Hi. First time poster. I just don't know what to do. I am gay, but I don't want to be. (I trust you all know what I mean by that. I have nothing against gay people, just know things would be much simpler without this cross to bear.) I have made some mental progress about it though. I'm a lot closer to coming out than I've ever been. But one major thing is holding me back more than anything else, and that's that my ultimate dream in life has always been to be a father and a typical family man. I want to have my own children so badly. Parting with this dream is almost too much for me to bear. I know that adoption is a great thing to do. And I would be open to hearing more about it (particularly from any who are gay and married with adopted children). But I just don't think it would ever be the same as having a son or daughter of your own. I would also be afraid that a child would be embarrassed to have two dads. This is almost enough to make me think that getting married to a woman, even if I had to force my sexual attraction most of the time, would be worth it to have the normal family life. Of course it would also allow me to avoid all the trouble of coming out. I know that once I had my kids I would be so happy to be a father. Do you all think I could be happy in a marriage to a woman? Alternatively, could I be happy raising children with a man? I know you don't know much about me, but can anyone speak from experience here? Thanks so much for any guidance.
I can understand your concerns. It is absolutely possible to have an awesome family with another man, but it's definitely more challenging. I too would have worries about a kid getting picked on for having two dads, but it seems like society has made a lot of progress in the last decade and hopefully that speeds up even more. It is certainly possible though. Please don't marry a woman just for the sake of having your dream family though. That's not fair to you who will never be completely happy, and even more unfair to your wife. You can't ask someone to spend her life with someone who isn't attracted to her.
DO NOT get married to a woman if you know you are gay! I completely understand the temptation to do so, but it will end badly. You will feel discontent in your relationship with your wife and won't be happy. Also you probably won't be able to hide your secret forever, so when your wife probably does find out you're gay she will feel betrayed somewhat. She would feel like you aren't giving her as much love as she needs because you aren't sexually attracted to her. And she will probably wish that she had married a straight man who would have been able to fully love her and would resent you for wasting years of her life. I know that sounds kinda harsh but I really don't want you to make a mistake that would cause you and another person years of heartache and regret.
Hey Tonsofanxiety, welcome to EC! As the above posters have said, do not make the mistake of marrying a woman if you know you are gay. Check us out in the Later in Life section, you will find therein a gang of us who married when it would have been better if we didn't. There are ways of being a father to your own biological child; the laws are more and more amenable to regulating the use of surrogacy to father such children.
Do not marry a woman if you know you are gay. Read through the LGBT Later in Life threads to see the problems which result from that mistake.
