I don't know what to do anymore. My dad refuses to believe that I'm gay or accept it. He keeps saying "There is no way you were born gay. It's against the bible." Typical religious crap. It has ruined our relationship, too. We used to be very close, but he has basically told me more than once that things will never be the same as long as I am gay. I have sent him links. He won't look at them. I've suggested counseling and inclusive churches. He refuses to go to any of them. He is currently at a baptist church, which in my opinion, is probably just making things worse. I am a Christian myself, and I am fine with my relationship with God and my sexuality. I have told him that unless he accepts me he will end up losing me. I never thought someone in my own family could be so close-minded. Then, a part of me thinks well maybe you could just tell him you aren't, but that goes against everything I have worked for for so long. Why should I have to go back into the closet because of him -- I definitely shouldn't. Not all of my extended family knows, but I did tell him that if he doesn't want to accept me, I will see how many of them do. Probably not the best thing to say, but I am at my wits end. He has known about this for years now and hasn't made any progress. I thought he was for a little while, but then he back peddled and now things are worse than ever.
what about ur mom? if he doesnt understand you give him time nd search for allies in a friendly lgbt church,go to pflag . everything will be okay
First I'm sorry you are going through this no I agree you should not go back in the closet just because of him if he can't accept you then that is his problem
I'm really sorry you have to go through this, but don't let him get you back into the closet. You need to continue on.
Hi, and a belated welcome to EC. First, I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. It really sucks when someone that's supposed to love you unconditionally imposes conditions, especially when they are conditions you have no control over. How long has he known/been saying this? There are stages everyone goes through in processing loss (in this case, loss of perception you're straight) which are denial-anger-bargainin-grief-acceptance. For people with strong religious background, it can take some time to get past the "denial" stage. It occasionally happens that some never get past it, but from what we've seen on EC, that's pretty rare. If it's been less than a year, I'd say that the only thing you can really do is be patient. When he eventually figures out that he can accept his gay daughter or have no daughter at all, it isn't much of a choice for most people. But it does require a major change in his schema of the world, so, particularly for men who have a hard time with feelings, it can take a while. Do you live with him, or on your own?
You definitely should NOT go back in. You may have thought of this already... But if (hypothetically) you went back into the closet, and suddenly the relationship improved, it would be improved because of a lie. It would be improved because he'd love an acted persona instead of who you really are. Furthermore, if you did go into the closet, there is no guarantee things will go back to where they once were. It's probable he'd never forget that you came out, and that could be an influence as long as he lives.
I'm just here to repeat what everyone said. Don't let him force you back into the closet, there's no point trying to build a relationship with someone who tries to enforce conditions on you, especially if it's soley for their benefit and at the expense of your happiness and well-being. Chip gave you wonderful advice.
First off, thank you all to everyone who posted and for your kind words. It means a lot! My mom passed away a few years ago, and I don't have any other close family. Most of them are estranged or spread around the country. The first time I came out was in 2009, but I never said it to his face until 2011. I had him watch the movie "The Truth About Jane" a year or so ago, and he seemed to be on the road to acceptance, but like I said, he has gotten worse lately. Unfortunately, I do live with him and don't have the option of moving at this time. It's a very difficult situation all the way around. I can only hope that one day he will find the stage of acceptance; it is nice to hear that most do. He does have a very difficult time with feelings and doesn't know how to process them at all. I actually hadn't thought of that, but it is an excellent point! I definitely don't want to go back in, but I did have that fleeting thought of maybe I will get peace if I just tell him what he wants to hear, but it's a lie to myself and him.
I'm so sorry about your relationship with your dad. You sound mature beyond your years. I am currently covering the topic of homosexuality and sin in my blog. I'm not sure if he would consider reading it? I'm not sure what the rules here are about posting it but if you or anyone else wants the link then feel free to shoot me a private message.
Thank you! I don't think we can private message unless we have a full membership. I would be interested in reading it if you think it will help him on his road to acceptance.
You can't change your dad's beliefs, you just can't. But the last thing you need to do is go back into the closet. My dad is the exact same way about homosexuality (and would react the same way if I had the balls to come out of the closet), but there are still people out there who are lovingly supporting me and I bet you have those people in your life as well. Try to show your father that a gay man can be just as loving, supporting, and good willed as any other man and maybe he will come around eventually. You could be the person in your father's life that helps open his mind and teaches him to be unbiased and accepting.
Thank you! Yeah, I don't really even date, and he is still having a fit just because I said the words. I have a few close friends who are very accepting, and I cherish them. I keep hoping and praying that once he sees me happy with someone, he will change his mind. He said "maybe" but that he hasn't seen me happy yet. He is kind of all over the map with his comments. He agreed to go to an inclusive church with me but then he said that I should go to his baptist church and hear what they have to say. No way. I already know what they have to say, and I am not interested. I told him "I don't believe in that" and he told me he doesn't believe in my type of church, so that leaves us at a crossroads again. And that conversation took place after I started this thread.
Hold fast to this. Losing him might hurt worse than anything, but it wouldn't be as bad as the feeling of losing yourself. You have unimaginable strength for trying though.
I've highlighted the last part, because that may indicate he's moving into the "anger" stage... which, if it's the case, is actually a positive, because he's (albeit very slowly) moving through the stages of loss. The best you can do for the moment is to bear with it as best you can, remind yourself that his attitude is likely to change over time, and do your best to have compassion for him, because for whatever reason, he's just too angry/stuck to be able to find compassion within himself at the moment.
