Hello everyone, I am new to this community and have been searching for a place where I can vent and get some support. I am married and have been for close to 5 years now. My husband and I have one beautiful son that I would do anything for. I have always known that I was gay but my family is strongly opposed to the idea of homosexuality. My Uncle was gay and sadly took his own life when I was 10 years old. He was married to his wife for close to 20 years and when he finally decided to come out, he did it in the form of a note and ending his life. I am now in the same situation as him minus the thoughts of ending my life. I do not and will not end my life, let me make that very clear. I do however feel like I am trapped. Please do not think of me as a bad person. I love my husband and always will. I told my husband that I was bisexual when we first met and he accepted me. I have felt like I am living a false life and it gets worse every year that goes by. There are times when I just want to scream and run away and be the woman that I feel I need to be and there the times when I just cry like an idiot. I don't know what to say to anyone and I don't know what to do. My sexual confusion has made me into the most miserable woman I know. I am constantly snapping at my husband and just being so mean spirited because I am unhappy with myself. I can not live in this state of false identity anymore and I don't just want to snap and make a big mess of things. I want my son to be able to understand and not be hurt and at the same time I don't want to hurt my husband and make him feel unloved because that's simply untrue. Any advise from anyone would help put my mind at ease. Thank you(&&&)
I don't think you're a bad person at all, but i know the feeling. I can understand why you wanted to keep it from your family after something like that. I'm in a long term hetero relationship and am feeling more difficulties keeping it going as time goes by. I feel like i am just lying to everyone and myself by staying with him, but am right now too scared to do anything about it. I definitely hear you on the feeling trapped...securely locked in place.
Hello sweetie! Don't beat yourself up. I'm in a similar situation - hetero married for 10 years to a fantastic man, we have 3 wonderful children and I am very, very much a lesbian. One nice thing about this site is that, for the most part, you'll only get support and encouragement... no-one will think you're a bad person! The first year or so after I realized my orientation (around three years ago) I went through what you're describing - the anger, the guilt, the frustration, the feeling of being trapped, and everything in between. In my case, I came out to my husband and we've stuck through it for the past three years all he's could finish his B.A. He just graduated earlier this month so we're trying to figure out the next step but I know that I will soon need to follow the path that's right for me. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that there are ways to keep your current relationship but it requires sometimes hard choices. I'm here if you want to talk. Hang in there!
Thank you guys for the support. Wildclover, its so good to hear from someone who is in my situation or is still going through it. My fears are for my son, he is only 2 years old and still very much in need of both my husband and I. I just feel so incredibly conflicted because the guilt for me is knowing that I may need to leave to be the woman I need to be. I just cant bring myself to do it because of our experiences together. I feel guilty because he has never done anything to warrant me leaving so im scared of what his reaction will be once I tell him. Im a lover for sure, I hate conflict and I hate being the one to hurt feelings. May I ask how you went about telling your husband, what approach did you use
The best approach is to be honest and just tell him what you have been feeling. Make sure he knows you love him, but that he just isn't what you want because you would rather be with a woman. Explain to him the conflict it has caused within you and that it's making you miserable. That would at least make him realize why you have been snappy towards him. It's a starting point and he might be really understanding about it. He will probably be hurt at first, but at least it will be out in the open and you will feel better about it instead of keeping it in. You two might be able to work something out. I need to have the conversation with my boyfriend also, just trying to find the right time. It's very scary to think about leaving someone you have made a life with, but if you're not happy then you need to talk about it. A lot easier said than done, I know, but needs to be done for you just as much for him.
I was were you are last year. And for many years before that! You will do what you need in time there is no rush. Take it easy and come on here for support when you need too! Check out the later in life forum. Where there is a small army of people who are and have been in your situation it's all good. Your safe here!
In agreement with Richie. I found this place only a few weeks ago (if that!) and have read "your story" many times. You're not alone, and you're among friends here. Take your time and don't place any more pressure on yourself than you're already under. (*hug*)
I'm sorry, didn't mean to make it sound like you needed to tell him about it right away. I was just trying to give you advice on how to go about it. Guess I'm not the best person to be giving out advice if i haven't even done it myself yet... I agree with them though, take your time and wait until it feels right for you.
you're not a bad person, and as Richie said, there is a whole army of us over in the Later section dealing with the exact same situation and emotions you're felling. You are not alone. You are not a bad person. You are not broken. You are not a bad parent. You are wounded by a culture the presumes we must have a heterosexual marriage with children to be a worthy member of society. The truth.is the married straight people.with kids are just as wounded as we are, they just aren't expected to justify themselves to anyone else because they get to call themselves "normal". Look forward to talking to you more. Hang in there, you're in better shape ant this point in your marriage and parenting than I was. And you have all of us here backing you up with open ears, empathetic hearts and shoulders to cry on. -Rich
Amen to what Rich and Richie said. It's hard for me to think of you as "Later in Life," but you are what you feel you are, and there's a lot of wisdom and experience over there. Come join us. You won't be sorry! (*hug*)
Hi everyone, It's been very crazy since I posted this. I finally told my husband and his reaction was not at all what I expected. He is upset but his feelings are more about him feeling like he failed. He said that he supports me wanting to be the woman I need to be but he still has trouble with the gay community. He does not support gay rights or pride rallies or anything like that but he has made it clear that he won't hold me back from attending anything like that if it helps me reach out to others. I thank all of you so much for posting such supportive and kind words and advice. One step at a time! I look forward to speaking more with any and all of you! Take care and love to all -One very happy Cole
Hi Cole, welcome to EC, there are a lot of us here. You will find lot of good people who can call your friends as they make it so comfortable. you keep on venting because everyone one of us is listening and atleast one of us is going through the same thing. It sometimes reassuring to find out that your not the only one in the world. Lean on us, share with us and you will get clarity. There's a whole new world out here... and I am still very new to it, but it's a nice place to be.
Hi Cole, Im in a similar situation, married 23 years with 2 kids. Told my wife almost 4 months ago and actually today was the day we were suppossed to file for divorce. About 2 weeks ago due to some circumstances, we decided to give it a try and see if we can work it out. Dont know if it will work or not but we are giving it a try. This site is amazing with alot of great people. I guess my advice would be to not rush anything, it sounds like your husband is willing to give you the time to try to figure things out.
I feel like I am going to be in your shoes soon, should I back out while I am engaged? Would you have if you knew what you did about yourself? I feel for your situation. No judgment here, as many have said those are normal feelings.
