My love and I have been engaged since October, but it was initially going to be a long-term thing that we wouldn't even have to think about for about a year. On Thursday we suddenly decided that we don't want to put our lives on hold waiting to get married and have moved it to August, which is less than 6 months away! I'm so excited and so happy and so in love! But also still in hiding from nearly all of my friends. They don't know about us, they don't know I'm with a girl, and I'm part of a close knit religious community that never discusses anything to do with homosexuality. At least I don't hear people saying it's a sin! But it's just... never discussed. I told my mum back in October and she didn't really say anything. She loves my girlfriend to bits (we were best friends for the 7 years before we were together, and we've been together for over 3 and a half years, so she's known her a while) and has been nothing but happy for how happy I am... but since the day I told her to this day not a word has been mentioned about it again. Before this weekend I had told a couple friends who have nothing to do with each other, who live a long way from me, and who can't spread the word, and my boss - who was actually the first person I told. I even got my boss to tell my dad, who I never see, so that he wouldn't find out through the grapevine - and even he has been trying to be supportive of me in his weird, awkward way. Everyone has been so great and no one has even twitched an eyebrow at me. But now suddenly I have to tell everyone, like... now. And I'm terrified. I can't understand why. I ran into one of my friends completely out of the blue on Saturday in a place miles and miles from where either of us live. I was there with my girlfriend for our Valentine's weekend, and he was there with his girlfriend for the same. We ended up spending the afternoon and evening together and had a lovely time. It took me hours and hours of internally freaking out (wobbling knees, queasy stomach, everything) and of him making very funny vague cryptic attempts to work out what was between me and my girlfriend (who he's known about as my best friend for years but had never met) before I finally got up the nerve and told him I had been planning to call him that weekend to invite him to our wedding. He was, just like everyone else, wonderful and barely missed a beat before saying he would be there. We didn't talk about it after that, but we arranged to talk soon. My girlfriend and I then reached out to an old mutual friend of ours who is an incredible photographer and asked her if she'd be free in August to take some photos for us. She said probably and asked what they'd be for, we told her they were for our wedding and she started crying with happiness for us. After her response, and the response of my friend on Saturday, who was the first of my close network of friends that I have told, and I thought that after such a positive response I would be fine telling people. But I'm still not. I even find it difficult to talk about with my mum, who already knows! I tried to email the other of my very good friends who doesn't know. She's fantastic and could never, ever be anything but supportive of me, and I know that completely, and yet I get two lines into my email and my tummy fills with butterflies and I can't carry on. I hate this. I love my life, I'm happier than I ever thought possible. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, I adore her and we just get closer with every day we're together. Everyone I've told has been nothing but supportive, so sweet and so happy for me. I'm so happy and planning the most beautiful wedding there ever was, and I want to be an excited bride who can post little wedding updates on Facebook and share my happiness with all my friends without this weird twinge of... what? I don't know! I just know I hate it. I know the problem is not out there but in my own head. Can anyone help me sort it out?
