Hey Ec, Well, I still seem to be in a bit of a pickle and it's really getting me down. I am still stuck in the same situation that I have been for quite a long time - far too long and I just really want it to change so much. This is probably going to be very rambley and I am sorry for being so self-absorbed but to be honest I need some help - something that is a very new feeling. For so long I have had this obsession with trying to be "strong" and coping with things by myself. I find it hard to be open and talk to people about feelings but I'm working on that (Ec is the only place I seem to be able to do this). Anyway I first accpeted that I was gay on the 25th November 2007 (yes I know the date) and this was following a stressful couple of monthes for various reasons. Accepting it finally after it playing on my mind for so long was amazing. I had always known it was there, I was just afraid of it to the extreme that I was in total denial. All the signs were so clear looking back, and with hindsight it was very obvious and explains so many, what seemed like anomylies at the time. So I suppose as far as actually sexuality is concerned I still find it all a little hard sometimes but overall it is pretty clear at the moment. The problem really comes with the situation I am in. I know it's not life threatening and that on so many levels I am really lucky I just really am not enjoying things at the moment. I live in a very rural and close minded area. My school is same sex and very middle class with lots of people with money and a very narrow minded view on the world. Although it has never been directed at me as so few know I'm gay I seem to spend a lot of my time with people who are very homophobic. The culture seems to be that it is okay to say these things and no one bats an eyelid. This has just meant I feel pretty on edge with lots of the people I spend time with. As I have probably said before I am constantly worrying about how they would react if I told them - it scares me so much and I can't stop thinking about rejection from them. I am very different from most people I know my age, I always have been I suppose and I can't help but feel isolated from them. I'm really not happy doing most of the things they find enjoyable, so tend to go off and do my own thing. I have friends but none I am brave enough to be honest with in case I lose them. I just hate the fact there is so little diversity where I am at the moment meaning that I feel very trapped and alone. To be really honest, I'm just not very happy. I mean I am not constantly down, most people percieve that I am incredibly upbeat as I find it easier to act that way - it prevents questions about what is on my mind and I am quite an outgoing person anyway. I do have happy times where I enjoy myself, but as soon as I think about my actual life at the moment I'm just not happy with it and feel like I'm in a total mess. I have no one in person to talk to or rely on as I have a problem admitting I am having a hard time, or I drop hints but then chicken out of actually saying what is wrong. I need to stop this but I just feel like if I was honest with how I am actually feeling people would over react and I don't like the feeling of needing people. It's so silly but I still hang on to the feeling that I always need to be strong as if I admit I am feeling down people will think I am being pathetic. I don't even know how to describe it I think it's just the feeling of losing control?? At the moment I seem to have two options - Keep going as it is - which means still feeling isolated, emotional, stressed but safe from the fact that my sexuality/ hard time I am having is kept secret Tell someone else to find some more support and try to sort things out - but then that means opening up to someone else and so far out of the five people I have told only one has been at all helpful. I want to do the second option, but it scares me so much. I just don't know what to do about anything. In two years I can leave home to find somewhere more accepting and where I can finally be myself - something else which is also getting to me - the fact I am having to lie and be someone I'm not practically all the time. But untill then I am stuck exactly where I am now, not very happy, until I make a decision. I find it hard enough even to admit how much I hate things at the moment and how unhappy I am from having to be someone I'm not and a constant fear of letting people down or them rejecting me. So much is on mindset - I realise this - I have just thought about everything so much I am extremely confused and scared I will just get to a braking point - whatever that may be. I don't want to let people down, I am a perfectionist and I really need to chill. :help:
if your really that unhappy with your current situation then i think you should go with the second option. You should tell someone you really trust that will understand and accept it. Because being that unhappy isnt worth if if you could just tell someone who will support you. You dont have to tell anyone at your school. You shouldnt have to feel isolated from telling people how you feel. Just tell someone you trust how you feel and they wont think its pathetic if their a real friend. And just be yourself and not someone your not:icon_bigg You will only be letting people down by lying to them, so just tell the truth of how you feel when your ready. hope i helped some!
