I've been having some trouble with coming out for some reason. I think I know why, but it's something that I'm not sure there's a solution to. As a kid - about eight or nine, before I knew what homosexuality was, anyway - when my classmates first stared "dating" I told my stepfather, who no longer lives with me, that I wished I was a girl so I could date my friends. His reaction was very bad (I can kinda understand why), and he tried several things to basically make me strait, such as teaching me how to fight, shoot a gun by yelling at me when I wouldn't shoot (there's more to this story than I'm willing to say, it's one of my worst memories), etc., etc.. He was extremely mean to me, and made a point to call me a fag or a sissy whenever possible, told me I was worthless, and sometimes became violent with me. Now I'm eighteen, and I've known I'm gay basically ever sense I learned what the word meant, but I've never been able to talk about it. I know my mother and step-father, a different one of course, are accepting of homosexuality, but it's like there's something physically preventing me from saying the words. No matter how I try to rap my brain around it I really don't get anywhere. I'm not even afraid of a bad reaction, I know they'll react well. I sometimes wish I didn't have to come out at all, and I've tried being attracted to girls so I didn't have to. I've found I have almost no sexual or romantic attraction to women at all, and I've gotten so used to hiding certain traits of my personality that it's made me pretty isolated. I want to get this off my chest so I can actually be myself in front of my parents and the few friends I do have, it's pretty exhausting pretending to be somebody your not. It's stressing my parents out to, I can see. I've never had a girlfriend and my mother has started to blame herself. The thing is that throughout my entire life she's been telling me about how she has this picture of me in her mind of all the girls chasing me around, historically this has proven true, and being a girls perfect boyfriend (which I am well suited for, despite a distinct lack of interest in women). The only times I've ever questioned my homosexuality is when, say, I've seen my sister deal with boyfriends who treat her like crap. It makes me feel a bit guilty, and then I'll try to be strait for a while again with absolutely no success whatsoever (I've had one girlfriend who lasted three weeks my entire life, and I dated her with the intention of getting people to stop calling me gay, however terrible a thing that is to do). I've come to the conclusion that being gay is the only way for me to be happy, but I can't tell anybody, I can't even come up with the words, and I'm in an advanced placement English class. (why can't I use tab on this site, by the way, that annoys me) Anyway, It's just nice to have a place where I can talk openly about this. Sorry for the story and such, I know it's a bit long. What I'm trying to get at is that I'd like some advice on how to get around this previous judgement, come out, and get a move on with my life.
Well, from one AP student to another, those English classes don't give you the words for coming out to your family -- or anyone, for that matter. If you're worried about starting the conversation, there are several ways to do that. First off, you could write a letter to your parents. I've heard several stories about coming out via letter. Just tell them all of the stuff you're going through and that your mom shouldn't blame herself for you being gay. There's nothing you or she could do about that. (I don't mean that in a bad way.) Maybe even make a joke that instead of girls, you'll have all the guys chasing you around. Another option if you don't want to have to initiate the conversation is to "accidentally" leave something around that would prompt them to say something, such as leaving this site open or leaving a gay story somewhere they would see it. That gives them the option to interpret it how they want to and choose how they want to react to it: they can either choose to ask you about it and you come out then, or they can choose to not say anything about it. If they choose the latter, you don't know why they chose that, but it's probably because they figured it out for themselves and don't feel the need to ask you. After you know they've seen it, gradually start acting more like you want to in front of your parents. Just let them initiate any conversations about sexuality. As for your friends, I would say the letter thing would work best with them. You could send them a group message or something, of if you're still in high school you could slip a handwritten note through the slats of their locker (I know, very middle-school-crush, but it gets the message through). TL;DR version: if you can't think of the words to say, write it down. That way you can change it and finalize it before you give it to them. Or find a way to let them initiate the conversation.
