first, I just want to say that I'm so glad that this site exists and it is already helping me feel much more at ease... so, I've been questioning my sexuality for probably 1.5-2 years. In retrospect, I think I've known all along that I'm not straight and just kept it subconsciously hidden from myself. I've never been really attracted to boys or male actors, save for a couple of crushes early on in HS. i.e. if I was attracted to an actress and wanted to see her movies for her I'd say it was cause of the interesting plot or make up some other excuse. I made this up for other aspects of my life as well--being attracted to or wanting to kiss a girl, etc. Senior year of hs, I sort of "woke up", and started to consider that I am not straight, maybe bi,maybe gay, whatever. This sort of helped me to make more sense of myself, feel less insecure on the relationship front (in hs, I wondered what was wrong with me that I had no bf, nor that I couldn't think of guys that I would even want as a bf), etc. My problem now, is that it's two years later. I took a year off last year to study abroad and lived in a country that, while I love its culture and people, has very old fashioned views of homosexuality. so I basically spent a whole year, with my feelings getting stronger/more confusing with no one to talk to about this. I feel very sad and depressed because I feel that I have these feelings bottled up inside and want very much to talk to someone about them. The depression also has to do with some other emotional issues (readjusting to life in the states, this low self confidence that I have had for as long as I can remember, etc.) I don't have any gay friends and, while I know that my family would ultimately accept me (they are pretty open minded), I don't want to discuss this with them until I've sorted everything out myself. The funny thing is, I am very scared to label myself. I always think of "what ifs" as to whether or not this is true or I'm over reacting. How can I just come to terms with this myself? I am starting my freshman year of college in the fall and was thinking of maybe joining an LGBT group at school, but again, I seem to have this strange stigma about even admitting it to myself all the way. Basically, this has just been sort of bothering me a ton for a while now and it was only this last month that I even made myself go on this site. Any tips with how to cope?
Welcome to EC! It takes time to accept yourself. I spent 2 years in denial followed by several months trying to get my head round the fact that I like girls. I think, in your case, since you've been in a place with rather old-fashioned views on homosexuality, it might have left an imprint in your mind that tells you that it's not okay. So, you need to convince yourself that it IS. You gotta look into a mirror and ask yourself, 'Why should being with a girl be so much more of a big deal than being with a guy?' And answer: 'It isn't at all different. Love knows no gender.' As for bottling it up, well that can be very difficult because you don't want to come out to anyone, but yet you don't want to stay in the closet either. If there's even one person you think you can talk to, tell them that you're not sure, that you're confused about your orientation and need someone to talk to, and ask them not to tell anyone. The LGBT group sounds like a good idea. It's a big step, but taking it will be taking the next step towards self-acceptance. Of course, only do it if you feel comfortable doing it. But don't force yourself if you're not comfortable. If you want to rant, feel free to PM me.
I agree with Heatqueen, and also, welcome to EC! ^_^ There's no need to be scared to label yourself, because frankly, you don't need to label yourself at all. Personally, I found it very easy to admit it to myself, because I know that I still like guys as well, and I always knew I was different and never fit in with my school (that lot are nastily homophobic), so it was easy for me. My advice is to try and see what's on offer at your college, it doesn't matter if you're not sure. Joining an LGBT group should help you realise, if you haven't already by then. And like Heatqueen said, don't try and pressure yourself into joining it. Wait until you're settled into your college, and are used to the way life happens there; it can be very stressful, which, on top of your self-confusion, isn't going to help you. More importantly, the other people in the LGBT group will have gone through something similar to realise about themselves. You're not alone in this, and they, as well as EC, are here to help you ^_^ That's what the groups are for, primarily I hope everything turns out well for you. Welcome to EC, again!
thanks for the welcomes/advice. still trying to get my head around this, but I'm glad web communities like this exist.
