teens and twenties. Coming out is a personal affirmation of embracing your true self, it is not a weapon to be used to hurt someone else or yourself.

2. be prepared for the reaction to coming out. If you come out emotionally and unprepared for the fallout, you can do yourself more harm. Been there before and still dealing with the fallout 23 years later....


As my best friend tells me when I get into the nuclear mode: stop, breathe, think. "Like a kidney stone, this too shall pass."

 

Listen, first of all please take it easy on yourself, it is not your responsibility to take up for all the gay people in the world. You do not have to be combative to live this life. Live it with grace and quiet dignity. It is ok to live your life without everyone in the world knowing who you love. Take things slowly and work your way up to being out and proud. It takes courage and that comes in time.

 

There have been so many times in my life where I've almost blurted out that I'm gay during a heated argument regarding gay rights, but I've held my tongue. From what I've heard, it's one of the worst ways to come out.

Although I'm sure I would get temporary satisfaction out of a dramatic "I'm gay you f***ing idiots!" speech to friends and family, I know in the long run it would cause much more damage than it's worth.

 

I totally relate to the no sleep thing, at the height of my post-self coming out/pre-friend coming out anxiety/depression phase, I was sleeping an average of 2 or 3 hours a night.

I only had one experience that was like this, where a friend of mine was talking about how he didn't understand why it was so necessary to have things like Pride events, and that we should all just keep out preferences to ourselves. In fairness, this is something I still would have argued with him in my more assured fake-straight days, but I certainly understand now how much more uncomfortable it is to do so when you are actually conscious of being closeted.

If you can come up with a cool, level-headed response, I say go for it, but like others have said, the pissed off response, while tempting, is probably not going to be super great for either you or the offending party. Don't beat yourself up over that, because you are probably (if you are anything like me) already beating yourself up needlessly over many other things. Take care of that first; start talking to more supportive people, get comfortable with the idea of being out, and hopefully some of that depression-induced insomnia will subside.

Then, when things are less awful, you might have the capacity to stand up. I know it's not necessarily easy to be that guy; I still kick myself occasionally for not being more vocal about others blatantly taunting at a guy who was gay that I went to high school with back in the day. Or even two days ago when some drunk guys at a hockey game were letting the faggot bomb drop. And I was rested then!

 

I agree completely with others here, so I guess I'll just blather on a bit and be redundant...

I think one should come out as a conscious action, not reaction; as self-accepting and self-affirming, not confrontational; as an act of love, accepting yourself, and valuing others as being close enough to want to share this part of you with them. It's not about getting even--it's about getting good with yourself.

As for the shame you say you feel for not standing up... I just started coming out of my closet 2 1/2 weeks ago, but long before that, I started defending others against verbal bullies, supporting marriage equality, lecturing kids in my classes about saying, "That's so gay!" Even though I was deep in the closet, I took it all on as an issue of civil rights, social justice, and equality. But that was me. I've always been an unabashed social liberal.

And this is you. You do what you can, within the limits of your own circumstances. But, in the situation you described, I think the mildest response would be to question why they wouldn't just say they think someone is gay. After all, calling someone a fa***t, is to me as bad as calling someone a ni***r. No need to be so cruel, do you think?

Last comment... If your friends throw terms like that around, it's time for some new friends.