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Completely clueless

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Treasury, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. Treasury

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    Hey everyone!

    I've realized that I'm not straight since 14 years old, and I've been trying to convince myself that I'm something I'm not. I acted my way through high school and for most of my first year in university. I came out as bi to three of my close friends, and even that was a tough struggle. Nowadays, when my mind wanders, I have no idea as to whether I'm bi/gay.

    I really want to live a life where I don't need to keep up an image, one that I'm so good at, I'm beginning to believe it. All of my friends have never realized or suspected anything since I (in my opinion) play it off so well. I want to tell others, but whenever I get to that stage, my chest tightens up and I become too afraid to do so. Moreover, my parents, are i) divorced and are not at good terms with each other, and I do not know whether they will accept their only son to be gay/bi. I also depend on them heavily for school.

    Furthermore, during the last 4 years, I've shown myself off as a joking, easy-going person that loves to troll and prank others. I can make people laugh. In fact, I think I'm the far opposite of most of the things and I'm afraid my friends will leave or distance themselves when they realize that they became friends with a person that was just an image.

    I would of course, prefer to tell this to my best friend, but everytime I come close to saying, I can't get past the stage of thinking that I'll be weak in front of him and I shouldn't trouble him with my shit. 10/10 times I'd reply with "Don't worry about it." This bothers me because I know I'm just pushing him away farther and farther every time I say it, but I just can't do it.

    I would appreciate some advice from you guys! Thanks a lot!
     
  2. Gort

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    Well, first off, if you come out as bi, and then realise afterwards that you're probably mostly gay, it won't be much of a stretch to change this, since I think it's still a pretty common misconception out there that bi men don't actually exist. So don't worry so much about which label you most identify with at this point. I mean, you're only 18, you've got lots of time to sort this out.

    I get what you mean by feeling like you've been projecting an image, as I imagine a lot of us here would. I particularly relate because I tend to be the wise-cracking sarcastic type myself, even if I don't necessarily feel like that on the inside. I think you might find that once you start being out to more people and feel free to be your whole self around them, you're not going to turn into the morose, nervous person you feel like inside (I'm reading into what you're writing, and perhaps projecting a bit of myself, so feel free to insert more applicable traits into that sentence). Rather, you might actually feel decent enough to match up with the easy-going jokester that you are on the outside.

    As for the rest of your friends: it will get easier with each successive coming out process, since you'll be a bit more comfortable with saying it and more familiar with reactions. Just do so as you feel ready. If you need to get over that hump of telling your best friend in particular, maybe give him a heads up that you want to talk to him about something; it'll give you that extra push to not back out. If he's your friend, he'll probably won't mind you "troubling him with your shit."

    As for your parents: have they given you any indication in the past that they might be homophobic? If not, then I'm sure that, even if they haven't entertained the idea, they probably want their only son to be as happy as possible.

    Lastly: feel good about the fact that you're in Toronto and still at university! Minus the Rob Ford debacles, it is probably one of the best places in Canada to be exploring this, and being at university you have tons of resources at your hands for this.

    Hope that was marginally useful! Good luck.
     
  3. Yossarian

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    There is no reason you have to be any different from the way you are now unless you were acting homophobic; you were already gay and still are. Just be yourself, which 99% of the time has nothing to do with being gay. They liked who you were and still are.
     
  4. Treasury

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    Thanks guys!

    It's reading week next week, so I play on coming out to my floor after reading week. Hopefully it turns out well. After all, each step I take is progress!

    Of course, I'm still scared, but I hope that will pass :slight_smile:

    Cheers guys!
     
  5. Gort

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    Well, I spent my first ever reading week in an anaesthetic fog from getting wisdom teeth removed, so I hope (and am certain) it will be better than that!

    Good luck. Let us know how it goes!
     
  6. robclem21

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    Good Luck! Enjoy reading week and the semi-warm weather. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Treasury

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    Ahaha thanks! It snowed quite a bit today, I'm just dreading the weather back in school.

    For an update: I think I'm going to get involved with the LGBT group at my school first, ask for advice since there's a huge storm that's driving me frustrated and confused daily. I'll go from there!

    Thanks guys, you've been a great help!