(*hug*) I'm sorry to hear how unhappy you are at the moment. I'll leave it to others to give you advice, all I can say is you are not alone. I understand everything you've said because I feel that way too, particularly at the moment. I can only tell you from my experience, keeping this all bottled up just causes more pain and anguish. So really the only advice I can give you is talk to someone. I know how impossible this seems (as I say, I'm in the same situation and I'm trying to convince myself at the same time), but look at it this way. You have at least two years before you can move away to a more accepting area, how do you want to spend those two years? I wouldn't be able to face another two years of misery Give some serious thought into telling someone, perhaps a family member or friend if that is an option, you might find they are more understanding than you think. If that seems too painful, consider a counsellor. It might not work out, I know you've had some bad experiences telling people in the past but try not to let that put you off. If it's a good counsellor they should be sympathetic and helpful. Don't worry about showing others that you're vulnerable, you won't let people down
Hi! First, as said above, you are not alone. We will help you to get through this. If you know someone that you can trust, feel comfortable with that this person knows about your sexual identity, and you think that could be supportive, you could try coming out to that person. As Davo mentioned, don't let your past experience hinder you. I do think that it is important that you have a strong support network, even if it consists of a handful of people. Often that is enough. A strong support network will give you additional support and something on which you can fall back on if you need to. Davo suggested seeing a counselor. I think this is an excellent suggestion. If you can, try seeing one. A counselor could also be part a of your support network. Talking to someone, be it a friend or a counselor will help you to start feeling better about yourself and you will not feel as 'excluded' or isolated. When you chat or talk with your friends try to be yourself. For a long time, I was never open about my problems or worries with my friends. I always thought that they don't want to hear about it or I am just going to make them go away. But nothing could be further from the truth. Talking to them about my problems and worries has actually allowed them to get to know me better and I was able to get to know them better as well. The friendship grew stronger rather than made it weaker. By talking to your friends you are showing that you trust them enough to open up about yourself. Everybody needs people/friends around them. Talking to your friends about your problems does not mean that you are weak. Rather, it means that you are strong because you found the courage to open up about yourself and tell someone else about your problems and worries. You have mentioned that you have a friend that is supportive and accepting. Try talking to that friend. I'm sure that this will help you. Never leave these kinds of feelings inside of you. It is always better to talk about them. I hope this helps a bit.
It's normal to feel terrified to tell people and to fear rejection from the ones who mean the most to you. I know you are unhappy that you have to hide who you are and I bet your tired of hiding but scared to death of the possibility of rejection. I was right where you are. First I would test the waters so to speak, I would find somebody who you completely trust and maybe bring up something gay related and see how they feel about it and then I would find the time and courage to tell them. After you tell that person and if it comes out positive (which I'm sure it will) they can help you and give you the support you need to tell other important people in your life. Believe me people who care about you are more supportive than you can possibly imagine. It sounds easy the way I put it and believe me its not but I know you can do it. Once you tell the first person you'll start feeling better and not so depressed. It really is like someone took a lot of weight off your shoulders. It does get easier I promise you. Good luck! Don't be afraid to show the real you! You'll feel a lot better. Do it when you feel comfortable.
