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Coming out to homophobic parents?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GemmaK, Feb 21, 2014.

  1. GemmaK

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    Hey, so I'm 17 and I'm a lesbian. I live with my parents, and I won't be moving out for a year and a half, at which point I will hopefully be off to university.
    I've known I'm gay since I was 13, but I've struggled in accepting it as I've been raised surrounded by homophobic people. My family are the sort of people where some days, there can be rants and conversations at the dinner table about how disgusting/unnatural gay people are. This is pretty harsh and it really does hurt when they say things like this, but I guess I've learned over the years to mostly ignore it. Whilst I think it's obvious that they're homophobic, I am also absolutely positive that they wouldn't kick me out over this, or stop helping me with money for car insurance etc, so there wouldn't be any financial issues if I came out. I'm aware that they will likely not be pleased when they find out, but they're also the most passive aggressive people I know. They'll probably ignore me or something rather than actually argue or comment on it.
    I just think that it would be better for me to tell them now rather than keep on hiding it, because keeping it to myself is exhausting and if I'm honest, I don't care all that much about what they think anymore. But I've seen loads of advice everywhere saying that people like me should just wait, and that it isn't worth it. :/ I don't know what to do.
    If anyone has any advice for me at all, I'd love to hear it. :slight_smile:
    Thanks.
     
  2. Phoebsta

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    Have you told you're friends? If you want to tell them. Just do it! Just make sure that you have a back up plan (a place to stay JUST IN CASE) good luck!
     
  3. Movens

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    In my view ( and its not always the nicest or the right one ) you've got two main p
    Options ( well no !! ) and outcomes .

    A - come out to them , face the fire , and they're love for you will probably change they're views , at least so they accept you for who you are. It'll probably be difficult for a while but should be ok in the long run

    B - screw coming out to them , just come out to everyone else you trust. They don't find out , you get something off your chest.

    this probably hasn't helped , sorry.
     
  4. GemmaK

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    Thanks to you both for the advice. It's really helped. :slight_smile: I have friends that know and love me, who I could stay with if things happened to get really bad, so I guess that's a decent enough back-up plan.
    As for the options I have right now, I think just coming out and getting it over with is probably the best option for me right now. I'll just have to make sure I'm ready to face the fire, but yeah, I think it'll be okay in the long run. :slight_smile:
    Thanks a load.
     
  5. femmeinpink

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    If you feel more comfortable coming out to friends than to your parents, then I'd go that route first. It's possible that your parents could still find out somehow, and they might respond better if you just come out to them yourself and get it over with. It helps that they wouldn't be so unsupportive that they'd kick you out over this, but it would be hard to deal with being ignored or treated poorly for the rest of the time you have to live with them, so I agree with everyone else that having a backup plan is a good idea.

    Then again, you may never know how they'll react. They may be homophobic in general, but having someone so close to them who's gay may make them change their minds and be more open and accepting. So I'd say if you feel comfortable coming out to them, do it!
     
  6. GemmaK

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    I think the best possible outcome will be them simply ignoring it and pretending it never happened, which would be lovely, considering the things they could do. I don't know anyone gay in the family, so I can't really see whether they act any differently when they know someone close who is gay. From what I know the closest gay relative I have is my granddads brother (now dead), who was pretty popular in the family, but the fact that he was gay is rarely ever mentioned (as in, they called his partner his 'friend' or 'housemate' depite the fact that they were together and had been for a long time), and it comes up so rarely that I only ever found out after I asked this year. :/ So I guess in this case, the family mainly just ignored it and denied it.
    But yeah, I think I'll definitely have a friend on standby when I do it, who I will probably have to leave to talk to no matter how telling them goes, because I generally like to quickly escape from difficult situations rather than stick around. :/
    I just really don't want them to think I'm telling them out of anger or to prove a point or to get back at them for something, which is why I feel like I need to carefully pick a time. They're the sort of people who'll take anything as a personal insult and get really mean and defensive immediately. Also, I'd like for them not to write this off as a phase (as they wrote depression off as a year ago, before I finally got help for real recently), because they barely consider me as knowing much, as they see me as too young for anything. :/
     
  7. lovely lesbian

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    I'm sorry you are going through this with your family that is horrbile I'm glad you have friends that support you
     
  8. huggy

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    your parent sounds much better than those parents who would disown their child if they happen to be gay. so i think, and usually what i think is always right, that when you come out to them they might not be pleased ofcourse but from then on they'll stop saying craps about homosexual people and eventually it'll make them one of those people who accepted homosexuality :slight_smile:. but its your work to co-operate with them and be more open about it. if you feel uncomfortable after coming out it'll just show and you might get what you're afraid of. so open up and don't feel low, stay happy :slight_smile: