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I feel so confused, lost and hopeless.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Neverhere, Feb 18, 2014.

  1. Neverhere

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2014
    Messages:
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    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi there. This is a long story, but basically, I am a thirty something year old woman, who up until four years ago, never really questioned their sexuality. I have never really enjoyed sex with men, but I thought it was just something wrong with me and that I had to put up with it to be in a relationship. I would find any excuse I could not to have sex, which looking back, isn't really right.

    Anyway, I have had a pretty tumultuous upbringing, being brought up in a cult like religion, which is very homophobic, and was passed between family members, felt pretty unloved most of my life, and after some horrid relationships with men, I met a great man who mde me feel loved and stable. We settled down, but eventually, I just didn't want to have sex with him, which went on for three years, (we've been together over a decade) until I met this girl at work. I wasn't attracted to her at first, not at all, but she broke up with her boyfriend, and I wanted to be supportive to her because I knew all about heartbreak.

    She seemed attracted to me, and I used to feel guilty that I wasn't going to be what she wanted me to be. However, six months on, I fell completely in love with her, and we started having an affair behind my boyfriends back. Soon after, both of our best friends committed suicide, within weeks of each other, and it sent us both over the edge emotionally. We clung to each other, and I became more and more mentally unstable. On top of this, my parents have made it clear they'd rather I dead than gay, and I felt angry with myself, for being a cheat and a liar, angry with her for turning my life and identity upsidedown, angry with everything and everyone. I didn't want to be gay, I didn't want to lose my family, or go back to being penniless and homeless like I was when I was a teenager. I am quite poorly mentally and physically a lot, so I can't support myself financially alone....and I couldn't break my boyfriends heart. He adores me.

    Anyway, eventually she couldn't take it anymore, after three years, she ended up kissing another girl whilst on holiday (I will make it clear that I never touched my boyfriend in any sexual way whatsoever the entire time we were together, or shared a bed with him) and I was devastated, and reacted horrifically to her. I broke her heart saying furious angry things I didn't mean, and she left me. I had a complete mental breakdown, and tried to take my life several times.

    So, it's been seven months, and I just don't know what to do. I could make do, pretend i'm straight and stay in a relationship where i'm secure and looked after. Or I come out, lose everything, including my family, and I still don't get to be with my girlfriend because she won't even read an e mail from me. I am so lost, so scared, and I just wish I could disappear.....

    Thanks for reading this, if you have.
     
  2. HarryPotterFan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2014
    Messages:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I don't think you should ever be in a relationship where you have to pretend to be someone you're not, or for the sake of security. It doesn't equal happiness, and both of you would end up getting hurt and feeling miserable. I don't think it's fair on him, who, it sounds like is a decent person. And it's not fair on you either.

    You could lose everything if you come out, but maybe you don't have to completely come out. You don't have to tell your family if you're scared of losing them. That way you can live your life trying to be happy and comfortable, without risking losing your loved ones.