Hi Swan, So I quoted just bits and pieces of your post. I think the four passages above form a really good picture of where you are emotionally. You said that you had a bad experience with your former stepfather, yet you're pretty sure your mom and current stepdad would be accepting. But you still seem burdened with your mom's (and society's) expectations for a man--date girls, get married, have kids, etc., etc., etc. Those are their expectations because we live in a hetero-normative world. These are exactly what almost all parents' expectations would be for their sons. But parents can shift expectations. You love who you love, but that doesn't mean you can't have all the other things your parents wish for you: kids, a home, a loving partner. You've tried dating girls--doesn't work for you. So you're gay. Have you accepted that fully about yourself? Or are you burdened by the shame that a hetero-normative world has placed on you--intentionally or not? Watch these videos--they may help. Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Talk Video | TED Try writing a letter to your mom and stepdad. Try to speak from your heart. Then read the letter and decide whether you truly accept yourself. You can take all the time you want to edit your letter. And then, when you're ready, you could: - Read it to them aloud. - Hand it to them and ask them to read it while you sit with them. - Leave it for them when you go to school one morning. Let us know how thing go. We all care about one another here. (*hug*)
Just do it. It is OK to be nervous, just try not let it get in your way. I know, easier said than done. I'm currently struggling about coming out to my mom who already once said that she would be fine with me being gay. But, back on topic. Writing a letter or sending a text or an email, they can help if you just can't bring up the courage to say it to their faces. Be sure to consider it!
Coming out is difficult, and I can imagine that would only make you more nervous. I guess my advice would just be to find someone you know will be accepting and who you know you can trust and find whatever the right time is to come out - whether you take them aside or it just sort of comes up in conversation. For me, I was most comfortable around a close friend, but it sounds like your parents would be another option. As suggested above, be out to yourself and be sure you feel comfortable with who you are. Then just realize that whoever you find will accept you and love you despite fears. I know it helped me to set a date - specifically October 11th, Coming Out Day. That's a while away though, and it looks like the nearest other date is June, Gay Pride Month. So if you are ready to come out before then, just go for it whenever you're okay. And a final thing: no matter how bad you might think coming out could be, finding someone who is accepting will really help. At the very least, the pressure of keeping a huge part of yourself hidden will be released.
If you cannot articulate it through speech, why not write it down. It doesn't have to be a grand memorial ceremony either. Why not write down, I'm gay. It's simple and two words! I'm glad your other dad is behind you, you deserve better than that my friend. Love yourself (*hug*)
BY letter or by word of mouth, you will eventually have to "just do it". If you have a crush on somebody or a special best friend, start talking to your mom about him, and tell her that you really like him and being around him and doing things with him. Basically, just try to create opportunities where your mom might ask you if you are gay, with her on the hesitant and defensive side of the fence by wondering if she should ask you. Then, all you have to say is "yes, I think so" when she does ask. Or you could drop hints, by grabbing some coming out literature at your local LGBT center, or asking for such pamphlets online, or printing them online, and then leaving them around where the parents might "accidentally" find them and start the conversation with you. Let them help you come out to them.
Finally did it! Thank you all. It's funny, I really didn't anticipate the difference it would make. I feel much better than I've felt in years. Even homework is much easier, and the anxiety has been greatly reduced. I still haven't told the therapist, but I don't really think I need too. Coming out has done more than years of therapy could ever hope to achieve. A great weight has been removed from my shoulders.
Well done !!! Its amazing how a childhood experience … like your stepfather.. can mark you for life.. but now you are fighting back !!! Hurrah !! :eusa_clap
Congrats! Though I would tell your therapist if I were you. They're great at helping deal with problems and situations, it'd basically just be a positive move.
Hi. A belated welcome, and congratulations on coming out! I think it is important to tell your therapist as it will influence the course of your therapy in a positive way. And as you're already seeing, being free of that weight makes a huge difference in how you feel about yourself and the stress you have in your life. I'll second the recommendation to watch Brené Brown's videos. Her work is smack in the center of the issues of shame and lack of authenticity and aloneness that many LGBT people feel, and I think you'll find her videos interesting and inspiring in a way that will help move you toward greater self-confidence and self-esteem. I'll also encourage you to stick around and continue sharing your thoughts and contributing to the conversations. It will be helpful both to you and to the community
