Let's be honest for a second...maybe the first time I've ever been honest with myself. It's so much easier on paper (or computer screen). I'm gay. I think. No, I know it. Ever since I can remember, I've always been curious about the male figure, and when I hit puberty that curiosity turned into attraction to other men. I always told myself that it was normal to have these feelings, and that most guys did. I never talked about it with anyone, but I always just assumed that everyone had those thoughts. Whenever girls are attracted to me and I find out about it, I freeze up. I make up some lousy excuse to not continue with the "relationship." One girl had a big nose (she really did), one girl was too ditsy, one girl was too short. Regardless of whatever disfigurations I could convince myself and other people that they had, all of my female love interests shared one quality: they failed to sexually arouse me. This didn't inhibit me from engaging in sexual activities with females. Every time I'm faced with a new opportunity to have sex with a girl, I try to justify it with thoughts like, "maybe this time I'll be able to pull through," or "maybe this time I'll like it." That never is the case. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm hurting people because in the back of my mind, I know that I'll never let this "relationship" progress into anything beyond a close friendship. Ok, so now that I've explained that part of myself, I think it's pretty clear that I'm gay. I'm just not comfortable saying it. Even now, as I type the words "I'm gay," I'm terrified of what those two words actually mean. And I would never want ANYBODY to read them and associate them with my name. Is this normal? I know that accepting yourself is part of the coming out process, but I've known I was gay since middle school. I'm now about to graduate college, and I'm still not comfortable with it. I'm not religious, nor is my family. In fact, I think my family would be more than accepting any sexual preference I may have. There's just something in my mind that is a huge step. I'm terrified of what people will think of me if they find out. I keep hearing stories about how people are so much happier when they are out. I'd love to be honest and open to everyone, but I'm like a deer in headlights, frozen in the closet. Help! Anyone have any advice?
wow this sounds identical to my story I felt like I was about to explode if I didn't tell someone or do somthing I think that coming out to someone who you know will be accepting of your sexuality is the firststep That is what I did and it felt great like even being honest with just one person Accepting yourself is a giant step forward I also suggest maybe sending a note or email to a friend telling them your gay In case you feel anxious or uncomfortable telling them in person It wasn't your choice to be gay It's always helpful to remember that Good luck hope this helped!! And welcome to EC! I just joined here as well and have found it extremely helpful
Welcome to EC! It sounds like you're pretty sure you're gay, but you haven't really and truly accepted it. I mean, you've accepted your height and your basic body shape and all that by now, right? They're just parts of what you are. You may not be crazy about them, but you've grown accustomed to them. It sounds a bit like you've sort of pushed your homosexuality aside - not really denying it, but sort of saying "I'll deal with that later". ...and here you are. So I'm guessing it's now "later". One thing to keep in mind. Being gay means one thing - the people you're attracted to are male. That's it. That's all. Everything else is optional. You don't get a pair of rainbow short shorts and a Cher CD upon entry (unless you want them). Yes, there will be people who will assume certain things about you because you're gay. But there are people out there who will assume certain things about you because of your nationality, your gender, your college degree, everything else. If they want to think you're something-or-other because you're gay, that's their issue, not yours. So what to do? Baby steps. Keep saying it. "I'm gay." Until you can say it to yourself without feeling a knot in your stomach. Also, I'm guessing you don't know any other gay guys. If that's true, stick around. Get to know some of us. Read other posts, chat a little, get involved in some conversations. As you get more used to other gay guys, you'll probably feel somewhat more comfortable with your own homosexuality. Only once you feel cool with it should you go into the next step - telling others. Take your time. No rush. Lex
Welcome NeedingHelp, It’s perfectly normal to have difficulty accepting our sexual orientation. The term is internalized homophobia. Unless you were raised and live in an extremely liberal environment, you grew up with homosexuality being something abnormal and negative. As much as our brain tells us that it’s perfectly normal, our indoctrination via education, society, the media, and family lead us to believe that heterosexuality is what we should strive for. Who wants to be “abnormal’? As you meet other gay people, you’ll find them to be quite normal and as diverse as the rest of the population. Another thing is that we often have an underlying fear that once we come out, we have to change something, like our appearance, the way we act, the music we listen to, etc. Frankly, when I realized that I was gay, I said “Damn, I don’t even know how to act gay .” Two years later, I’m still the same person and no remarkable changes except for my main boyfriend. I still don’t like Madonna, nor do I worship Abba, and I’m still not a “Dedicated Follower of Fashion” (love that Kinks song). So take it slow and become comfortable with yourself. Being gay doesn’t close any doors behind you, it opens up new ones that are beautiful and very satisfying. Just being able to be yourself and not having to put up a false front is perhaps the single most liberating aspect of coming out. You’ll appreciate it once you’re finally there. I wish you luck on your journey. :smilewave
I have a very similar experience as you. I joined EC almost a month ago and I was a total wreck. I was so confused about my sexuality and was ready to explode. On my first posting I said I'm Gay. That was a big step for me. Until then I never verbalized or wrote this to anyone. Now I am comfortable with myself and a lot happier. Take your time don't rush anything. Once you feel conformable with your sexuality everything will fall into place. Good Luck!