Hey there.. and welcome to EC As soon as you come on these sites it is amazing how many people go through similar things and deffineatly helps the feeling a lonliness. Coping with it all however is far more difficult. While so many people's oppinions on homosexuality or "not straightness" are so negative it is always going to be hard. How we cope with this depends on the individual. There is no right or wrong thing to do and no one can tell you how to make things feel better. This is so annoying but unfortuneatly a fact. I am in quite a similar situation except for the fact I have labelled myself. I don't like having to do that, but for me it was the best way in trying to deal with all the emotions. Every so often I still worry that maybe I have given myself the wrong label or that someday I will wake up straight, although deep down I know this will never happen. For as long as I can remember I have felt this way. Giving myself the "gay" label was, for me anyway, a way of explaining the way I have felt/and continue to feel if that makes sense? "Coming to terms with yourself"... the most difficult and longest phase. The only way to really do this is to be honest with yourself. I am this way, I have to live with this. Listen to your feelings and never block them because you don't want them to be there. This just makes the whole situation more alien and scary. Joining a LGBT group is a good idea but in case it all seems a little too much then straight people can also be helpful!! So far for me the one person who has been of most help has been a straight teacher with no LGBT experience what so ever. She knows very few gay people well and has always been honest with the fact she can't really relate to the situation. All that aside, she has been so supportive and helpful. Just having someone to say that there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling and that its perfectly fine is so helpful and combats a few of the insecurities. I think maybe finding a supportive person gay/straight/whatever would be a really good idea. I found someone I trusted yet wasn't extremely close to helped. It can be difficult talking to people who you know well as they already have a view of you in their head. Finding someone you can be totally open with and who doesn't expect you to be a certain way is so helpful in sorting things out in your head. Whatever you decide to do make sure you do it because YOU think it's right and feel comfortable with it. Don't put yourself in a stressful or awkward situation because you feel it is the right thing for you to do. All I can advise is trying to keep yourself busy/occupied with things you enjoy doing. It won't last forever and won't make you always happy, but it helps being able to get away from thinking for sometime. That is another thing. Lots of LGBT people including myself who I have talked to overanalyse things and maybe you are doing the same?? Worrying or trying to deffinitively decide a sexuality is not helpful. Try to relax and just watch your feelings instead of ordering them. So main points - - be honest and let feelings come, don't try to force them - find someone you trust to talk to. The more you talk about all this the easier and clearer it will get. Don't be affraid to talk or ask for help - try to clear you head every so often by doing the things you enjoy and keeping busy so you don't dwell on the confusion. - time is the biggest factor. You will get more comfortable over time you just have to wait and go with the flow a little. - do what feels right for YOU. - don't rush into things and you don't have to label yourself.. "not straight" or "human" are both sufficient . - don't be affraid of being open or yourself!!! I hope some of this is helpful for you!! If it helps at all I can empathise, obviously I am not saying I know everything about you or what you are going through but I can imagine if it's anything like where I am at the moment - If you ever want to talk just give me a bell. Good luck with it all and I hope it gets easier soon!!! (*hug*)
Personally, I would say don't worry about labelling yourself and just do what you feel is right. Maybe, if it gives you any reassurance, try a few things with a few people and find out what you like best. Maybe you like boys, maybe you like girls, maybe you like both. Maybe you're attracted to someone for who they are regardless of his or her gender. That's how I am anyway.
Hi welcome to EC! First don't worry about trying to find a label for yourself. Trying to find out what to call your sexuality is confusing and takes some time (plus labels are stupid, I hate labels). Accepting yourself can also take a long time it took me many years of depression and a lot of other stuff to finally accept myself and be happy for who I was so don't feel like you have to rush just take some time to think. Do you have anybody you can trust who you can talk to? Maybe a friend, sibling? If so maybe you can talk about how confused you are and maybe since they know you they can offer advice. I think that it would be a very good idea for you to join a lgbt group when you go to school because it could help you to learn to accept yourself for who you are and you would also have the support you need too. Once you start feeling better about your sexuality (what ever you decide it is) you won't feel as depressed and you'll start feeling a lot better. When you don't feel the need to bottle all your feelings up and can start feeling like you can be happy for who you are then things will be a lot better. Don't worry you'll figure it out but it will take some time and you are utimately the only one who can figure out your sexuality. Don't feel like you need to rush it. Go to college and have some fun, join the group and see how you are feeling in a few months, and don't be afraid to open up to the people you trust, you would be surprised at how much they can help you. Good luck with everything Sam
Hi there and welcome to EC! I don't think you need to rush into anything. And don't worry that if you go to a GLBT meeting at college that they'll never let you be straight! :icon_wink