Yahoo, your point about being strong. We all like to feel "in control" of our own lives. Sometimes admitting that we are not can be hard. We understand here, and you are not alone. I admire that you have accepted your own sexuality. I feel the next step for you is to feel comfortable with your own sexuality. I've lived in similar conditions. Some people, unfortunately, cannot understand things which are past their own spectrum of knowledge. That's not to say that everyone at your school is like that. There will be gays in your school, possibly in a similar situation to you. There will also be those who are empathetic and are able to be there for you. You may know who these people are. It comes across that your friends are anti-gay. I suppose this is quite common in such a community, but not all your friends are You could always take one aside who you know is trustworthy and tell them. You may want to consider speaking to a teacher about your worries. If you lack confidence in your friends, this is very understandable and may be the right thing to do. And you are never alone. There will always be someone who cares for you, and just wants to see you happy. Another option is to see a counsellor, even using your phone to use helplines. These will help you speak and get thing off your chest. It sounds like you are masking your problems with smiles. this is not always the right thing to do. Keeping a positive attitude is good, but don't ever pretend to be someone you are not. You will always have somebody to talk to. Biloved gave some good advice about bringing up the topic of homosexuality. If they say something like "I've got nothing against it", you may want to consider telling them the truth. Being more open to your friends does increase respect and trust in their eyes. I think you know what the right thing to do is. Weigh out the positives and negatives and go from there. It's your decision, so only do what you think is right. And take it slowly and carefully. But be brave, and not scared to be yourself. Because that's all you want to do, is show others your true colours. (*hug*)
I know how you feel about the being strong thing because I used to be like that myself. Once I didn't cry for an entire year. Trying to be so strong all the time is incredibly tiring and, in the end, will only make you feel worse. I understand that you find it hard to open up to people, but is there even one single person that you can confide in? Cos even that will definitely make you feel better. Trust me, it'll be a huge weight off your shoulders. And who knows? They might be more accepting than you think they'll be. I must say I've had a few surprises. Maybe you will too.
Thanks people.. It is totally my fault though as I seem to manage to talk myself out of trusting people by worrying about the worst possible scenario. I can't help it but I always see the negative outcomes. The only place I have someone to talk to is a teacher at school, but we are on holiday now so she isn't arround. I mean she did say I could go and see her if I needed to but I just feel bad relying on her so much and don't think I could build up the courage to see her outside of school anyway.... I want to, I just can't. I just wish I could get out of this feeling of having no where to go. I know I am the only one realy who can change but I don't know how??? Lots of people have said that I should talk to my parents but at the moment I don't think thats a good idea, although I am feeling so guilty about not telling them as I know they realise something is wrong and keep telling me I can talk to them about anything.... I just keep lying and saying that I'm just tired and that there is nothing wrong.... Why can't some one just tell me what to do, then force me to do it and then be there for me when I need them!! God I just feel so stuck and alone and whingey!!!
You might find this thread on happiness useful: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7176 (*hug*)
Hey, I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad (*hug*)(*hug*). I know you've had a really hard time so far in terms of who you've come out to and how they've reacted - unfortunately this makes you want to do the opposite that you need to do, which is to keep coming out to people until you find someone you can talk to. I think the advice that people have given above me is good, although I know you're in a really difficult situation and would prefer not to be forced out by circumstances - and your experiences so far with regards people's reactions and effects on friendships are probably really not helping you with feeling comfortable coming out to people any more than you have already. I too feel as though I have to be strong, and hate complaining and whining at people. I'd rather just be able to cope on my own, and I always think, when I'm discussing my situation, that people think I'm moaning - but actually, I don't think that's the case, and you DO have a reason to feel anxious at the moment, so don't worry about how you're feeling, or how you feel people will see you, and try and somehow let yourself open up to people. Although the fact that this has backfired on you in the past makes this really difficult, I realise. But do you know what? You only actually need one person, one friend, to react really positively to you coming out, for you to feel much better. You only ever really need one friend. I know you've come out to several people already, but once you've found a person you can really talk to, then you'll be able to slow down your coming-down process for a while. I mean, I think that you have been spectacularly unlucky so far, which I think has been really horrible for you (*hug*). IBut the next person you come out to (if you can find anyone suitable) could be the one to make everything all that much easier for you. If you can talk to your parents you should try, but I myself can't seem able to talk to mine so I do realise that this advice is easier to give than to take! But what I wanted to say is that I've been quite busy lately but if you need to talk in the next week or whatever to get things off your chest that's fine
