Hi and thank you for reading my post... I don't know what I'm going to get out of this, or if anyone will get anything out of it... but for what its worth, I have no one else to talk to about this. Sorry in advance for the giant wall of text, but here it goes. I'm 28 and for as long I could remember, I've thought of myself as a straight male. I've always been attracted to women and I still am. I've had a few girlfriends and I am currently in committed straight relationship with one, we've been together for a few years. The symptoms of my sexual change started a few years back, after I completed my military service... it was an interesting time for me. For the first time in four years, I had freedom to do whatever it was that I wanted, I had a great income and going to school of my dreams... and best of all, tons and tons of time to just kill on whatever I felt like. At that point I was involved with a different woman than I am now, and we had a nice relationship. However, almost without warning, after I got out of the military, I started having an intense fantasy about men.. More specifically, I remember fantasizing about how it would feel to suck a man's penis and have him cum in my mouth. I remember that fantasy so vividly, it was the strangest thing, as it struck without warning. This fantasy, coupled with my personal motto -to live life without regrets, led me to look on craigslist for potential male hook ups. I don't know if it was faith, luck or just the universe simply saying 'you need to try this', but I was able to connect with a male ad in the casual encounters section. What caught my attention, was the picture of his penis. I remember thinking to myself, that it was really hot and I wanted to wrap my lips around it. We met a few days later. The day we hooked up, I remember being completely and utterly terrified and nervous as I parked my car and was getting out of it. I remember telling myself to calm down and that I was already there and to just go through with it, so that I would know the experience and if I actually liked it. When I walked into his apartment, he greeted me politely and let me in. He was wearing board shorts and nothing else, we made slightly awkward small talk and went into his bedroom. I remember asking him to close the blinds, because I was so afraid of anyone spotting me there. I remember being nervous as I stood there and watched him close the blinds, then he turned around and took off his board shorts and my attention was instantly focused on his gorgeous large veiny penis.. He sat at the edge of his bed and I got on my knees and I remember putting my mouth on his still soft penis... I remember thinking to myself how soft and smooth it felt as I started sucking it. I remember being frightened, confused and turned on at the same time as his penis got harder in my mouth and I could feel it filling up my mouth. It was an awkward and awesome in a weird way moment. Long story short, he ended up sucking me off and I came in his mouth.. after I came, I remained cool but I remember thinking to myself "this is wrong, I want to be out of here" and so I told him and he was very understanding and we said our goodbyes and I left. fast-forward a few years to the present and I have been continuously "experimenting", each time I cum, I always have the feeling of guilt and disgust with myself and with what I'm doing. I've been with 3 men in total over the course of 4 years, him, another guy I hooked up with twice and transgender about six times. But I've continued to stay in touch with my original guy, we tend to hook up every few months, maybe twice a year at most. And every time, it was always the same, I remember the fantasy always getting me to the point where I can't think about anything else but his penis in my mouth. Every time, the experience is more intense however, I notice myself getting slightly more "comfortable", letting myself actually touch his body and not just his penis, allowing him to rub my butt hole with his fingers. One day, I let him slip his fingers inside my ass while I was going down on him and it felt slightly uncomfortable but pleasurable. Fast forward again (keep in mind this has been going on for a few years, each time I got more comfortable): We hooked up at his place, and he was shoving 3 fingers in my butt and as I was on my knees kneeling on his bed, I remember him standing up and tapping his rock hard penis on my anus.. and I remember feeling so turned on and just him standing behind me with his fingers gripping my ass cheecks and pressing his penis against my anus.. it was already lubed up from him fingering it... and he just started pressing forward and I remember feeling pressure and being completely rock hard myself from the anticipation as I felt his rock hard penis slide inside my ass and I thought to myself... "that feels amazing, wow". He was very slow and went in about halfway in, and slowly pumped my ass... until he pulled out and came all over my back. It was weird, but it felt normal. The last time we hooked up, we went all the way, I sucked his penis and he made me bend over and rammed my ass until he pulled out and shoved his penis in my mouth.. I remember how hot it was.. Just feeling his thick rock hard penis pumping thick warm cum inside my mouth, and swallowing it all, my hands massaging his balls as he gagged my throat with his throbbing penis.. I'm getting hard just thinking of it.. So here's my dilemma... I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm not attracted to men, at least none that I see on the street. I don't find myself checking out guys, but I get hard just thinking about the last time. Recently I've been watching a lot of gay porn and more and more I find myself enjoying it, whereas before I thought it was gross. I want to hook up with him again, I want to see if this is really what I want in life.. I feel like every time we hook up, its always a new fantasy afterwards.. but the last time, we went all the way, so maybe its not a fantasy anymore. I don't know. But here it is, I guess. Thanks for reading, and tell me what you think about this, maybe you can make better sense of it than I have. What am I afraid of?
Hey! Welcome to EC. And, probably what you are afraid of is rejection. It isn't always rational rejection, I know for a fact that my parents would accept me and I still hesitate to come out to them. But we live in a world where homophobia is a big problem. We here so much about homophobia that it can be hard to expect other reactions from people. The two people I came out to have got to be the best of friends, Nandi knew they would accept me. But I still am shy around them after coming out to them, because they know something about me that nobody else does. Just remember before you get too gloomy, there are plenty of accepting people out there as well. In fact, I'm pretty sure that in most places homophobia is the minority.
Hi, sdman86. What can I tell you is to embrace what you are and what you feel inside. I can just tell you that in all the years of struggling with my sexuality, I tried several times to repress my attraction for men. That exclusively led to feel it even stronger. Guess what, when I started accepting, I felt the attraction for girls growing stronger at the same time. I know that I'm more attracted to men, but I do notice the attractive women around me, and I sometimes have sexual dreams about it. In your case you might be bisexual and heteroromantic, meaning that for you sex can work with both genders, but romance is exclusive to girls. Nothing wrong with it, just one of the endless shades of human sexuality.
