Is that even possible? I'm not sure. But I think I just realized that I once had a gay crush on my friend in middle school. We'll call her Jade. Jade and I were the best of friends in 8th grade. She was quick-witted and funny, and I just loved to be around her. She always thought she was ugly. But I knew that she was simply breathtaking, and I told her so, which made her laugh and give me hugs. Jade had a friend named Katrina. I hated Katrina, but at the time I didn't quite know why. She just bugged me. I couldn't stand to be around her. And now as I look back, I see why. Katrina was closer to Jade than I was. She was better friends in some ways. Most of the time, however, she was close. As in proximity. Close. She was always nearby Jade, holding onto her arm and laughing at her jokes. And Jade laughed at Katrina's jokes. They were the greatest friends. And I was left on the sidelines. And just now I remembered sitting across the table from the two of them during a break, and I felt very out-of-place, almost like a third wheel. And I looked up at Jade and Katrina, and I saw that Katrina was looking at Jade in a special way. It was a way that was...more than just friends. It wasn't simple--it was complex. And she had a smile on her face that simply took my breath away...and I found myself wondering why she looked at Jade that way. And now as I look back, I realize something: Katrina loved Jade. She had Jade. I had a crush on Jade. I didn't have Jade. I was jealous. Is that even possible? To have a crush and not know it? It's true that that was before I knew that I was gay, but...shouldn't I have realized it? I thought that it was odd that I just realized I had a crush. I still have a picture of Jade that sits in a frame on my desk. She and I don't talk much anymore, because we went to separate high schools. But I still look at her picture. And Jade is beautiful. Has that ever happened to you guys? Where you have had a crush and not realized it? And I'm having trouble with this now. Am I always going to be jealous like that? I don't want to be a jealous person. Because it's happened again...actually, many times, mostly with straight crushes. *sigh* I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I need a hug from Jade :icon_sad:.
Hi! It can and does happen to all of us. Sometimes it takes a while for us to realize that we have or had a crush on someone or realize that a person really means something to us and we would like to be close to them or with them. You were best friends you got to know her and you liked her. Maybe you didn't realize it earlier precisely because you did not accept your own sexual identity much later. Sometimes when we are not aware of our own feelings at first we do not pay that much attention to these things and they will only become much clearer once we are at peace with our own inner feelings and sexual identity. Is it something to worry about? No. Crushes will come and go where you will be jealous of others. It is a normal part of life. But somewhere down the road you will find someone with whom you are going to be together. I'm sure you're going to look back one day and smile and probably say: "yep, those were the days." If it is bothering you too much or if you find yourself thinking too much about her, maybe place the picture somewhere else where you don't see it that often. If you do still have contact with her, keep the friendship of course. Just try telling yourself that well it didn't work out with Jade, but something better might be happing down the road. Hopefully this helps a bit!
I had somewhat the same experience. My Jehovah witness friend from school had this boyfriend. He was so hot. He had verbal diarrhea, but he was so hot. And he was our classmate. I *think* I hated him for one reason, and the reason was because he is not gay (or at least he is not out) and he wouldn't look at me. Now, I come to terms that I had a crush on him (and he had a big penis Do not ask me how I know. Yay for entering the classroom while he was changing his uniform! D
It is weird, but I absolutely had crushes that I had no idea about before I realized I was gay. My current nine month long crush started two months before I realized it. And I totally feel your pain as far as the unrequited part goes... my crush is engaged (enough said) I just keep reminding myself that it can never happen and will never happen and I have learned to be ok with that. I know I need to move on, but I'm not doing too well in that area quite yet. Keep it in perspective, don't let it ruin your life. I let myself have the fantasy and I do think of her all the time, but I also have to remember that it is just a fantasy and if it stays that way then there really isn't harm in it. Sorry for rambling, stay strong honey. PM me if you need to talk.
Oh god, I think every gay person goes through that at least once or twice. Personally, I HATED my best friend's ex-boyfriend. Even from the first second I met him, I could tell that he was wrong for her, and that he would hurt her. Both true, but I was completely unwilling to allow myself to recognize the jealous, hurt feeling that underscored my general dislike of him. He was *with* her, loved her and had her in a way I could not. Then there was the fact that he kept trying to tell her that I was a lesbian and had a crush on her wayyyyyy before I was ready even to admit that to myself... Sorry for the rambling there, lol. But this is a natural, normal thing, really. I don't think that you're going to be a possessive or jealous person when you're in a relationship with someone who looks at *you* like that, who's *yours.* Because then there will be no reason for jealousy.
Yeah. I've had certain crushes on girls before and didn't even realize I did until later. Just the normal way, I guess. I thought I was the only one. (*hug*) I sorry you're feeling that way about your old crush. I'm in the same boat with another girl so if you to talk just PM.
I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. And no, it is not weird or strange to only realise that you had a crush much later. For years I thought I had gone for a whole decade of adolescence without having a crush on or falling in love with anyone - how wrong I was! I realise now that I DID have crushes - not just one, but quite a few. And very intense ones at that - only I didn't let myself think of them as sexual or as romantic in any way. Therefore, I grew up thinking that I was rarely interested in anyone, when in fact, I was crushing on girls! And do you know what is interesting? You say that you still have a photo of this girl - I still have a photo of this one girl in my wallet. Ten years later. It was only when I realised (VERY recently) that I'd had a crush on her that I realised why it was that that was the ONLY photo that I transferred from wallet to wallet throughout my adolescence/early adulthood. So it's not weird at all - and I think, too, that if this happened when you were younger, you might have been confused by the feelings anyway, let alone the fact that it was a gay crush. But if it's weird, then I've done it too. But I totally understand you. But don't worry too much about the jealousy - everyone gets jealous once in a while. Just make sure it doesn't take over your life, or make you do psycho things, and you'll be fine
