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All girls' school. Goth. Myself.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Balint, Mar 23, 2007.

  1. Balint

    Regular Member

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    A little over a year ago, my family migrated from London to Australia. I'm rather unusual here- eccentric, even. I've retained my accent. I'm into literature and philosophy. Musical. Short, spikey hair. Etc.

    I go to an all girls' school in Melbourne. To put it this way, most are "not cool" with people being gay. Worry A.

    My friends are relatively mainstream and a little immature. I don't "fit in", as such, but I do have one fabulous friend. Generally, I don't think the group would fully understand my sexuality. (They would suspect I liked them, etc). Worry B.

    I'm spectacularly attracted to a so called "goth", who I believe to also be a lesbian. She seems very like-minded to me. In classes, our eyes always seem to seek each other out, certainly far more often than would be considered normal. Fabulous, in a way. But.....

    I'm "closeted". Worry C.

    I am familar with many labelled "goths" in the school, and am paticularly close friends with another one who knows that I am gay. Iv'e pretty much been invited to join the "goth" crowd, most of which are bisexual, making the only out ones in the whole school. The girl I like is in this group.

    (I put the word "goth" in quotation marks, as I don't believe in such stereotyping or labelling.)

    What am I to do? It seems that I would fit in perfectly with the "goth" crowd, but I cannot just break away from my friendship group, my best friend especially. Plus, I do not want to be labelled anything merely for my sexuality and friends.

    Is it a good idea for me to come out now? Shall I wait? It is very hard to judge what would be the best thing to do, and I am quite ridiculously attracted to this thought-to-be-fellow-lesbian. I can't bear the thought of letting it be and losing everything.

    Any advice? I apologise for the length of this. Thank you!
     
  2. Balint

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    This is probably better for the "support and advice" section, actually. Oops.
     
  3. Micah

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    Hey Balint!

    Worry A.

    Coming out at a school that isn't generally accepting of homosexuality can be difficult (especially when its a uni-sex school). I think you really need to weigh up whether coming out is beneficial for you, against the negative aspects. For example, the beneficial aspects might be:
    • Free to be yourself
    • Meet more lesbians (since you are out you are able to be more open to other girls who might be lesbians)

    While the negatives might include
    • Harassment
    • loosing some friends etc

    If you're doing VCE at the moment, the negatives might be too much to deal with on top of the stress from studying. The last thing you need during your VCE years is to feel rejected because of your sexuality. However, you're really the only one who could tell how people would react.

    Other options could include telling your best friend (or someone who you are fairly confident will take it well) and seeing how she takes it. This way, it will give you someone to confide in and help you through any emotional struggles you face.

    Worry B

    Try not to worry about telling everyone for now - instead, focus on one particular person. It makes the situation less daunting for you and easier to handle. If you're worried that your friends will think you like them 'in that way', the best thing to do is explain to them that this isnt the case.

    Try to do it gently, cause you never know how they would react. (one of my friends came out to his mates, and said "no offence guys, but I'm so much hotter than all of you and I'm so not interesting you guys sexually" - one of the guys took offence to this :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)

    But remember that communication is the key, if you are worried they'll think one thing, reassure them that this isnt the case. Afterall, if you dont tell them how will they know?

    But again - one of the best things I've found personally was that when coming out to a group of people, its best to have atleast one person who you know will take it well (someone who knows before hand - and insider if you will :wink:). This way, they can sway the group's reaction if things start to turn sour.

    So I'd highly recommend confiding in your best friend first (reassuring her that you dont have feelings for her if necessary), so she can help you through the rest of the process.

    Worry C.

    Firstly - there's no law that states you cant have "goth" friends as well as your current ones. Maybe you wont be able to hang out with both sets of friends at the same time, but theres nothing stopping you from hanging out with them on weekends. If you're worried that your current friends will think negatively of your new "goth" friends, then maybe make goth friends outside of school? While it might seem like living a double life to begin with, it gives you a chance to explore other friendship groups without the pressure from your current group.

    As for being labelled, I know its hard to do - but just don't worry about it. You are who you are. Friends (whether thats your goth friends or current friends) understand that - It takes time, but as you become proud of your sexuality (and your identity) you begin to worry less about what other people think of you.


    I said this in another thread, but a useful resource for you might be www.minus18.org, this is a Melbourne based under age dance party for those questioning their sexuality or identify as gay/bi/lesbian etc. It was a turning point in my sexuality and I got to meet a whole bunch of other people who i could relate to. The next event is on April 3rd if you're interested.

    I hope you find your place. Please keep us posted and let us know how things progress.

    Dave
     
  4. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    My advice, i think it would be wise to come out now rather than later. If you feel you could, then go for it because you have the following on your side;

    1- Friends who can relate. If the goth crowd is mostly bisexual than at least you have friends to fall back onto and such. Support is crucial.

    2- The "new-girl" advantage. This one is harder to explain so i'll use an analogy. You see when you go somewhere new, people don't yet have their opinions and god-forbid labels put on you yet. You have the element of suprise so to speak. It's like when you go into a hospital to get a needle. The longer you put it off, even though it has to happen eventually, the more anxious you get.

    3- If you're assumptions are correct, and this girl is in fact gay, and would mimic the feelings for you. Then you have a GF to hold you back and to be each others rocks. You'll have each other.



    Anyway, this advice may or may not seem reasonable, im not feeling well today, but i tried.
     
  5. Balint

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    Thanks for all the fantastic advice, everyone! It's really confirming what I had been thinking... I think I shall follow it.

    Although I have no problems at all with being friends with both my group and the "goth" group, I'm worried about how my friends would react. The general mindset seems to be that to hang around anyone else is some sort of terrible betrayal. I don't really care, but it would be a shame to lose friends over something so stupid.

    I will be starting VCE next year. It's also a possibility that I will move schools at the start of year 11 (I don't know yet, it's a scholarship) but I would like to be out by then.

    I shall update this later! Thanks again!
     
    #5 Balint, Mar 24, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2007
  6. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    Yes it would be, but if they leave it is their problem, their loss and their mindset(s) that cripple them. If you tell them, you have done your part to keep the relationship healthy and true, if they reject it/you because of some silly moral society has told them to keep...then you've done all you can.

    And if you've done all you can then feel know remorse when you find somebody new. For it is they who left you.

    PS: Don't feel betrayed hanging out with a new group of people, real friends understand your need to explore and grow. If you drift apart with time it is natural and normal.
     
  7. Balint

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    Yes...very right. It is all extremely silly, I know. These unspoken laws are followed so closely at my school, not following them may leave me with very few people. But, at least those people would be my real friends. Tough but true.

    I think I may be coming out to my best friend tomorrow- I shall keep you posted.