Okay, this is going to be really long. and I apologize. It explains How I got to where I am at in life now..... and I just want to know- will it get better? Does coming out get better? Or am I completely lost and stuck with where I am at? I guess I should have always known that I liked girls. Looking back when I was younger, I screamed future lesbian....haha....but really. I wore all boy clothes when I was younger and didn't really change that until I was in middle/highschool only because of the friends I hungout with. I was never really interested in boys as a boyfriend. When I was really young, I would always think WOW that guy is really cool, I like his comics, videogames, etc. and then I would think to myself I guess that is the kind of guy I should want to marry. Mind you, talking about LGBT anything never happened within my household. My mom was actually never really around. She was also very double standard. She praised, gave special treatment and all of that jazz to my brothers. ( I am the oldest of 6 kids- 4 of the 5 younger than me are brothers). I liked barbies and girly things growing up, I didn't care for sports so I isn't like I am looking back thinking that is how I should know. I just.... I never really had any sexual interest in having a boyfriend. I middle school I mostly kept to the friends I had. I "dated" boys I knew, but honestly it was nothing to talk about. we never hung out, only talked on the phone, and when they would express feelings or talk about getting any type of physical I would be done. BYEEEE! It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school that I had a real boyfriend. It wasn't because I wanted one, but my brother who is 15 months younger than me had a friend who thought I was cute and wanted to hangout. I didn't really know him that well, but was convinced by my brother and a close friend that getting a boyfriend was just the thing to do. We dated for 5 months. Looking back I didn't love him, I was young and doing what everyone else was doing. I lost my virginity the same way. Because I was told that is what everyone should be doing. I was young and naïve. At the same time, I had just changed high schools and realized a few things about myself. first of all, I couldn't make friends with girls, I couldn't even make eye contact with them (well that had been going on for a while, I just thought I was shy). I was too nervous to talk to them, even if they were nice. After that boyfriend, I didn't have another one for 2 years and didn't think about it, I had made friends with some kids in the area and just lost any interest I might have had about finding someone. I was always the friend who hungout as the third wheel. I didn't care. When I was 17, I had a lot of things going on in my life. My mom had just left her abusive and alcoholic boyfriend, she had a problem with prescription drugs and I was left taking care of my infant sister. When we moved, I was still at the same school, but no longer lived near any of my friends, I didn't have a car, bills didn't get paid for basic utilities- just things like that. I was extremely lonely. I had a smaller group of friends than I normally did. One of the guys expressed interest, so I took the attention. It really could have been anyone. We were together for 2 years. I was never happy, we eventually always fought. There was absolutely no connection. I stayed with him because my mom told me that is all I would probably get. In the end, he left me thinking he could get better. I was lonely, but losing the relationship meant nothing to me. It is not like at this point in my life I didn't know what LGBT was or people who were. I did. I just never thought it was me. One of my pretty good friends in high school was gay and that was fine. Whenever we would hangout though, I would get really weird when her and her girlfriends (over the years) would be together. When they would kiss I would just want to look away- because I was so intrigued that I didn't want to stare, come off like I was grossed out. It was actually the opposite. Shortly after that breakup, I was just doing things I didn't usually do. I was drinking a lot and hanging out with people I knew but didn't normally hangout with. I reconnected with some friends from the past. One guy in particular. (for clarification, I had very few friends growing up who were girls. I didn't like hanging out with them, and the groups of friends I had, I was usually one of four or so girls there) We began hanging out and when he asked me to be his girlfriend I said alright. I thought to myself that maybe I was just hanging out with the wrong kind of guys, that he was nicer, seemed different. After a summer of parties and going to hangout with him after- since he didn't do any of that- I ended up pregnant. I told him when I found out, giving him the option to leave. He wanted me to have an abortion, but I personally could not make that choice. He stayed with me, but I was just really unhappy. My mom lost her house and I was living with an extremely religious relative. I had lost my pets. My boyfriend stopped taking me in public, and come to find out towards the end of me being pregnant, that he didn't tell anyone. His parents did not even know until he had to tell them- because baby shower invites were sent out. I tried to leave a few times. it never really happened. He was helping me out with my daughter when my family kicked me out saying that he and I needed to being our own lives. So we got an apartment. It's been terrible. It's now three years later and I have never been more unhappy. At first I thought that it was because I was maybe missing out on something, hanging out I don't know. I thought that maybe this is just how it is. HE seems to be perfectly content. His family is pretty stable and his parents have been together forever. To him, this is how it should be. To me, something has always been missing. In the last 2 years, he has begun to get angry and to take it out, he throws things. We decided to try