1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Struggling with coming out to straight friend who I consider to be a second father

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ScottyTotti, Mar 3, 2014.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. ScottyTotti

    ScottyTotti
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Hi people,

    I want to say firsthand what a truly important forum this is for people like myself who is currently going through the coming out process. There is some advice that I need on coming out to the most important friend in my life. But first a little background on me...

    I'm a 29 years old man who has recently come out to my parents and one sister - I am planning to come out to most of my immediate family this weekend. I won't lie, it has been extremely difficult emotionally, I have known that I'm gay since 12 years old but kind of tried to deny it/hide it away so grew up pretending to be straight - so my parents were totally shocked when I told them the truth, they had no absolutely no idea but they accepted it straightaway and will support me all the way - thank god I've got wonderful parents! I'm quite confident rest of the family will be OK as we're very close. One of the main reasons of me coming out was because I just got sick of hiding who I really am, and the stress build up to a point where it caused anxiety attacks last summer and through recovery I realised that I can't run away from myself any longer. So now I'm trying to come out to more and more people but I'm taking my time - I've been good at hiding myself for 29 years so I can wait a bit longer and go at my pace....

    The thing is none of my close friends know about me being gay, it has been on my mind for a long time to tell them and in particular one friend that has been like a father figure. He's a lot older - around 60 years, married with children, and I think the world of him as a friend. I almost told him last weekend at the pub when it was just us both but I felt that it was unfair to tell them in a public place - he doesn't show his emotions much and I was scared that he would walk off in shock or disgust. So I am thinking of emailing him - but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I just fear that he will be furious that I've lied to him for so long about who I am - and allowed us to be so close. He has said some homophobic things in the past but other times he has shown support and understanding so I'm not sure what his response will be. I don't want to risk losing his friendship as I will be destroyed if he doesn't accept who I am and stops being my friend. So what do you think people - any similar experiences or advice you can tell me before I take the final step.
     
    #1 ScottyTotti, Mar 3, 2014
  2. Ravi-VIXX777

    Ravi-VIXX777
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Male
    Re: Struggling with coming out to straight friend who I consider to be a second fathe

    I personally would email him if confrontation is too scary. This may sound harsh but if he is truly a good friend, then he will accept you for who you are. Congrats on getting courage on who you are (*hug*)
     
    #2 Ravi-VIXX777, Mar 3, 2014
  3. Etak

    Etak
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In the U.S.
    Re: Struggling with coming out to straight friend who I consider to be a second fathe

    I came out to my Sensei a couple months ago. I was really nervous because he's a very traditional Japanese man, and he has a very prominent role in my life. He was totally fine with it, and told me that it didn't change anything. A couple weeks ago, my really old-school grandmother who wouldn't let my mother date a black man outright asked me if I was interested in girls, and then told me it didn't matter to her. People can be surprisingly accepting. Just be who you are. In the words of Dr. Seuss, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
     
    #3 Etak, Mar 3, 2014
  4. ScottyTotti

    ScottyTotti
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Re: Struggling with coming out to straight friend who I consider to be a second fathe

    Thank you for your comments - I feel a bit more hopeful now - and also I have to remember that I have a lot of other friends too that will replace him if he doesn't accept me. But deep inside I think it will be fine - I'm just really anxious about having to do it.
     
    #4 ScottyTotti, Mar 3, 2014
  5. Treasury

    Treasury
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2013
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, ON
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Re: Struggling with coming out to straight friend who I consider to be a second fathe

    Absolutely! It is already a great step that you realize that this is a time where you a) will have the weight of hiding yourself dropped, and b) realize who your true friends are.

    I think you're at a point where you are accepting yourself fully and truly for who you are, and this is the stage where you are proud of yourself, and ready to face the world :slight_smile:

    Cheers man! I hope it turns out fine! Let us know if we can be of help!
     
    #5 Treasury, Mar 3, 2014
  6. Yossarian

    Yossarian
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1,814
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: Struggling with coming out to straight friend who I consider to be a second fathe

    Just tell him that he is a very valuable friend to you and that you want to tell him something that you have been afraid to tell because his friendship means so much to you that it will devastate you to lost him, but that keeping this from him is causing you so much stress that it is killing you. As a friend, he will likely be concerned for you and wanting to help, so you tell him your "secret", which may cause a few tears for you. If he is a friend worth having, he will want to comfort you and tell you that he is OK with it. If he isn't, then like you say, you will have to move one to someone who is.
     
    #6 Yossarian, Mar 4, 2014
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)