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Need advice peeps.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Garagas, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. Garagas

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Bournemouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Well, before you start reading it, I`m 16, new to EP. Also, sorry for my english since it`s not my first language, I`ve only been in England for around 3 years. And yes, it`ll be one of those cheesy threads.

    Basically, I came out to my mum last April. It defo didn`t go well. She cried, said that we need to go back to my country, because it`s England that made me gay... Then she literally begged me not to tell my dad, I mean like, really begged me. At that point I didn`t have a problem with not telling my dad. But things have changed.

    Since then, she still hadn`t accepted me. She always tells me to get a girlfriend, just like nothing happened in April. Also, she`s actually slowly going bald, and she always reminds me that it`s because I`m gay, which makes me well very guilty. Whenever, I put my skinny jeans on she always makes some stupid comment, or when my dad is around then she just gives me this dirty look.

    One day, she was like : "We need to have a conversation about how much of a fag you are ". Normally, when my friends call me a f*g I don`t have a problem with that, but I don`t want her to do that. Anyway, she told me to stop telling myself that I`m gay because it`s not true so she told me to change asap. I`m not a sensitive gay guy, but I don`t think I ever cried as much as I did then. Of course she apologized but after that she told me not to tell my dad.

    I have a few dilemas about what I should do next. Please answer all of my questions becuase it`s very important for me.

    1. Do I tell my dad? Yes, he does make homophobic comment etc. But, I think it`s my choice, I will get hate. Not her. Also, I think he`s that sort of a homophobic person, that`d still accept me.

    2. How do I deal with my mum? I mean, she clearly pretends like nothing happened..

    3. Also, if I actually decide to tell my dad, do I warn my mum first, or not? Because if I do warn her, she`ll do anything to convince me not to tell him, and I might listen to her... On the other hand, if I don`t tell her that I want to tell him, will that be unfair?

    4. Should I feel guilty that her hair is falling out because I`m gay?

    5. The last one. If I decide to tell him, how and where is the best place to ?

    Thanks guys, anything will do xx
     
  2. LovelyBunny

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I Know everyone in the world will disagree with me but I highly HIGHLY recommend you don't tell him, I suggest you wait till your 18 and in college or living on your own.

    Because:
    If your parents do not accept your homosexuality (homophobic), they will make your life very hard- consistently pressuring you to be something you are not or even rejecting you and hurting your self esteem also they may even move out of England for this reason- Don't forget you live with them and rely on them for many things...

    * Im not saying don't be yourself, your gay and your proud, just be cautious because you are affecting many people in your life at this age- especially if it stresses your mother out so much her hair is falling out. Give her time to get adjusted figure out what about homosexuality disturbs her so much -is it, morals, religion, hopes, control (Then look at it from her point of view and assure her that you are not doing anything wrong and you were born this way - give her some hardcore facts) Slowly get her to accept you for who you are. And when she finally comes to terms with this, then you and her can tell your father. But if she is unable to accept you please try to avoid causing her any more stress, you don't have to be straight but conform to the household rules- at least till your 18 and don't have to rely on them anymore.
     
  3. katwat

    Full Member

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    A few questions first that might help people give you advice.

    At 16 I believe you are pretty close to legal adult status in England (am I right in that is is 17?). If that is so do you have the ability to (in the near future) live as an independent should things go badly with your father. Are you near graduation, are you planning to attend college, etc. So if there were a worst case scenario would you be able to safely care for yourself?

    Is there any chance of your family actually moving back to your original country (say if you dad agrees with your mom that England made you gay) and if so how would you be treated in that country as a gay person.

    -------without answers to those questions I am going to give you some thoughts to consider instead of answers.

    1. Do you tell your dad? - Okay, how is your dad to speak to over other issues? Is he a calm, reasonable person. Would you feel physically safe with him if his reaction to your sexuality was a bad one?

    2. How to deal with your mum? - It is going to sound harsh but I say you do your best to ignore her on this. You have been honest with her and shared something important about yourself. As a parent she should love you unconditionally and should be pleased that you were trusting enough to share with her. The fact that she is acting so negatively is her failing, not yours. Have compassion for her in what she is missing within herself that she says and does things to make you feel badly. Do not take to heart the negativity of others, even when they are your parent.

    3. Do you warn your mum first. - My vote would be absolutely not. You say she'll do anything to convince you not to so you already know what would happen. Your relationship with your father and your own desire to tell or not to tell him should be your guidelines here. You sharing your personal truth with your father is not in any way unfair to her. Her reactions to you have been unfair.

    4. Should you feel guilty about her hair falling out? - There are many reasons someone's hair falls out. Yes, stress is one of them but a high school friend of my husband's had her hair begin to fall out and it turned out it was due to some kind of allergic reaction to something. There are other health and environmental reasons for health loss and also genetic ones. Even if everything else were eliminated and it turned out to indeed be stress related it still would not be your fault because she controls her reactions to your sexuality, not you. If she would accepting, loving and supportive of her child then she would have no stress to (possibly) cause hair loss. If she suggests this is your fault again you might look up alternative hair loss causes and hand her a list and suggest she sees her doctor.

    5. How/where to tell your dad? - Again, without knowing your relationship with your father in general this is a toughie. If you get along well then it is a matter of privacy and comfort level. I would definitely suggest getting him far away from your mother when you talk with him. Maybe a walk in a park or at home sometime when she is definitely going to be gone for a couple hours. There are so many people's coming out stories on here if you go looking you might get some ideas. Think of any other touchy subject you have ever had to bring up with your dad that you were unsure of the outcome on. If you had a bad grade or some item that you really, really, really wanted him to buy for you how did you approach those conversations. When is he most relaxed or most open to discussions? Do your best to control the outside distractions but also keep your personal safety in mind.

    Whatever you decide I wish you luck. I do hope you get the love and support from you father (when and if you decide to tell him) that you deserve. I do hope that your mother comes around as well.

    Hang in there and good luck.
     
  4. StillAround

    Full Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    Garagas,

    You're a brave young man. I don't want to offer advice on what I think are your most important questions. I'd rather leave that to the pros here. Hopefully, an EC advisor will spot this thread and post a comment.

    I would echo what other commenters here have said, however. Your personal security and independence are the keys.

    One comment about your mom's hair loss, though. First, it's very common for a woman's hair to become thinner as she ages, and it's a very individual thing. But stand back for a minute and think about your situation. Take the worst-case scenario: She's losing her hair because of stress. OK. She's under a lot of stress. But you didn't cause the stress. She's causing her own stress because she's having trouble accepting your reality. This does not fall on you; it's her stress to own. Because it is your reality. You didn't choose this to bring her stress; hell, you didn't choose this at all. She's entitled to her feelings and her opinions, but she's not entitled to guilt you because she holds them.

    I'm not suggesting you confront her on this, just that you try to let it roll off you. Things do get better. But it takes time and patience... You are strong; you can do this.

    My advice is free, and worth every penny you just paid for it.