Should I come out to my parents or risk them finding out from someone else?

My therapist told me once that the easiest way to get rid of the nagging fear that my parents would discover something was to tell them about it. That way, I'm not sitting there waiting for mum to come in and start asking questions or being horrible about things, because I've took the power to do that away from her. I've gone to her and made it clear that this is a thing that has happened and I'm not ashamed of it.

If it were me, I would want them to hear it from me in one way or another rather than from somebody else. I had this scenario going round in my head before I came out:

I went out dressed with my friends. They went in to a charity shop I volunteer at, I stayed outside. A guy I work with saw me and asked them if it was me, and without thinking, one of them said yes.

That man lives next door to my grandma (mums mum). So now I'm thinking that he knows and speaks to my grandma, and it's fairly well known my grandma and I are related because are town isn't that big. So what if he tells grandma? What if grandma tells mum?

Then I'm thinking that they will both be sitting there telling themselves it couldn't POSSIBLY be true because they wouldn't do that. That must be a lie or a mistake and basically spending time convincing themselves it wasn't real. Then when I eventually told them or they dragged it out of me, they would have spent ages preparing themselves to shoot it down. I wouldn't want them to have to opportunity to prepare a negative defence against it, it was hard enough when it was a suprise!

Sorry, rambled a bit. As for waiting...if you don't think they will do anything apart from be a bit bitchy and pretend it didn't happen then whether you wait or not is up to you. It's when you know your parents will throw you out or put you in gay-away camp or try to exorcise you or something you want to wait until you can leave.

 

Ellia's advice is sound. You lose all power in the conversation if you wait for someone else to tell them. Your parents may then approach you with hostility and demand answers rather than you approaching them asking for acceptance. You also may be surprised - they may have an easier time accepting you than you think especially since you've spent so much time trying to change their beliefs.

If you they react poorly do you have a local support system you can turn to even if just for emotional support?

 

The previous replies say it all. Tell them yourself, because if you don't, it opens the door for hostility, denial, and unpleasant confrontations.

 

How, could be as simple as just the words "I'm gay" either vocally or on paper. That really is down to whatever feels most comfortable for you.

As for when...debatable. But if it's really worrying you then sooner is better. As for finding the 'right time' just...I guess as long as they aren't in the middle of some sort of crisis or in a really bad mood, then any time could be the right time.

The thing is, you don't want to make a big thing about it. Realistically, it's not like your next move is to go out and organise a lesbian orgy in your living room or go get yourself painted like a rainbow and headbutt a bunch of homophobes, you're just able to date if you want to without worrying that they will find out. Don't make it bigger than it needs to be.

 

I agree you should tell them. If you find talking to people difficult then there is always the option of a letter. You can either read the letter to them, sit there whilst they read it or leave it for them to read whilst you are away. The advantages of the letter are it lets you say exactly what you want to say uninterrupted and without the pressure of trying to string the words together in the heat of the moment. You can write and rewrite the letter until you are happy with it.
You are right there will never be a right time, so sometimes you just need 5 minutes of bravery to just go for it.
You never know your parents might surprise you. My advice would be to pick your time, tell one of your friends what you are doing and perhaps plan to meet them afterwards or have them on standby so that if you need support and to go for a coffee afterwards they are there and waiting.