I am thinking that I'm gay, but I don't know for sure. Right now I'm confused as to what my true sexuality is, and I want to figure it out soon. There is no one else who knows what I'm going through, and honestly I want to know one way or the other what my orientation is, instead of this period of not knowing. I have this guy friend that I'm close with and I can trust him with this secret. But, should I tell him now when I don't even know who I really like, or should I wait until I get more sure of my orientation? What if I tell him I think I might be gay, but then later I turn out straight? On the other hand, with me the only person who knows, it's easy to get wrapped up in your own thoughts and may need someone else to talk to. Thoughts?
"What if I tell him I think I might be gay, but then later I turn out straight?" Who cares? See this is half the problem. Being gay has such a negative view still in the world at large that everyone is bloody terrified of saying they might be only to find out later they aren't but still have that feeling that you thought you were for a while and that's a bad thing. It's NOT a bad thing. You wouldn't have the same reaction to anything else you weren't sure about. "I think I might like chinese food if I gave it a try." "I think I might enjoy skydiving." "You know what's been stuck in my head for no reason lately? Lion taming!" If you'd been thinking any of those recently would you be scared to tell your friend in case you were wrong? Having said that, if you don't want to come out to the guy yet, don't. But don't be ashamed of the fact that you're questioning.
You said this is someone you're really close to, who you can trust. That sounds to me like someone who would be willing to carefully listen to what you say and take a nuanced view of your experiences. i.e., if you tell him that you're questioning your sexuality - that you think you might be gay even though you're not really sure - then I don't see any problem. When you say you feel like it would help to have someone to talk to, so you aren't just getting "wrapped up in your own thoughts," I think that's a great point. Lots of people (myself included) came out as questioning before they knew their sexual orientation, and it can make a big difference. So I say: if you want to do it, go for it!
Do you think your friend will care if you do change your mind later? It might be annoying if he's unsupportive if you change your mind but as long as you don't mind getting over that hurdle, and you want to do it, it could be a great thing to tell them and have someone to talk to! In the mean time, talking to people here helps too. Time will tell in terms of realising your sexual orientation, in my experience, but having someone to talk to while your figuring it out is comforting and supportive
Hi there! If you feel you have reached a point where it would help to have somebody around you, who knows what you are going through, you can always come out as questioning. You don't have to attach a label, or define yourself in any way. Letting somebody know what you are going through, and having that extra support, can help in continuing to figure things out. Try to remind yourself that you can trust him, and that it seems like he would be a good person to say to: "I have been questioning my sexual orientation, and I'm not sure where my feelings are at the moment, but I just needed to let you know." But before you come out, ask yourself, and try to listen to your instincts, "Am I read to come out to [Name]?" If you feel pretty good afterward, it's a good bet that you are ready.
At the risk of "piling on late" I agree with everyone who has said it helps to have someone you trust to talk with about your feelings; even better if you have someone who is gay and someone who is straight to get two different kinds of feedback. You don't have to decide at any specific moment and have a permanent label tattooed onto you to talk to people, or to date both genders to find out which you respond to with greater feeling. The fact that you are "questioning" suggests that you need exploration, not declaration, and are eager to reach a resolution to the extent possible, so you don't make an actual difficult-to-reverse mistake, such as getting married to a woman if you are gay.
Listen to ElliaOtaku... Her avatar made me think she was very young, but she's not, either in age or wisdom. There's so much to unpack in her post! And it's all good. And listen to Mirko, too. He really speaks to the issue of being alone in what you're going through. It can be so helpful to have a trustworthy and open friend you can talk to, instead of constantly talking to yourself--it can feel pretty lonely in your head...
I can completely relate to you about getting wrapped up in your own thoughts. I went through a period of trying to find ways around my sexuality, if that makes any sense. You sound like me. A bit of an overthinker. And overthinking like that isn't healthy. It sounds like you can trust him so don't worry about telling him that you might be gay. Telling him that you might be gay doesn't mean that you're gay. It means that you might be gay, as obvious as that sounds.
I'd tell him you think you might be gay and call it a day. If hes the only one who knows, there isn't much of a problem.
Wow, really great advice everyone...I want to multiquote people, but it would take up too much space! I've decided to talk to my friend about this in the upcoming week. Stay tuned for the details.
Okay, so I talked to my friend the other day. It went alright...not great. But, the important thing is that he doesn't view me differently. He was the first friend I told about this, so it's nice to not be the only person who knows what's going on in my brain.
Congratulations for accepting that you are different, even if you are not exactly sure what the differences are, and sharing that with a friend who can help you talk and work your way through it. The first one is usually the hardest.
