I have noticed alot more in the last few weeks as I deal with my sexuality, the issue of coming out. I’ve heard of this subject before, but not until I realized I wasn’t straight as people around me think I am that I really have been understanding this issue. It’s a hard issue and subject to approach and face. I have read alot of coming out stories. Some very amazing heart felt successes, but more painful tragic rejections. I understand that coming out may be a normal part of the process of becoming who we are, but I think I have no real need to have this part in my process. I think I can become me and be happy without having to come out. Given my sexuality to me is of no ones business or right of judgment, I see no reason why I need to tell anyone. Unless I think it will really effect them or their life, I think my sexuality should be treated just like any other part of who I am. Something that is there in a way that works for me and will eventually become clear without need to draw any direct attention to it. Like I like the color blue and the number 3. No real attention is given to that. Just something about me that is there and becomes clear over time. I want the knowledge of my sexuality to be treated the same. Less attention and drama on it and more respecting me as a whole person rather than an aspect issue. If I meet someone I like and they like me, yes, then I would tell them my sexuality as it could effect them and their feelings, but other than that, no. Not a word I feel needs to be said. Treat me as whole and not as a part or aspect issue. This way I can move on with less drama and unneeded attention.
It's a nice sentiment that I'm sure all of us would like to live by, in fact most of have been through that stage of.. bargaining (not sure that's the right word there but can't think of anything else), but the reality is it's just not feasible. Coming out doesn't just mean telling people you're gay, coming out means not living with the fear that people know you're gay. You say things aren't other peoples business, but believe me people will make it their business to find out about your love life. Hiding a part of yourself because it's "no ones business" will just cause problems. It means you're still hiding because you're worried about what other people think. You're letting your fears of other peoples judgement dictate how you live your life. You're not free.
My experience, Maxwell45. I tormented myself for about 10 years about my sexuality, and only recently started coming out to my friends (not to my parents yet, for that I need time and a job). When you do it, you realize it's NOT a big deal. Your friends will probably tell you: "oh, I didn't expect it" or "yes, I kinda figured it out". And that's it. Your friends are there because they like who you are, they don't care much about what you do in bed. And if you find a nice guy who loves you, they will be happy for you. The first person I came out to, I felt like I had to go into very tiny details, specifying what kind of men I like, the fact that I'm not effeminate, the fact that in bed I'm a top, etc. etc. It was almost like I was justifying myself. The more you do it, the easier it gets and the less details you feel obliged to say. And seriously, unless you live in a very homophobic area, it's not a big deal. If I can give you some advice, do the little experiment I did myself: come out to a person that you like and that you trust, but that you're not that close, so that a (very unlikely) rejection won't hurt too much. When you do it, you will feel strange, maybe even for a few days. But when you realize the importance of being yourself, having someone to talk to, and not having to hide anything... Phew, it's such a relief. Mind you, this comes from someone who hid things for 10 years, and was really convinced that you can lead a "double life": asexual on the outside, gay/bi on the inside with the less people possible knowing it. Can you lead such a life? Yes, you can. But boy it sucks. I got to a point where my life was so double that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. This should never happen to anyone. I also wanted to avoid the drama and unneeded attention, and well, coming out didn't bring any of that. I was also afraid of being identified with all the possible gay clichés, but if you don't fall into them, it won't happen. Another example: a friend of mine confessed that he likes to play with hot wax in bed. It's a detail that I could've lived without, I admit it. But now that I know, has my relationship with him changed? NO. I honestly don't care. And when he introduces me to a girl he's dating, I'm happy for them. It's not like the first thing I think is her body covered in wax!
Coming out in a public way is more important if you want to meet new gay people; you are advertising to get their interest and attention and express your openness to their sexuality. If that is not important to you now, then you don't need to do it now as long as you can accept yourself as you truly are. Being unwilling to come out publicly only suggests that you truly haven't, it does not confirm that you haven't. The problems you will have from having this hidden identity will vary situationally from people trying to "fix you up", asking why you aren't dating, assuming that you might be gay but respecting your privacy, to gossiping about you based on their speculations. Eventually some of them will ask you point blank if you are gay, and that is where the lies will start, or you will out yourself, or run away from the question. None of these will be good for you. Hopefully you will not let these pressures force you into an unsuitable heterosexual marriage. The important thing to consider is that, the younger you are, the easier it is to assume the homosexual identity. If you don't believe this, have a read of the LGBT Later in Life threads, where we discuss all the problems and entanglements from staying in the closet too long; some of them get really bad, not even considering all the lost years of happiness you may be foregoing in a finite length life. Further problems result if one person in a relationship is "out", and the other is "in"; the psych books are replete with stories about the riffs and stress this causes. Ultimately it is up to you to weigh the fear of of coming out against the benefits of being out, and make your own decision, as we all are doing or have done.
