Typical me. It started a year ago. I got depression and I know why. Thoughts. I felt so bad for hating my brother and wanting him to go back to England yet I felt so terrible for hating him so though I had very good reasons. I wanted to cut off all contact from my family in England which includes my brother, sister and dad. I felt really bad for this and started to hate myself. Then I started a new school. In this school my opinion didn't matter because I was 'a filthy English slut craving for attention' I knew the answers to the questions because I studied most of this in year 6 when this was a year 8 class. This carried on for weeks it stopped for a couple of weeks however they resorted to violence instead. I was too masculine to be a boy and had to be gay. They didn't like me because I was gay, agender, masculine and English . I felt like I was worthless. They didn't even know I was gay. They just assumed it and decided to stereotype me I guess. I hated myself so much I wanted to die. I started cutting and having suicidal thoughts. Fortunately a day before killing myself they (my parents) announced that we were moving. I had to move high schools . I felt elated; the first time I had been happy for a long time. However as school had the holidays I started to wonder about my own sexual orientation. I never had a crush on a guy just girls that I passed off as wanting to be like her not with her. I decided to believe myself to be bisexual. However deep down I knew that I was gay. A couple of months of being denial I decided instead of praying every day to turn straight ( I must of been pretty desperate as I am atheist) to just accept it and move on. I couldn't I just saw a post on Facebook about a guy I knew coming out with everyone supporting him. I was happy for him but jealous. Insanely jealous. I couldn't come out, my parents don't like to talk about LGBT . My friend was homophobic and I was scared . Fast forward two months. New year. New school . My friend still homophobic. My mum and step dad still doesn't like talking about LGBT people. Still talk to my sister and dad by force. Still in the closet . Still scared. I want to come out so bad. To just one person? But how to do this. I have learnt from experience that the worst possible outcome always happens to me. But how?
