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My parents think that I'm gay and consider it as sin

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Shuuin, Jul 13, 2008.

  1. Shuuin

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    Hi, I've known about this website about a year ago and even if I'm not much of a contributor, this website has helped me alot. Anyway, something happened last night and it just literally left me disconcerted and upset. So here's the deal.

    I always knew that I was gay, and I've always been very depressed about not having someone to love. So for the past few days I'd decided to seek refuge in alcohol. Then my mother found out I'd gulped down half a bottle of red, resulted in a barrage of question from her about why I'd gotten myself so wasted, which of course I had absolutely no answers for. So I kept her guessing and when she finally came up with a seemingly legitimate reason why I got this way, i.e got into a big fight with a friend, I figured the fastest way to end the conversation would be going along with her.

    So the next day, my mother pulled my father in for an intervention cause they felt that something was obviously wrong with me. They sat me down and asked if the friend I had a fight with was a girl or a boy, so since they bought the excuse I was upset and drunk because of the "fight", I just thought it wouldn't matter if it was a boy or a girl that I got into the "fight" with.

    Anyway, right after I told them I had a fallout with a male friend from high school, the question "are you a fag" rose from my very parents. It didn't end here, they started to lecture me that homosexuality is abomination and wrong. Well, the thing is, I've never really prepared for that and never had I seen it coming, so all Ii could do at the moment was telling them I wasn't gay. That "no, I wasn't gay" coming from me really threw me for a loop because I've always been 100% certain that I'm gay.

    So when the intervention was over, I got to thinking what I should be feeling about my parents. Since they made it clear homosexuality was a sin, it had me question if I came out to them, would they stop loving me? The thing is my parents are supporting me and the rest of the family financially, so before I can take control of my life completely, I can't really take the chance of coming out to them. But the thought of having to live with them, knowing how they feel about me being gay is an abomination, I really don't know how I'm ever gonna feel about my parents. Should I keep loving them, or hate them, or even being indifferent about them? Please help.
     
  2. Jebs

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    Sticky situation here.. Obviously they have their suspicisions of your sexuality already, this wasn't just some random thought that had popped in their head. It also doesn't sound like they would be supportive.. the question "are you a fag" rose from my very parents. That just sounds so... 'a matter of factly' in my mind, I don't know how else to explain. It doesn't seem like they would be supportive at this very moment. But that could very well change over time, with a little bit of learning and acceptance.

    Should you keep loving them? I didn't know there was a switch to turn on and off with this. Just remember they are your parents and yes they love you. People make mistakes, that doesn't mean you should abandon them and deem them unworthy of love.
     
  3. Malchik89

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    Well, it really depends. Like i think you should go see if you could more so find out their total views on homosexuality. LIke if they think its an abomination they are clearly against it, but on like what level. If they are seemingly hostile towards homosexuals then yeah, it might not be the best results. However, you are they son and i am sure they love you. So if you come out to them, itll pry be ugly at first, but then time may heal what's been done. They'll react badly when you first tell them but parents like that just need time to deal with it. So it will be a slow hard process, but yeah you should completely be true to yourself, and that means being true to your parents also. It does sound like they need to do their research and educate themselves on the subjects of homosexuality.

    So yeah im sorry that it had to come to you dealing with alcohol, glad you stopped though. Really alcohol only makes things worse, just another problem on your shoulders. I really hope things work out for you! :]
     
  4. Lexington

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    A little more information might be helpful. How old are you? What country are you in? (Just trying to get an idea what the prevailing attitude towards gays is there, and what's expected of you in a generic way.) Not counting this incident, how is your relationship with your parents? Are they very religious? What are your current plans - college? job? The answers to these will help me help you a bit more, I think.

    Lex
     
  5. beckyg

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    Those are questions I was going to ask too. All these are helpful in finding ways to give you some good advice. Just the face that they used the word "fag" doesn't sound like they are going to be supportive and coming out is going to be really tough. If you are really young I would suggest putting everything on hold for awhile and maybe getting some teachers who are gay friendly as allies. You are going to need a support system around you who can reason with your parents. (*hug*)
     
  6. Shuuin

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    Well, I'm from a small town where people are generally very conservative about this, or should I say, they just don't get it at all why there are gay people. As for my relationships with my parents, we aren't exactly getting along, and we don't really talk a lot either. In spite of the awkward silence lingering around the house, I know they do love me as long as the fact of me being gay remains unspoken.

