Self-acceptance, step 2 (age gap)

Hello everyone.

Shortly: I've known I like men since I was 15. Took me ages to accept it. Had a shitty relationship with a man while still in the closet. Fell into a depression, managed to recover from it myself and came to terms with myself (now I know: physically I like men and women, emotionally I'm 90% into men). Met a wonderful man, started a relationship a few months ago and started coming out to my friends, who have been giving me endless support and affection.

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Now I have a second thing to come to terms with. I've already started the process, but I might use your advice. I am now 25 and my partner is 51. The age gap is very wide, I know. He's young at heart, and for instance much more up-to-date about music, films and technology than I am. In bed he has an incredible stamina and he has friends of all ages. When I am with him I don't feel the age difference at all. Of course there's a physical difference, he could be my dad. But mentally I feel as close to him as I've never been to anyone my age.
When we started dating and I was completely infatuated, I didn't consider the age factor for a second. I just followed my guts and felt good. The problem is that I tend to overthink and overanalyze things (I'm working on that), and I've had rough times thinking: "is that right? is the age gap too big?". I'm afraid of the day I will come out to my mum, telling her that my partner is one year younger than her. And sometimes I'm also scared of this: what if in 10 years I get bored and he's 61 and maybe doesn't feel like dating anymore?

So I tried to analyze the thing: what if I broke up with him and looked for someone else. First of all, I'm so in love with him that I don't want to look for anyone else. But if I did... you can't really control who you fall in love with. Again, it will be probably someone aged, hum, 47? Or maybe 52. Because: yes, I like older guys. I need maturity of mind, probably because people always tell me I'm much more mature than my peers. The younger person I've had a crush on was 35, and the thing never started because I thought he wasn't mature enough. Also, consider that I grew up with no dad, so my subconcious might actually feel the need of a strong and mature male figure.

I guess this is something else I should come to terms with: I fall in love with older men. Do you guys have any advice on how to manage this thing?

What I've understood is that sometimes I have to switch off my brain and follow my guts. When I first fell in love I had absolutely no doubts about it, because I was carried away by my feelings. Same when we're in bed: there I switch off my brain and I know that I want no-one else between the sheets.

 

Same here.

And I agree with you. There's nothing unhealthy about our relationship: we both treat each other like peers, it's not some kind of daddy/son thing. He listens to me and I listen to him. He's young at heart and I'm more mature than my peers, I guess it's a good match.

I admit that what scares me about it mostly comes from the outside...

 

Well, think that for the fun of it, *he* sometimes calls *me* "sir"

 

I fell in love with his positive energy and, yes, I was really struck by the fact that he is more up-to-date than me in many many respects. The amount of new music I've discovered since we started the relationship is huge, not to mention that he introduced me to what is now my favourite tv series. I love the fact that he is a hopeless romantic and that he still believes in love, despite the shit he's been through. His age is never a limit for him and he constantly strives to improve himself. He has great communication skills and has friend of all ages. He's respectful, gentle, honest, smart, tender, affectionate, fun, caring and a good conversationalist. Not to mention that he sings in a band and has an amazing voice.
Oh, and in bed he rocks my world, I've never had anything like that. When I look him into his eyes I see the world and I know that I want no-one else.

In 6 months none of the above has changed. Quite the opposite, actually: it's getting better and better and he has everything I look for in a partner.

My problem is that I have this horrible tendency to over-analyze things and see problems where there are none. Maybe it has to be considered that I'm in a delicate phase: I'm graduating next month and after that I will need to find a job and change all my life. Maybe the stress of it all is having consequences on my relationship.

Never a truer word. Thanks Choirboy, I will keep that in mind.

 

Thank you guys for an amazing support

 

This thing about oxytocin is scarily true. The same happened with my previous relationship: after 6/7 months, the enthusiasm went downhill and I noticed all the problems the guy had. And there were a lot.

The thing that struck me with my current bf is the age, of course. I've had rough moments thinking about it and I didn't want to discuss it with him, being afraid of hurting him. Eventually I did, and that's what made me feel better. He also worries that this gap might be a problem in the long run, but so far everything has been hunky dory and it wouldn't make sense to reject love for a number. We're kindred spirits and for what I see, our relationship is very balanced (unlike my previous). He really has everything I want in a partner and, most of all, he manages to cheer me up when I'm down (unlike his predecessor).

You're right I need to consider it, but true friends have nothing to say about it, the mantra is "If you're happy and you really love each other, then I'm happy". I've spent 10 years obsessing about what others think, and it's want prevented me from coming out for too long. I couldn't be happier of having come out, I wish I had done it earlier, to spare myself years of doubts, hiding things, and living a double life. Same for him, I guess. I love him, and I will always be attracted to guys aged 35-55. If other people don't like it, what can I do. Many don't like the fact that I'm not straight, what can I do. My granpa opposed to me studying German, because "it's an evil language". People will always have something to say...

And I'm more and more convinced that it's plain WRONG to live by others' standards, especially when you don't hurt anyone.

 

I reckon the idea of what love is is kinda limited in our society. Yes there might be problems, but it's not like relationships between age-peers know no problems. And a power imbalance can be found in every kind of relationship.

Since I met my boyfriend I feel "enriched", and he says the same.

 

I disagree with you, WooEE. I can't tell myself: stop liking older men! Stop loving the person you love! If this was possible, I tell you: I would order myself to love a girl my age with a rich family, big boobs, no issues, and possibly someone that my parents like.

But it doesn't work like this. My mum married a gentle and hard-working man who was about 6 months older than her, and who was loved by everybody. He died in a car accident at the age of 29. Life is not perfect, even when you think it is.

And what if this relationship lasts only 5 or 10 years, but makes me live 5 or 10 wonderful years? Why should I not even give it a try? As someone already pointed out: love is hard to find, you don't toss it away when you find it.

You're entitled to your opinion, and I really won't try to change your mind. But, if you allow yourself to say that your sister's relationship is wrong, then she has the right to say that you being gay is wrong. Think think think.