So I know I'm gay- but I'm petrified to take the next step

you don't have to go to the clubs or the bars if you don't want to

but here's some advice

go out to one of these clubs or bars

find someone you like

and ask them out

i say go to the club because you don't want to risk asking out a straight dude

but you have to ask them out

or else you'll be lonely and bitter like me

 

I can sympathize...

I'm not much of a club-going person myself, but even before I recognized my orientation, I'd visited a gay club several times with my friends and was a lot more comfortable there. The atmosphere was a lot different and I was able to have a lot of fun. (Only club I've ever returned to).

If your friends know, take them with you. A support group takes off a lot of pressure

 

I would take a mild Yolo approach to this - you say you have trouble initiating? Then force yourself to, every time. Be that flirt or that talkative guy at the bar. Honestly, there are so many guys out there, get your practice in, and work your way to a boyfriend

Good luck!

 

"It's not that I can't take them, it's that I can't manage to take MYSELF"

I think I understand this. If your friends are supportive and you tell them you WANT to go out to clubs/bars but are hesitant to step into a new world, they may just give you the extra push you need. I'm not saying that they will necessarily pressure you or that if you are really not ready to listen to them, but sometimes an honest pep talk from a trusted friend can go a long way

I think simply stating out loud that you want to explore will help, even if you don't end up going to a club that night or even that week. If you say "I want to go to a gay club" then I think it brings the reality of that desire forward.

I am also an introvert, and am going through a similar process right now. I probably wouldn't go for the 'dive right in' approach, but get in the pool one step at a time. Get your friends to back you and help plan a night out. If you are having fun and comfortable, feel free to flirt, or just enjoy the music and the thrill of having taken that first step

 

Hope your ok jules Look on the bright side - it sounds like you have some awesome friends how old are you?

I know the feeling - I'm not out to anyone I'm close with, but its like looking over the edge of a cliff isn't it. Like, how do you go from being, as far as people know, completely 'straight' to Being able to enjoy yourself and not give a **** - i wonder the same thing.

I totally get what you said about going out of your comfort zone - i call it the straight-jacket maybe try something other than clubs? I mean it depends what you want - ive never been to one but i guess it would be similar to any club - good for hookups maybe, but hard to find anything beyond that.

 

Heh, dude, just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to go gay club hopping and all. I mean, I think the curiosity of us gay people eventually leads us to try out a gay bar or something to that effect, buuut, that's not the "gay life" ya know.

Like, me for example, I am NOT a huge big gathering person. I had to go to homecoming and it scared the FRICK outta me DX too many people, to much grinding, and too damn hot (I swear I got a tan in that place). All the people and all the noise and all the jostling, naaaah, not for me

Point me in the direction of a gay book store or a gay video game shop or something calm like that, then I'm DOWN.

Uh... I think I'm digressing... no, worse, I'm RAMBLING XD

Point I was trying to make, or MAY have actually made, was that being gay doesn't mean you have to go certain places and such. I know you're probably worried about meeting a guy, and so am I XD But, I have come to leave these things to fate/miraculous coincidences

 

I'm going through the same thing you are .

 

The 'gay life' is not a one size fits all thing, really. It's pretty much whatever you make of it.

If you want to, it can include going to gay bars and clubs. Or it can involve going to LGBT Meetups for things like a board game night or a Saturday nature hike or a BBQ/potluck (exactly what gets done depends on what groups are in your area). Or it can involve volunteering at the local LGBT center. Or whatever. Truly it's up to you.

In a similar vein, going to a gay bar/club really doesn't obligate you to anything. If you want to just go and dance then do so. If you just want to go and chat (or play darts if it's that kind of place), then do so. No one will put a gun to your head and drag you home for sex.

I would suggest going with your friends with no plan in mind beyond just doing stuff to have a good time. No feeling like you must meet someone or hookup or anything (unless you want to). And leave it at that. Or look into the alternatives to the bars mentioned above and see if there's something more to your taste.

Once you find a space you are comfortable in, it will help you have the comfort and self-confidence to start exploring things like dating whatever feels best for you.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

I feel your pain, man. I've been at least partially out for a bit more than a week now, which has been great, but I'm finally mentally moving into the steps forward and it's kind of freaking me out. I'm still getting used to the idea of making lengthly eye contact with a guy. But I think it just takes time. You've accepted yourself as being a gay man, but the rest of your mind and the behaviours and habits you've adopted to deal with the closet might still take some time to retrain. At least, this is what I'm telling myself.

You say going to the village, which suggests you are in a place that actually as something that can be called a village, which is pretty exciting. It means you might have some choice, like some pubs that aren't so loud and sweaty. And there is always online dating, which, while equally daunting in a different kind of way, is an option. I actually know a couple that have lived together for some time now that met on ******. I'm partially banking on a coffee shop that seems to have an oddly large population of gay men at certain times of the day (or maybe they are hipsters, I don't know how good I am at playing "hipster or homo" yet!).

---------- Post added 5th Feb 2014 at 10:12 PM ----------

Huh. Didn't realise the G-app was starred out. I learned something.

 

Jules's,

If it's any comfort, I think I'd have the same problem. I don't advise online dating until you're more experienced. It's a meat market out there.

I'd advise using Meetup, googling "LGBT activities" for your are? You'll probably find a lot: dinners, walks, hikes, runs, museum trips, PFLAG meetings. You can ease into your new life at your own pace.

And there may even be a laid-back (no pun intended) gay bar somewhere. Again, Google is your friend.

Good luck, and let us know how things go.

 

Hey Jules's I can relate with what you are going through. I only recently came out and I'm an introvert too and I hate clubs too and have felt so alone. I would say take your time there's no rush to try and do everything now just take baby steps with what your happy to do and maybe try searching online for LGBT groups near you and going to a bar with a friend or a group of friends when you feel comfortable trying it even though it can seem really scary.

 

I guess I'll chime in on everyone else's suggestions. If clubbing isn't your thing find some other way to find gay people. I don't really know where you are or what the options are but my guess is that there are a lot more options than you may be aware of. Where I'm at pretty much anything you can do "straight" you can do "gay" from rugby to church, cheerleading to bridge clubs. I used to lead a gay book group at a local bookstore, belong to a largely gay gym, have done activist work. My partner has been in a gay choir, a gay bowling league--just to give a notion of how there may be more out there than you thought, that gay bowling league was in Oklahoma twenty years ago. I don't know where you are at but the odds are fairly good it has at least as many options as Oklahoma twenty years ago. I guess I would also say with respect to "the bars" don't knock it until you've tried it. I never would have thought I would enjoy the bar scene--I didn't even start drinking until after university, had never enjoyed going to clubs--and the gay bar scene was such a revelation to me and in the end it was a really important part of my life for most of my twenties. It's where I met most of my long-term friends, including my partner of 16 years. You mention that you don't feel comfortable in the straight bars, I didn't either--you know what? I still don't--but the gay ones, for the most part, are just different. Take it slow though. It sort of sounds like you are expecting too much from your first trip. Go and enjoy the music and call that an accomplishment--it is! Go with friends and pretend in your mind that one of them wanted to go and you're just tagging along as a good friend. Where I live plenty of straight people go to the gay clubs--because they're more fun! It doesn't have to be a life transition to start with--just let it be an evening out. Try to relax and have fun.