After 12 years of marriage and 3 kids with my wife... I'm still gay

The only reason a woman might not be happy with a gay is because she won't feel loved. Make her feel loved. Surprise her. She will forgive everything.

 

You'll find many guys here who are in the same situation or who have been in the past.

 

You're 31, which seems pretty young to me (but that's from my perspective). I see that this is your first post here. Try coming on over to the Later in Life Forum. We have all ages, including a 14-year-old who likes to hang out with us (Hi, Sup, if you're reading this). But most of us are in our late 20's on up to my age. Many of us came here with stories and anguish just like yours. And we're all here to help one another. You can just lurk for a while and read threads if you want. And then tell us more about yourself when you're ready. But as someone whose opinion I trust on so many issues (Hi, skiff) says, "We're all tribe."

I may be more than twice as old as you are, but I'm dealing with many of the same issues that you are.

Welcome! (*hug*)

 

I agree with Chip. In addition to individual therapy though it can also be helpful to see a couples counselor to get help with facilitating those difficult conversations and learning how to navigate whatever changes are ahead. Keep your head up. I know that must be an extraordinarily painful situation.

 

There are many of us that were in long relationships with the opposite sex, but like people said the Later in Life section would be a good place to look. It has many helpful people in similar situations to you, going through the same things. You'll find fantastic advice there.

 

Good luck, Mr. President. I'm in a similar situation - married to a great woman, great kids, great life, gay. Farther along in marriage and life than you are, but not as far along in my journey out of the closet. Maybe I'll get there, maybe not, but I do know there is a very supportive group of men and women on this site who feel what you feel and have been in your shoes.

I look forward to helping each other in our journeys.

 

And that for me is the heart of the dilemma... I'm completely gay, always have been, always will be. But at the same time my wife is the only woman I've ever felt an attraction and love for. Yes, in part that attraction and love came about due to the intense pressure internally to be compliant with expected norms of behavior. But, that does not diminish the fact that I do love her, even if the sexual relationship ended years ago. We have a daily routine, we've adjusted, and given some of our history since we had kids there's a pink elephant in the room no one talks about and pretends they don't see. But it is there, it smells and (for me at least) it is sucking the air out of the room.

Change is coming sooner than later. I've started therapy to deal with how to handle the changes that need to be made. Between sharing my story here, having a close friend and confidant to talk to face-to-face, and now therapy, I've made some significant progress from the complete mess I was just a few months ago. It is not an easy path we follow, but it is necessary to restore our own sense of integrity; anything less and we're not capable of being the partner, parent or friend we should be to the people in our lives we care about.