***I'm warning you this is a long post*** ***I tried posting this in another section earlier and I didn't get many responses, I just want as much feedback and advice as possible*** Ok, I've got a friend, let's call him Joey. I've known Joey for about eh 9-10 months now. I know him because he dated a friend of mine Emmy (who's a girl) for about 2 months. After they broke up I was curious what happened so I started to talk to him on my own to try and figure it out. I always thought he was straight until I started to actually talk to him and became friends with him. It took me a while to actually start to think he wasn't straight (I think he's probably bi). I just started to notice patterns in his behavior and how our discussions went. At first when we'd talk it was pretty normal we'd talk about the girl he dated and whether or not they could get back together. Then we started to talk more and he began to open up. He's extremely depressed. He's very lonely. And he's told me a couple of times I'm the only person who he's actually opened up to. Also, in the past he's randomly asked me about gay sex or brings it up. He'll talk about how he doesn't think he could ever do it. I usually joke about it and don't take it too seriously, but when I do take a more serious approach he seems taken aback and gets very anxious. Then after every time sex comes up he brings up Emmy. Even though we never really talk about her anymore. I've never brought up sex with him, he always brings it up. Also on more than one occasion he's told me how he loves me and appreciates me. I'm not going to lie I like when he says this. But then he will end up talking about how he wishes I was a girl. How I'd "be perfect for him if I was a girl" (his words). The whole "wishing I was a girl" thing really bugs me and it shouldn't be too hard to see why. And after all that he will then bring up Emmy again. I actually sent him one of those kiss emojis and said no homo with it joking, then he replied yes homo, then said he loved me, and that I was like a girl he doesn't have sexual feelings for. Then there's something that happened a few weeks ago: he was drinking and we were texting and I was just teasing him like I usually do. Then he didn't reply for a couple minutes then I get a text from him saying that "I only make fun of him because he's gay" then he called me an asshole. He didn't talk to me for a little over a week after that. I actually talked to my friend who he dated and she's told me that she knows for a fact he's not straight, she's told me a few times she honestly thinks he's gay. She's very attractive and she said she'd try to go further with him and he wouldn't want to at all. That he was very uncomfortable with anything intimate. He's not dated anyone since her. And every time he's told me he has a date since then the date mysteriously cancels (shocking right?). He tries to keep up this womanizing appearance with other people, he tries to be the stereotypical dumb jock boy but he tells me that's not who he is at all and that he puts on a show for other people. He's so ridiculously insecure. So. Basically to sum it up, my relationship with Joey is screwy and I get that. And he's probably "not straight." I just want some advice from anyone who might have been in this kind of situation before. How to handle it. And how I could create an environment where he's comfortable being open. As much as he has opened up to me I know that there's still a lot he's uncomfortable talking about. Gay, straight, or bi, he's my friend, I do really love him and I want to help him and be there for him. I don't really care what he is at this point. I'm very lucky to have him as a friend. He's very smart and has such a kind heart it really kills me that he doesn't see that he's a beautiful and unique person. Help me help my friend.
Hey there! I'm sorry that you didn't get a lot of responses in the other section, I'll try to help as much as I can From reading your well worded post, he's in a stage where he is absolutely confused AND definitely frightened, which is why he's drawing himself in, and putting up the massive amounts of barriers around himself. I'm sure you know that what he needs most is not someone bashing down his walls, but rather, helping him emerge from them as a new and refreshed person. It takes time for someone confused to open up, especially when he feels that others misunderstand him. The first thing I would do is try my god damn hardest to make sure he feels that I (in your case, you) am there for him no matter what and I am here to support him. Whether this may be watching your tongue to avoid sensitive subjects, finding things to do with him and etc... You have to be there just so he can see you are the person he can definitely go to with anything. Encouragement, support, and reassurance; make sure he knows that no matter what happens, you are there for him. Never cease to let anyone you care about know that you will stand at his side no matter what. Also make sure you let him notice that you are accepting of whatever his sexuality is and you are open to understanding. You also mentioned that he opens up to you. That's already one big difference between you and others. If you feel that he wants to open up to you, or if you sense something is wrong, have a seat, grab a drink and talk. Let him guide the conversation (mostly), and provided that you've done your best in assuring him you're never-ending support, he'll lean on you for support. Hopefully my little essay helps a little bit. Keep us updated! Cheers!
Thanks. It's hard because he goes through phases, he'll talk to me sometimes and be very open and honest about how he's insecure but he almost always follows that up by shutting himself off from me and either ignoring me or avoiding talking seriously to me. He's always reluctant to actually see me too, he even told me this. He basically said that I do scare him, he didn't really explain how, I thought it was weird. But then when we message each other he's fine but in person he's always very guarded and quiet, very rarely can I get him to talk seriously in person.