and work on things, for my daughter. We became engaged over the summer, but it was more because there was nothing else to do and we were being pressured to by family. SOOOO anyways I still talk to most of the friends I had in high school thanks to social networking. I went out with one back in September. It was always ALWAYS platonic with her. She's been out for a long time (same girl from earlier with the girlfriends) and I have known her for a long time. When we were out with a bunch of people I was just talking to her and a group of guys. She got up to get a drink and I put my feet on her empty chair. The guy I had been talking to was trying to hit on me. He kind of stopped talking at that point and asked me if we were together. I laughed and told him no we were just friends. He didn't really believe me. I then told him that if I were interested in her or wanted her I would have let her know. At this point she had come back and caught the tail end of the conversation. She obviously asked me to repeat myself. Then she asked me that if she were to ask me out on a date, JUST a date, if I would go. I told her yeah I would go on a date and mentioned that I haven't been taken out on one in forever. She was really drunk and I thought that nothing would ever come from this. After that it was kinf of dropped. A while later another group of her friends showed up where we all were at. She told her friend about it and her friend who was also drunk said she should kiss me. I laughed (it wouldn't have been the first girl ive ever kissed), she was like yeahhhhH! haha... well, her friend whipped out her phone and I immediately was like no. no videos going up on facebook or anything like that. I didn't want to be another stupid drunk video. So we dropped the whole thing and finished up our night. about a half hour before the bar closed, my friend asked me to go outside with her for a second. I thought she wanted to smoke (can't smoke inside there) so I did. instead, she took me out into the parking lot where nobody was and she kissed me. The feeling was not like anything that I have ever felt before. Not with any of my boyfriends (all 3 of them, lol) She said that she wanted to and she wasn't going to let some a-holes who wanted to try and dramatize it ruin it for her. I ended up separating with her when the bar closed. She was reallllly drunk so when she told me that she would get back to me about our date, I laughed it off. When I got home I told my boyfriend what happened and he thought it was funny, but didn't really care. the next day she contacted me on facebook since I did not have a phone at the time and asked me if I remembered the night before. I told her yes and asked her If she did since she had drank a lot. She told me that she did remember and was only asking me because she expected me to tell her I didn't remember and then she would have dropped the whole conversation about the previous night. I ended up going to a concert with her and another mutual friend a few weeks later. My boyfriend knew the whole time. After the concert I stayed at her house. At this point, I kind of felt like maybe I was just questioning it. That night was like nothing I have ever experienced before. We continued to hangout and just kind of mess around. One night I was over there and we were just kissing when suddenly it hit me. I remember thinking to myself as clear as day- This is what I want. This is what I was missing. I can't imagine it not being like this. I went home and talked to my boyfriend, told him how I was feeling and that I needed to try this. He agreed. She was fully aware of my situation, that I was still living with him. We have a lease, so until that is up this is where I am at. That I can't just up and leave. We have been together since October. She makes me extremely happy, in a way that I have never felt before. In the last 5 months, I have lost all romantic/sexual interest in men. She tells me that she has never felt like she does with me. That most of her exes and her would be constantly fighting by now. and that if we are getting through what we are dealing with with my daughters dad- she is super serious about us. My ex who I live with is not taking this well now at all, which is where the sunshine and rainbows end. He has gotten super hostile and after the first 2 months or so, pretty violent. He hit me- only briefly. I recognize that it is not okay. and made it known. I have no support from my family though. When I came out finally to my mom (who had the gay talk with me when I was younger) she asked me why I couldn't just stay and work it out with my daughters father and then stressed that marriage and relationships is only for a man and a woman. My dad accused me of being a loser and POS like my mom, with her drug addictions. I am in school, I have a job and I take great care of my daughter, She comes first. Neither of them will let me stay with them until I am finished with school and can afford my own place. According to them, by not staying with my ex, I am completely ruining my life. I don't agree. They just can't see the good in my girlfriend. They judged her life saying she is not good enough because of her job (she is a dog groomer. I LOVE animals.) and that by making this decision, I am going to ruin my daughters life and live a life of poverty. My girlfriend is afraid for me to be living where I am at, and right now we are talking about saving up and getting a place with a mutual friend since she is currently living at her mothers. They are both saving up money and want to do this soon, but I can not. Meaning I will not be able to leave and sign a lease, or anything involving money. I am more certain that I am gay than I am about anything else. My problem is that I can not be happy. I have no support, and only drama. My ex is close to my family which is making me not have any support. The only person who is supportive is my brother who is in prison for the next 10 years. I just want to know, does it really get better?
