This may be a tad long and I apologize in advance for creating a new thread with a similar question like many others. Except this is human sexuality and not cars. If I may this is my background I live in AZ. I am a son to a mother who seems to me codependent and not all there. Says she loves me a whole lot but I can't help to think shell never be able to do enough for me. Our relationship is shit and I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my days figuring it out. My biological father was manipulatively abusive... The summers were great in WA. except for one, the last one I ever saw of him around the age of 12 I'm 27 this yr..i recall during court, being asked if I wanted to stay with dad or mom, chose mom. My mother married an iron worker from a broken family, no dad, 1 brother, lots of sisters and an alchy mom. He was a good caretaker mostly (gave me a sister an entire family really, cousins n what not)... The recession hit I guess, mom was a stay home mom till sister was bout 15 1/2... I'm sure the toll was heavy on my stepfather, supporting 4.. Lots of arguments, yelling, trouble.. The house was a stir I could never bring people to my house it was filth. I don't need to literate the conditions. Just wierd how it all went from perfect to garbage.. Alright the neighborhood was nice besides the couple crack dens across the street. The stepdad beat mom when I was 6 one time and never drank again.. Every blue moon from what id hear, he'd slip and catch a meth high. So the last straw ended about 3 years ago. My mom left him ( she was always going out not really BEING A "housewife") I was staying with him and HELL broke lose,drugs.. Alcohol, violence. I woke up to him have have a sexual relation with a gay male. It became insane with the drugs and violence and I boogied! Lost the house, every memory of my biological father like pictures and " artifacts" that box of greatest childhood memories. .Now he's staying with some meth chick, mom lives with gma.. And I'm struggling to step out of lower middle class. I took my stepdads trade as an ironworker fabricator now for bout 5 yrs best thing that ever could've happened for me... Okay here's were it get complicated for me I remember being a young kid about 7 trying to French kiss my bio dad.. There was a few times in my younger life where I had been mistaken for a girl.. I am a very masculine looking dude now, sharp looking haha. When I was about 13, 14 maybe 15 I had a male friend. And wed talk about techniques of how we masturbated..well the parents left the house and we sneaked a peak at the porn channel.. And someway we ventured into my room behind the bed exchanging "blow jobs" we were quickly interrupted by my parents. Sort of ran in embarrassment. We "played" like nothing happened and were only found guilty of changing the T.V. Channel. Parents weren't dumb about what was happening they just let it be.. Not so long after I never saw the buddy again.( moved to another state) In this timetable I was experimenting solo anal play.. Not so often though. I lost my virginity to a girl about 16 1/2 it was the worst experience of my life.. Second girl was too fun, I didn't have a clue bout what was happening. She was older with a boyfriend and a car.. 3rd girl I was hooked on like an addiction. I no longer want to talk about it but I will say I continued to masturbate frequently and anal play now and then and more so towards the destructing end of our long relationship.. I learned what it is to be in a relationship but the problem is I'm refraining till I'm fully prepared to invite another woman "properly" into my life. I think this could be creating an issue. I lust after the "ex" I see girls and the opportunities with them and desire it but I refrain because I know you save the best for the best. I.E. I have no furniture or entertainment lol no point on this scale.. I'm very careful when it comes to the lbgt community. I believe I am highly attracted to women. I understand you win some or lose and its a game of might unfortunately I'm not in a well off place to play this game at the moment. Correct? I already know the answer... So in the last year or so I have been really having a hard time coming to terms with my sexuality as the anal play is being intense. I imagine "riding" what not " going down" but its a mess! I'm thrown off by it, illogical, I'm turned on by this idea But I'm not turned on by men. Women excite me like catching sheep. I question why I begin, beginning the act, during ( to get that climax) and it all in general. Towards the end I become confused like, why the fuck did I just do that? I'll catch myself now and then looking at the crouch area of a man or buttocks ( not staring just first glance) and be like Doh.. I once was considered to be homophobic but not likely. I've considered hooking up with a guy to find out except I cant come to terms (the LINE OF NO RETURN idk) If there is a civil interaction with a gay man, I feel as if there is no correlation. I get real worked up.. Contradicting isn't it?. This is my idea, a beautiful woman to woo over, my stability happiness and a kid or too for the shabang and its taking forever.. I feel like I always have to prove I'm straight and become anxiously nervous when there is a vibe I present that might assume I am gay. I disagree with denial, I'm strongly attracted to females whether it was nature or nurture. I just wish I could figure out what the hell is going on with me. If I want that trophy wife I can't keep sticking my fingers up my butt. I lose that man testosterone thing. I love having that woman presence, right now she wouldn't do me any good. How would someone continue a monogamous relationship with their opposite, craving being dominated by another. I don't want to be married and then yrs down have an affair with another because I was "BI". I'm really confuses about this because the laws of nature will not permit BI sexuality. Or at least for the girls id like to be with. Thank you I am not homophobic my family holds a valuable place in this community. I'm looking for insight. Not your gay just give it time. We are more complex than that please..