I looked up your other post, and I personally think that he thinks his family won't accept him, so he's denying himself to be true to himself. Treasury is right, and the only thing you can do is affirm how it would be fine if he was gay/bi/etc. and that you are there for him if he needs anything. You need to be his gay role model and show that you have come out and you're being yourself and loving it. I have never heard of someone who never came out during their whole life time, so just play the waiting game and hopefully he'll come to terms with himself first, and then you'll probably be the first person he tells if you and him and still good friends at that time. I wish there was something that could help him realize he'll be okay and slowly start to sort out his feelings, but just wait and keep a good amount of contact with him and he'll eventually be fine. Good luck
I feel for your friend (since I'm like that), talking IRL is one of the best things, yet one of the hardest things - especially about such a complex topic. (Side story: I came out to 3 friends, one when I'm highly drunk, 1 sober, but it took half an hour, and the last, he figured out himself, I'm very guarded) However, the most important thing isn't about whether he has the courage to talk face to face. It's all about whether you guys are able to communicate on a more personal level. Sure, it's obviously better to talk face to face, but if you guys are communicating more effectively for this matter through text, why not use it to your advantage? Use the texting to find out what's wrong, and what's going on inside his head and then you can think about what to do next. By the way, I just read the other post and I've got to agree with Simple Thoughts, time is the key to everything. With that being said, you can always try to "manipulate" it. I'll use the analogy of an open wound, you can let it heal on its own, at its natural pace, OR you can apply some antibiotic cream, vitamin E, aloe, etc... to encourage it to heal. Your job is to be that support so that he is confident that you will be there to listen to whatever he has to say. It doesn't have to be just being there, doing things with him. Simple texts after a conversation saying "I'll always be here whenever you need me", or something not as cheesy . You can also take a holiday and write cards, and inside you can write something that lets him know how much he means to you, etc...
Well the only issue I've got with him opening up while we are texting is that it's easier to ignore. Although he does open up more when we are texting, it's a lot easier to silence your phone than it is to walk away from someone standing in front of you. And he'll text and seem to be serious but then if I start to ask questions he'll reply "no I was joking, I wasn't serious." And he'll say that after he's been talking about it for an hour our or so without any sarcasm or jokes.
Sounds like he's a closet gay, but is afraid of not only others reactions but of himself. He is confused, because maybe he thought he was straight all his life and just found out he was gay, and he is terrified of everything about his homosexuality. When I found out I was gay, I was afraid of other's reactions but also of myself. I started getting insomnia, and school (which I previously enjoyed... Call me a freak if you want) became torture. I went from top grades and amazing Habits of Mind to decent and bad grades. And it was all because of what I feared in myself, not from others. And now I sound like a philosopher. And I have no idea why I'm saying this, I've never told anyone else before and now I'm telling a group of people I don't know. Welcome to my world. Anyway, keep bringing up LGBT topics that aren't about him and use it to show how much you support them.
It's tough he just gets so ridiculously uncomfortable with lgbt topics. He makes stuff up and says that Emmy still talks to him. I've been best friends with her since we were in diapers and I know that she doesn't talk to him. I can tell when he's lying and lately I've just had such little patience with him because he's been lying a lot. I told him he doesn't have to lie to me because I don't care about that crap but I care about him and he said nothing and now he's giving me the silent treatment.
Maybe just tell him straight up that you support anybody LGBT strongly and that you would support them all you can. But, if he's uncomfortable with being gay, then so be it. He has to come out on his own terms, but you can encourage him from the sidelines. I'm trying to help my friend with that, even though all he wants to talk about is how to beat the water elite four in his pokemon Y . Anyway, just give him support about stuff like how you support gays, it never has to do with him. Take advantage on celebrities that come out, if it happens. Say how you're glad that they came out because you know how hard it can be to be in the closet, and that you're glad that he decided to do what was right for him and come out. Giving him direct support is the best way, but you can encourage him via indirect conversation if he isn't ready for the coming out stress.
He walls himself in. ---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2014 at 12:14 AM ---------- I messaged him earlier and said he doesn't have to lie to me. And he's on facebook right now so I know he's online and he's choosing to ignore me.
My advice? Keep it normal and light. You can't force help upon him. When the time comes, he'll realize he needs support and he'll look around him to see what is there. That's when he'll come to you because you're already there. Hint a bit here and there, but don't force yourself onto him. Act normally, and that's how conversation starts - in a comfortable environment.
I do try to act normal but he will bend it into something else. Like on valentines day he said he had a date that cancelled then he just kept talking about how he wasn't lucky at all but he was lucky to have me. So, he'll make it like that. Then if I try to continue it further, he will get uncomfortable and shut himself off.
