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On the verge of something bad

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bluesubmarine, Feb 27, 2014.

  1. bluesubmarine

    Regular Member

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    Hi, I'm completely new to this site. It's taken me a long time to accept that my sexuality is something I need to deal with, and even signing up to this site I worry, what if? What if one of my flatmates finds my computer, or my parents? I even lied about my birth date to make it less traceable. It's pathetic.

    I am 21 years old. I still don't know for certain that I am gay, as I have never been with a man, not even kissed, not even held hands. This thought simultaneously terrifies me and excites me. But the fear is far greater.

    I am not close enough to anyone in the world to whom I would be comfortable in telling at the moment. I've always been conscious of how others perceive me, and so have usually ducked out of conflicts and bullying, keeping myself to myself. I shouldn't care if people know I'm gay, but the truth is I do and I know people would judge me.

    I have a feeling 1 maybe 2 friends of mine would not be surprised. The rest would be stunned, I know it. My older sister has been openly gay since aged 18 and is so happy - a happiness I have resigned myself to never achieving. I guess this is a tentative step to see if I can change my own mind.

    I feel the majority of people go through their coming out 'process' in their teens, a time when you should be experimenting and finding out about yourself, in a million ways other than just your sexuality. But I passed on all of this, too afraid. At 21 I have done just about as much searching on the sexuality level as my 13 year old brother. I feel like it's too late. I'm about to graduate for fuck's sake, and I haven't even kissed a person I genuinely wanted to. All these feelings are culminating in a deep, horrible sensation in me that makes me feel like something bad is going to happen and I don't know what. It's hard to describe.

    I'd like to know if there are others who are feeling or have felt these emotions. And if so, what (little) steps can I take to start doing something about it?

    I apologise for the overly lengthy stream of consciousness. I haven't checked through this.
     
  2. I heart Owls

    Regular Member

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    Hey take a deep breath over there.
    First off your view of yourself is horribly skewed. Im 23 and have just only a month ago started really figuring myself out. And even though I just started dating a girl, this already feels healthier than my previous relationships with men. Its never too late! There are fifty year olds on this site just discovering their sexuality. Don't limit yourself in that way, you can be happy in your future like your sister. When your older you'll look back and think "Why in the world was I so stressed? It hardly matters in retrospect." Plus when you do finally get around to discovering yourself (whoever that may be) and share it with those you care about you will be more happy, excited, satisfied and free than you felt before that it will make up for the time (you think) you lost.
    So take a step back, take a deep breath, take time to figure this out, don't force it and stress out, you cant make these things happen by force, take a few risks and do what makes you happy. :thumbsup:
     
  3. Mist3rI

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    I was just also just a lost confused soul and I know I'm only 19 but the day I realised that people will always talk and criticise you, and find fault with you, you will never have them happy no matter how much of yourself you keep to yourself and that's when I realised that the only one that needs to be happy is you ... so if you're looking to find yourself and your sexuality then start by being with someone that makes you happy cause right now you need to feel happy with yourself and in time you'll be able to maybe start sharing a little of yourself with others and not keeping you all to yourself cause I bet you're awesome and someone deserves to get some of that awesome ... and in terms of the steps to take? There are 0 steps, do everything in your own time, labels and what other people think just throw that out the window it will make your decisions much easier