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Thoughts Appreciated

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by butterfly dust, Feb 18, 2014.

  1. butterfly dust

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    Hi, so this is my first post here other than my introduction thread, so I apologise for asking for support before I have given any, and I know this might be a bit long, so thank you to anyone who actually reads it and responds!

    I have identified as bisexual for a long time. Ever since I started feeling attracted to people, I've had feelings for people regardless of their gender. My orientation isn't really "fixed", in that it has varied between being closer to heterosexual and closer to homosexual at various times in my life. In the past few years it has been going further and further towards homosexual, so that now really I feel that I'm mostly a lesbian. There are some people I am still attracted to who don't identify as women though. (As time has progressed I have also come to question the "ideal" monogamous relationship and think that a polyamorous relationship would suit me better.)

    Now here are the issues (which at the moment I am constantly close to tears thinking about)... First, I'm in a relationship with a man, and secondly I have a son who is nearly 4 (my current partner is not his father though). I've been living with my partner for the past year and a half and he's done a lot to support me, both financially and emotionally. He knows that I am bisexual, but I really can't talk to him about this at all because I can't think of a way to frame it that isn't hurtful and an outright rejection of him. The truth is I don't think I really feel attracted to him, but we have been together for a while, he's been really good to me (especially since he is the one putting a roof over my head), his family have been really good to me and I just feel as though I owe it to him to continue being a good girlfriend to him. Then there's my son. He's used to my partner, he likes him being around, he likes my partner's family, etc. So I have to think about him as well. My parents aren't super accepting of gay people, so they still don't even know that I am bisexual, let alone that I might be gay. I think they already think that I'm a crap parent and I don't know if they would accept their grandson being raised by me and a hypothetical female partner so I don't know how they would react if I did decide to leave my partner due to my orientation. I've had so many arguments with my dad about homophobic stuff he's come out with ("it's not natural" etc) so I'm guessing it wouldn't be positive.

    So I guess I don't know if I should "wait and see" if my orientation goes back to being more bisexual. Or if I should talk to my partner... but if so, how? What is the least hurtful (to me and other people) way I can go about dealing with this situation?
     
  2. butterfly dust

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    I hope this doesn't come across as too obnoxious, but *bump* I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give.
     
  3. insomniak

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    I'm afraid I can't offer any direct advice on what to do but rather a point of view. Personally, I wouldn't make a decision until I was sure. Having said that, I stayed in 2 hetero relationships (a total of 15 years) while in the closet when I knew I was a lesbian. I justified this by saying I was bi. (I'm not saying that is what you are doing. This is just part of my journey.) This was not good for me at all. In hindsight, I would have reached out to a gay supportive counselor or an LGBT group in my area. Maybe that could be an option for you.
     
  4. butterfly dust

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    Thanks for the response. At the moment I feel pretty sure, but I am planning to wait a little bit longer to see how things play out, I guess. I have booked an appointment with the counselling service at my university, and perhaps I could also reach out to the LGBT group at my university, but I haven't yet looked into that.

    I wrote my partner a letter earlier but I think I'll throw it out. I also managed to speak to a couple of friends over the internet, who were able to offer me some support and a friendly ear, which was nice. Just talking to someone about it makes it feel a little less overwhelming I suppose.
     
  5. You've got a lot on your plate right now so you're doing the right thing by waiting it out a bit. You're also doing the right thing by booking an apointment to see a counselor. I honestly can't give much advice on the subject but if you ever need to vent we're all here for you! :slight_smile:

    I'm sure everything will work itself out!
     
  6. insomniak

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    It's really good to hear that you are taking things step by step. It also looks like you have a lot of places where you can get support and places to help you work it all out. It certainly isn't easy nor simple. This is a great place to be even just to know that others have made these journeys before. Just be patient, sometimes replies may be slower than we would like. :slight_smile:
     
  7. butterfly dust

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    I saw a counsellor at the uni counselling service and they just told me to get in contact with the LGBT group at the union. I've sent an email to the women's welfare officer but she hasn't got back to me yet. I feel a little calmer/less like harming myself now but I still can't imagine talking to my partner.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    Your situation is really complicated and has many different strands to it, which are all intertwined right now in a really horrible way. It's no wonder you feel so confused and tense with it all.

    To fully understand who you are and arrive at a decision about what to do for the best, you need to find a way of separating those strands and you may well need help and support to do that, so I'm pleased that you've taken some positive steps. It might take time and a bit of pain along the way, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and hope you get there without too much hurt.