Within the last year, my brother who is in the military came out to me, at the time he wasn't sure if he was gay or bi (and was drunk when he told me). Although it was surprising to find out, I was still supportive and tried my best to let him know that I love him, that nothing is wrong with him, and that he was not going to hell for being Gay or Bi (religion is a important aspect for him and our family)(our family is very supportive of equal marriage and LGBT rights) Since he told me, we have not talked about and lately he has been heavily drinking and using drugs and has been sleeping around with a lot of women (and men I would suspect- but he doesn't talk about them or acknowledge his interest in them). He has been very depressed lately and suicidal and I worry what I can do to help him? Do I bring it up? Do I act as if he never told me and wait for him? What can I do to understand what he is going through and what he needs?
If he was drunk, He may not have remembered it, and may be doing all this drinking and drug use trying to repress whatever is eating away at him (his orientation) I would delicately bring the subject up with him
I was thinking the same thing, but am unsure of how to bring it up. He is very sensitive and I don't want to make him feel ashamed about it.
Maybe you could subtely bring up the subject of gay rights and say I wouldn't have a problem if a friend or family member came out to me and I hope they would feel they could come and talk to me about it. Or something along those lines.
I like that idea. I should have mentioned that he told my best friend before me who happens to be gay and frequently talks to him. (yes I am a bit jelly but I am glad he is talking to someone) I have many friends in the LGBT community and I think that is why I was the first in my family that he told, but at the same time I think he worries more about the religious stuff. I think he is also depressed and having a difficult time because he is in the military.
Yeah it can be a combination of several things that give you that outcome. It's great that he has someone to talk to even if you do wish it was you. You know him best so go with what you think. I feel like subtle hints are probably best to start with and see how it goes. If that doesn't work perhaps you could write him a letter.
I love the letter idea. I think that would be a good way to get the conversation started without him retreating from me. What do you think is an aspects of coming out that most people don't know about?
Hi KittyCat1 I know some people dont like the Gay Christian Network ( The Gay Christian Network ) around here, but I think its a FABULOUS resource for believers that are also gay. (assuming you are Christian, of course. If not pls disregard ) They have an extremely supportive discussion board there as well. I honestly think you should just be direct with him and ask him if he needs support or anything else and then just listen. If he doesnt want to talk tell him youre there for him if he ever needs anything. I really think loving and direct is best. ♥
Thank you! That is definitely something I will look into. <3 he means the world to me so I just want to see him happy no matter who it is. I think I am going to attempt the direct approach. I am really wondering what is like to have to come out and if anyone else has experienced the depression and self hate I him going through; and what helped them get through it as well.
With a sister like you I am sure he will get there. Before I worked out I was gay I just assumed that gay people knew they were gay and came out and that was that. I guess I hadn't really given it much thought. I knew that some people and some places were homophobic but coming from the UK and have a very accepting family I didn't think about it. In reality it's so much tougher, I felt so alone and scared. I felt like I was the only person in the world who felt like I did, and was going through what I was (not that I'm saying I thought I was the only person who was gay but I was coming out in my mid twenties and felt stupid because I hadn't realised earlier). I was literally terrified, I tried not to think about it, but it was always on my mind and when I was thinking about it, my heart would be racing, and I felt like that in the knowledge that my family were likely to be supportive. The mind is a powerful tool and before I came out to my family my mind had dreamt up all sorts of horrific worst case scenarios about what might happen. I felt like I could literally loose everyone and everything I treasured in my life. Sorry I've been going on and I'm not sure it's even helpful to you. Everyone's story and journey is different, it's hard and your brother has the military and religion which can both be homophobic. The point I'm trying to make is even if your brother knows you are supportive his mind might be telling him otherwise. The way forward and the choice you make probably boils down to how you think your brother will react. So if you speak to him face to face, do you think he will become awkward and defensive etc or do you think he will be at least willing to hear you out. If you think he might be defensive then perhaps the letter is better. You can write it and make sure it says exactly what you want it to say and he can read it in his own time, he doesn't have to face you whilst reading it, and any embarrassment will be kept to himself.
I loved reading about your coming out story and think it really opened my eyes to the individual difficulties he may be facing. I especially found comfort in you expressing how even though you knew they would be supportive you have formulated the worst scenarios. I really appreciate you sharing that with me. Thank you so much for your support and advice, it has been really helpful in me developing a plan of action for helping him.