I pretty much did what Maxwell45 said - never really publicly "came out." I just started socializing in gay circles and made no effort to make any friends in the straight community. Problem is, I still have to work for a living. And I work in an industry that is mostly straight. I'm aware of a few instances in which co-workers speculated (behind my back) that I might be gay. The fear of being outed and scorned contributes a lot of anxiety to my life. I wish I could at least get into a gay-friendly work environment so I wouldn't fear losing my job/career over it. I also live in fear that relatives in my area may spot me hanging out with gay friends and out me to relatives ... which makes me kind of reluctant to get out and do things. I wish this didn't have to be so complicated. Hopefully there will be a day that gay and straight are equal, and it's no longer an issue.
I am not ‘afraid’ to come out. I am not ‘trying to hide’ my sexual identity. I am not ‘in denial’ of my sexual identity. This all is fact. I just see no practical need to draw attention on my sexual identity. All it does as far as I am concern is to draw unnecessary attention and drama to 1 aspect of who I am and distracts away from the whole of who I am as a person. I am bisexual. No question about that and no issues about that. However, being bisexual is not the whole of who I am or defines who I am as a person. It is just 1 aspect of me. I also like the color blue. Do I have to come out to everyone about that too? OMG!... I like the number 3, who should I tell? Wait, what if people found out I can play a guitar and actually sing! What would people think of me if they found these things out about me? What would they say about me? How would people define me using these things? Oh no, I came out and now it’s all this stupid pointless attention and drama that really serves no practical need. Coming out to people about my sexuality is not more of meaning than coming out about these things or other aspects of me. It really is just one aspect of me and I am way more than just one aspect or item. I am a whole person. Body, heart, soul, and mind. Define me as I am. As a whole person and not limited to my sexual identity or another single aspect. And if people talk about me and say this or that, so what? If not my sexual identity as a motivator for them to talk about me, they will find something else if they want to. So let them talk. I can not stop them, but I sure in the hell don’t have to fuel their conversations. Even if I corrected them, they still will talk about me in any fashion they want, incorrect or other wise. I am worried about what people say about me. I simple have no control over it and if they really care, they’ll talk to me, not about me. As to me finding a partner in life. That is something I am sure I can do just fine without having to have it out I am bisexual. I can associate in circles best fitted for my comforts and in turn, conversations will lead to where they need to. Not an actual concern of mine. In the same token, if I need support, these same circles I associate in, during conversation, I will find others like me who care to support me. If my best friends turn out to be LGBT, then they will eventually learn I am bisexual as I might share it with them, but not on a ‘coming out’ need. On a this is who I am as your friend among other aspects of me kind of conversation. I am not say to anyone ‘not to come out.’ Not even close to what I am trying to say to others and they journey. I am just saying that for me personal, coming out seems to be more of a pain in the butt than it does as a helping step. So I am skipping it and for me, I am very much okay with it. I am not going to hide being bisexual, but you won’t find me holding no sigh over my head declaring ‘bisexual’ either. I am not afraid, I am not hiding, I am not in denial. I am just doing what works best for me and I see no regrets ahead. If there is, like anything else, I’ll learn, adjust, grow, and move on.
I'm sorry but comments like this are a little bothersome. Just because one doesn't feel the need to discuss their orientation in general doesn't necessarily mean they are stuck in some bargaining stage; it simply could mean they don't feel the need to just have it brought up. Coming out is more than about telling others but that is a big part of many people's lives and usually a big first step. Why does that mean someone who decides to (mostly) skip that step has to automatically equal bad? @Maxwell I'm with you in that I don't feel that step is necessary at this point either. I still have my own issues to tend to first but I don't plan on 'coming out'(at least in the traditional sense). i just plan to do my own thing and have others pick up on it themselves.
Maxwell, please correct me if I'm misreading your take on coming out. What I'm basically hearing you say is that just because you identify as bi, doesn't mean you need to take out an ad in the Times to make an announcement in order to feel like you're a whole person. Nor do you need to run down your phone list and tell all your friends "hey Joe, guess what I'm bi!" or whatever. Instead you look at your sexual orientation as just one of many facets of the whole you, and by making a point of "coming out" with that bit of information blows it out of proportion with regards to all the other aspects that make you who you are. If the situation arises and you're on a date with a guy and a friend happens to see you and they ask about it, you'll answer them honestly that yes he was your date or boyfriend or whatever he is. I don't see that as hiding or bargaining. It seems healthy and balanced to me, but then I'm at the early stages of all this coming-out stuff myself and will be lining up my own therapy in the next few days to get the ball rolling.
C P, I am not sure if you are agree with me or disagree with me. I am not the smartest person so I am sorry. Either way, thanks for sharing. ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2014 at 09:30 PM ---------- @GayDad..., you understood what I am trying to say right, just you said it a lot better and shorter than I did, lol. If I show up with a guy and someone asked me if I am gay or bi, yes, then I will tell them. Kind of have to then especially if him and me are holding hands or kissing, lol. But yes, you got it right. Good for you for seeking therapy and being proactive. Stay strong and stay on track on who you feel you are.
I was agreeing with you in that I don't feel the need to use that whole 'hey so-and-so, I'm *fill in an orientation*'. I just am going to(when I sort my own current issues out) continue doing whatever I do and, as GayDad put it, if a situation arises that would lead someone I know to question things, then I'll feel free to explain. That's what my response to you meant(he also put it pretty well above). I don't see a problem with doing what you are as it is something that I can relate to.