    I'll be going to college soon so I was thinking maybe I should just lay low until the whole thing blows over. It just doesn't seem like parents are gonna change what they believe in so I might as well spare them the truth for good. I'm not sure if this is the good idea, but perhaps I should cut them loose when I'm off the college. I am gonna lose my mind if I have to spend any more time with my parents under the same roof.
     
  7. sexyalex

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    lol that's funny...sounds like me with my Mom

    u just got f:***:ked right there. Father, they always make situations like this worse.
    That IS kinda random. Ar eu sure they never suspected from something else? I mean i am just 16 i have been getting wasted since i was 12 and my parents never once asked me once if i was a fag, and i have cried over males friends they know about before :lol:

    hold up! u are not under 19 are you? Cuz if u are, it's not support....onceur parents had u and brought u to this world they are obligated to give u everything they can as long as ur not of age of concent.


    Anyhow...Don't hate them. Your parents are just ignorant like any other hetrosexual in the world. Nevertheless, if they are very religous people it's best to just leave them be. Sociologits can tell you, the older you are the harder it is for u to learn and become accepting of something, because thoughout the stages of development u have been accustom to one thing and learnt one thing and this is the way it is suppose to go. So don't have high expectations in understaning from ur parents, especially your father.

    However, they are telling u it's a sin....have u asked why the sudden lecture on sins? and this is what i don't understand with the world. They claim here where i live that there are 2 types of sins. Sins God will forgive and Sins God won't. Well not my God i can tell u that much! cuz my emanuel is compassionate and wash away all my sins no matter what, as long as i surrender to him. In fact, sinz are just sins...there should never be a value on sins because they are ALLL WRONG! So if ur dad is gonna lecture u on sin, don't think too hard on it...i am pretty sure ur father isn't St. Peter anyways and ur mom isn't the Virgin Mary. :dry:


    And don't get wasted friends; please don't! In my opinion, real friends don't make their friends get wasted over them...so ask urself if he is getting wasted over u...is it worth it? Is ur health ur LIFE worth it? com'on. Think positive:thumbsup:


    -Alex.(*hug*)
     
  8. Sam

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    I'm sorry about what you are going through right now.

    When you get to college is there any way you could get a good enough job to support yourself? I know a lot of people who don't get financial help from their parents and are still able to go to school (I'm one of them). Why I'm saying this is because if they find out you are gay either from you telling them or some other way then you won't have to worry about them cutting you off financially because you will be supporting yourself.

    I think they already know you are gay but won't do anything as long as you don't admit it. Once you get to college maybe you should consider telling them when you're ready.

    about loving them- I don't think you can ever make yourself stop loving your parents I just don't think we are built that way and as far as hating them, they are the only parents you've got and they may have their faults but to start hating them would only make you unhappy as well and you would regret it when they are gone.

    I have a feeling like I said that they already know and I know they think its an abomination but I have a feeling that they may be like my dad who thinks its an abomination and that I'm going to hell but still loves me and that love makes him want to be in my life whether he agrees with my life or not. I think your parents are the same way.

    Try to get financially independent and then don't be afraid to live your life, you only get one so don't hide, get out there and be yourself, you'll be happier if you do. Good luck!

    Sam
     
  9. cityboy340

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    You shouldn't stop loving your parents, but I think that you should try and get more info about their views on gay people, like if you see something in the news ask them what they think about it, and then you can judge their reaction from that. My parents were like that too, and they even said they would kick me out :eek:, but I told my sister, who of course had to out me to my parents, and so far, they seem to be trying to be accepting (its only been a few weeks) but you may be surprised, but make sure that they aren't like living at church etc.
     
  10. ScentedRegrets

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    This is very tough for me to read. See, I denied my sexuality to anyone (my parents included) except for myself, all throughout high school and college. I even tried to date girls in college just to fit in. And you know what I got for it, NOTHING! I graduated college without ever having any form of date, let alone that first night of sex, with another guy. I never invited a guy over (or got invited over by another guy) and departed with a kiss. I never did any of this because I wanted to deny to others who I really am. And now I am a 23 year old virgin and single because of it.

    It is very tough to come out under these circumstances. But I think you should ask yourself, which is worse, denying yourself the same way I did and live a lie, or be truthful and honest to your parents, but more importantly to yourself? I just hate to see you deny yourself four years of what could be the best times of your life. I don't want you to waste four years of college without the prospect of finding a boyfriend, let alone a life partner, in college. Those are four years of my life that I can never get back, and I don't want you to do the same thing. Please update us on how everything goes.