Although it wasn't as bad as you (or was it?), I did have a lot of trouble accepting it myself as well. It's not until I came out to a comfortable number of people that I truly embraced it. But joining here and realizing you're gay are good first steps. For me, it really helped to browse EC and eventually post. We're here for you!
Hi NeedingHelp. Just take your time. Relax. Saying and writing the words "I am Gay" are the start of accepting who you are. But again take it easy and gradually see how it feels to wear it. Read some EC stories and post some thoughts . There's lots of people here that have felt the same. You're in a good place now.
omg u r like me a year ago! I no exactly how u must b feeling. I think the 1st step u hav 2 do is get used to saying i'm gay. I mean i still find it a lil weird now sumtimes. For example 2 days ago i came out 2 my sister, the only person hu didnt know. And as i sed I'm gay, it almost sounded like sum1 sitting nxt 2 me had sed it and not me. But most of the time, it doesnt phase me now. U jst hav 2 sit nxt 2 a mirror and say it time and time again. And once ur comfortable with it all, then u can start to think about telling others, but until then, dont think that far ahead into the future. Ow and the thing about the like i no im gay but i dont no im gay thing. I waz the exact same, the thorts of if i accept it and come out 2 people, then i cant go back if i change my mind and decide im not gay after all. But the truth? You can change again. I mean until now people think ur str8 and u go gay. So u can then change and go bi or str8. Ur not closing any doors on urself. Hope all goes well NeedingHelp. Please, let me no how it all goes and go and tlk 2 urself in the mirroe, sounds creepy, but gets results lol (*hug*)
Hi there and welcome to EC. Your story isn't much different from almost everyone's. We all arrive at that point eventually. Some younger, some older than you. It is totally normal. So don't sweat it. Lex gave some great advice - as have the others that have already posted. I found it incredibly useful to just hang out in here! This site is wonderful - and the more you read and participate, the more you realize that being gay doesn't mean all that much. There are a huge variety of people that participate here. I'm 37, white, a professional accountant, a car enthusiast, a certified scuba diver, and a father of two little girls. I think part of the reason we feel so scared at first is that we feel alone. But you're not alone. You're in VERY good company. Good luck. And again, welcome to EC. It's a GREAT site.
Welcome to EC I still find the words "im gay" hard ot say. Perhaps because i rarely used to say it (when i was locked in that darn cupboard) You just need to adjust yoursefl and get used to the fact. I was really scared of being gay and what in entailed until i joined EC. Its wierd and amazing how much this place has helped me. (Only 1 person knew before EC, now...everyone. And that was what...a month ago maybe?) Hope you enjoy it here, as people have said^ It really is a wicked site . And things will turn out fine and you'll be as comfortable wiht yourself as ever... Henson
Needinghelp..... Everybody has already given you great advice. I just wanted to say welcome and I think you will find some really good people to help you feel comfortable in your own skin here. There is nothing wrong with being gay its simply a natural variant on human sexuality. Just be yourself and everything will be fine.
Agree. Greetiing Needinghelp, u said ur pretty much sure of ur sexuality but i would beg to differ. Ur confused, ur not accepting and not accepting means ur not comfortable with only ur oreintation but urself as well. As Becky said, be yourself and you will be fine; in addition, u have an inner confilict with urself, appart from people who ur affraid of what they may say. So u need to work on that inner conflict, try to ivaluate why u feel this way and how can over come it even if it means comming out to someone close to you because that may else some tension. Nevertheless, as always say(look at signature) in life people are always gonna say shit about you. It is not what they say that counts, it's what you reply to. And not just ur sexuality, but anything at all, if u make what people are saying or are going to say about u put u down...there is a 80% probability ur never gonna make it far in life, like that. -Alex.(*hug*)
Hi and welcome to EC! I'm 31 and I have only recently accepted myself and have started to come out. Your worries, and your feelings are similar to the ones I had and still have. But with time you will be able to get through this. Empty Closets is here to help you. As Jim has said you are not alone in this. Stick around and feel free to post or private message us with anything that you want and need to talk about. What I would add to the great advice given already, it might help talking to a counselor/therapist about your feelings, fears and worries. Personally, it has helped me a great deal just to hear all my thoughts out loud and to make sense of it all. A counselor could be an important part of your support network that will help you to get through all of it. Welcome!
