This seems ridiculous to even consider when I think about it logically but yet it is actually something I am considering. I grew up in a devout southern baptist family knowing I was gay. As a teenager I never dreamed of what my wedding day would look like because I knew I'd never have one. Getting married was always something that I never considered would actually be an option (granted I also thought acting on my sexuality would never be an option) but I grew up and came out over and over again to friends and coworkers and now I live totally out with this one exception: my mom. I live far away from her and just omit this huge portion of my life when we interact. This has worked fine for several years but now I do want to get married. My partner and I have decided that is the next step for us and I want it so much. I want the whole damned cliche white dress and diamond because my relationship is normal and I want to recognize it formally. I want to build a life with my soul mate. But then really what the fuck am I thinking? How do I just plan a wedding and not involve my mom at all? I can't invite my sister half way across the country and not have my mom know. And in all honesty she has to know on some level although she's quite good at denial. I don't know anymore what would hurt her more: to find out that she'd been completely excluded from my wedding because I'm too much of a coward to tell her I'm gay or just me coming out. I feel like I'm 15 again and all the years of progress and confidence are stripped from me. What do I do?
To be honest, I feel that your Mom would be more hurt from not being a part of the Wedding, than her daughter being gay. Most Moms dream of when their kids are going to get married and what they will wear and so on and so forth. If you do not want to tell her, that is your choice, but she is going to find out that you got married, that is a hard secret to keep from someone. I wish you all the best, and congrats on your up coming wedding.
Tell her. This is going to be one of the best days of your life; I think you should at least give her the opportunity to attend. I think phoenix is absolutely right -- while she may not be happy to find out you're a lesbian, I think she would be even more upset that you purposely excluded her from something so important to you. If she doesn't want to go or doesn't react well that will suck, but at least you'll have your soul mate to make everything right.
Congrats for the wedding! Hope you and your partner have an amazing wedding day :3 I think that you should tell her. She's your mom, and it would be better if she gets to know. Maybe if she sees the wedding, and how happy and in love you are, she will understand and support you.
I would tell her. It's just not possible to do something like that, to live your life like that, without your mum knowing.
You're already at the stage where almost nothing else can stop you. Scratch that, NOTHING can stop you from being who you are. Your mother would be more hurt because you're hiding such a big part of your life away from her. Being at a daughter's wedding is something a mother who cares about their child cannot miss. I'm sure she knows you choose where your life leads and she has no direct control. It'll also be unfair for her if she doesn't know. Whether she comes is another thing, but you've done all the right steps and she's the one to decide whether she will come. Regardless, I congratulate you on finding your soul mate and can only tell you in words how envious many of us are! Treasure your partner! Let us know how it goes!
Can I have a different opinion? Don't judge me... Do not tell her if that is gonna hurt you, after all, you had reasons for ommiting your life from her during these years. It was't clear if you did that to save her from The pain or to save yourself from being rejected by her. Time has passed. You might feel confortable now, but don't think you are ought to tell her or invite her. If she made you hide yourself from her, maybe it's because deep inside you always knew she wouldn't accept you. Otherwise, you would have came out to her sooner.
First I definitely don't judge you. Thanks for responding. While I fantasize about her accepting me and wanting to come to my wedding I know that isn't the case. Every time I think of telling her I remember her going "EWWW" and making this fucked up face when someone brought up homosexuality in conversation and not only that I know her religious beliefs place "God" above her children. I jut don't know how I can't come out anymore. I don't want to be the coward who lives out but then goes home and takes off my wedding ring. My partner doesn't deserve that. At the same time I don't know how to come out to her. the thought makes me nauseous. We've carefully constructed this quiet denial for years that allows us to pretend we have a normal relationship and I know deep down she has to know. She even asked me once but I denied it because I was still living with her and she told me she'd disown me.
Maybe you could write her a letter? You can say it exactly how you want to - and give her time to process things before she responds.
When are you planning your big day? If it is a year out or so then give your mom the space she needs to absorb that you are a lesbian. I know that you love your mother because you wouldn't be in this position if you didn't. But you love your partner also. What I am trying to say is that you are not living your life for your mother any longer you have to live your life for you. What makes you happy? Your partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with is truly who you love. Your mother will come around...honestly I know from experience. It took my mother years and I mean years to come to terms with me being a lesbian. After 16 years in my relationship with my partner, my mom is just coming to terms with I will NEVER marry a man. If she loved me (my mother) she would accept me or just tolerate me being who I am and who I love. My mother is very religious but I am her daughter and nothing she can say or do will ever change that. Accept me or don't, I love my partner and she was fully my choice in life. I would tell her someway somehow. So you could be free of your inner pain. And invite her to your wedding because that is the right thing to do. If she comes great, if she doesn't at least you gave her the respect and opportunity to attend. Just be on guard for rejection but at least you will be free. Free to be you! Best of luck to you and your partner.
You should tell her, maybe like uniqueusername3 said, write a letter. But remember: Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind. If she doesn't like your being lesbian, then she shouldn't matter in your life that much. But, if you do come out then make sure to say that it wasn't a choice that you made, it was simply something you were born with. That way, maybe if she just thought it was a lifestyle people chose to live she would know that you didn't chose to be a lesbian. And also, the bible never says anything about gay and lesbian love, it talks about gay and lesbian lust. And the bible talks about lust in general a lot, so it was probably talking about adultery and stuff, not saying gay sex is bad.
How about a letter that goes along these lines - you have good new to share - you have met someone very special and have decided to get married - it would make you very happy to have all your family and friends present on that special day - just so you know, this special someone is a woman - yup mom, I'm a lesbian - you realize it may be a bit of a surprise to her which is why you're letting her know before sending out an actual invite You could also use this opportunity to suggest for all 3 of you to meet at the next typical family event/holiday (as a "getting to know you", not to seek her opinion, cause you're getting married regardless - now to find a diplomatic way to say this lol)
So I had decided on coming out then I talked to my sister. It was a really painful conversation. I know she tried to spare my feelings but she said stuff to the effect of I love you but this is today wrong and why do you gays need to go getting married anyway? So, long story short she convinced me not to come out. My partner and I are moving ahead with wedding plans and have decided not to include my family. It feels incredibly sad but I think it's for the best.
